dreams of late have been beyond vivid in their appearances. i do enjoy this. and hope that it continues.

i cannot remember the details of last nights, but i had one, and it had to do with time.

wow.

i love and hate computers at the same time.

i just lost a rather large entry that contained some significant mental drivel which i wanted out.

to sum it up.

fuck claire.
fuck work.

ive got a kick ass summer in front of me and i intend to have some serious bouts of unrestricted life in there. anyone who wants to help me, feel free.

the new marilyn manson album, the golden age of grotesque, kicks ass. go buy it from a local non-chain record store, or just dont buy it from tower. please.

it kicks ass i promise and is worth every penny.

ai

dream

i had a dream last night.

it was odd.

first i was in nyc with my dad and brother. i saw some girl named courtney who i know, it was fall or spring and outside was very colorful, i walked through the middle of the street to a starbucks/mcdonalds combo. the manager of this store was mopping and talking with someone of equal or greater importance than himself. the manager got really angry at a brown haired girl who i know but whose name i could not remember. she worked for starbucks and so did a girl standing behind her, the first girl was wearing black and the second girl was wearing white or beige. the first girl was arguing with the manager because he was angry that she was walking on the recently mopped floor, but everyone else was doing it and she worked for starbucks and these reasons made it ok for her to walk on the mopped area.

i walked to my father and brother who were eating breakfast, they were eating some nasty meaty thing. i got the keys to the car and said i would go find my own food. i thought i was going to nyack newyork. i was looking for this pizzaria/deli/food place, but the second i got to where i was going i knew it was friday harbor, but it was not the place i remember. i was up on a hill area, lots of light trees, seasonal forest, not the year round pines you have. lots of light coming through. the place i thought was a food place was this wierd office store with no food. i asked about the pizza place and aparently its only seasonal, then i asked about you and one of the girls knew. and suggested i go alway up the hill to these rocks and you would be there. she directed me to a very steep incline at the side of the building and walked that way and the incline turned into a ladder, i tried to climb it but i gave up and got/fell down. i told them i couldnt do it and walked away. i had accepted the fact that i would not be seeing you. mind you, during this whole thing, i was under impression that i could make back to nyc where my dad was eating in like 5 minutes and he would only think i was gone like 15 minutes.

all of the sudden i was with someone on this field. still friday harbor, still lots of light, and lots of seasonal trees. all these kids in cars showed up, like they were just getting out of school.

then you show up in a blue dodge caravan, the real boxy one. you were wearing makeup - a lot - but not a bad amount. we were about to get intimate in the van and then i woke up.

it was a bizzare dream, but i figured id let you know.

:P

done done done


finals are done done done

so, in true celebratory fashion i am hosting a get together.

VEGAN BAKING EXTRAVAGANZA

6pm until the stars fall from the sky

At my house.

on the menu:

chocolate chip cookies

chocolate covered strawberries

cupcakes

and whatever other culinary delights you desire.

After we bake, there is some talk of going to see the matrix reloaded and handing out baked goods to strangers.

Bring yourself, anything needed to make your creation, smiles, good humor and a willingness to have fun and celebrate the begining of summer.

call me immediately to reserve your spot.

ai

fuck political theory.

when this week is over, or better yet, tuesday around 1pm after the mandarin final i will be in serious desire of some physical throwdown, some slap and tickle, some hide the sausage some ass kickin pinchin scratchin kissin punching screaming pulling grabbing thrusting cumming humpin burning ooohing aaahinng smiling wicked grinning and fucking that anyone who wants to take me up on that will just need to ask. and anyone who i might to take that up should be on guard.

i would not like to leave this week's excess sexual energy up to masturbation.

applicants need apply in person. resume and references are not needed.

but seriously folks, who knows?

oh man

its been about 24 hours or will have been by the time y'all read this, since my eyes were last closed in revolutions of the rem cycle.

ive got two horrid finals today

not as horrid as tomorrow's mandarin is gonna whoop me a whole new set of scars on my soft white ass. but hey, builds character right? right, and it will be good to have something to work on for the rest of my life. ha it will be better to be able to communicate to 1.4 billion amazing people with a culture richer that you or i will ever know.

spanish, hebrew, arabic, and mandarin.

before i die.

man! woman! human!

all these new places.

hawaii, south africa! ha holy shit! south africa. hm, kentucky! new hampshire!

i smell wild freedom on the wind. im blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back and im letting my nose lead the way today. its lovely.

FUCK FINALS. I AM ALMOST FREE FOR AT LEAST A WEEK!

hahahahahahahaha

i exist hypocritically for not only my enjoyment but yours as well.

pictures. malaria shots. two finals. lunch. study.

find me time for life in there and i will love you more than usual today.

wo ai dou ren

wo ai wo

wo hen lei

ai

i think.

something big is on the horizion.

and i feel excited.

there is this whole new world out there.

and we all can use and share it and love it and

oh man oh man oh man oh man

it has been what it has been and i write in really vague terms sometimes.

i love me

i love you

and i love everyone who reads and/or knows about this but does not read actively.

each one of you is a beautiful person with their own unique talents, dreams, ideas, and drive. it amazes me that i am lucky enough to interact with such amazing people.

this has been a most excellent weekend, and there still is time for it to reach even higher levels of stimuli.

the show on friday was good. we raised a large chunk of money for the fines, but are still looking for donations, anyone who would like to help with costs please contact me. there was some static at the show, a line across, one of the bands who played were fucking assholes, saying things like "my random relative is in bahrain fighting for your freedom" or "i support the war in my own way" and im like what the fuck are you doing at a benefit show for an 5 anti war activists? what they were doing at the show was supplying the PA and playing for free, im not sure how that worked out but what ever, if anything it was them breaking any ideals they might of had to support people who are actively working to undermine their way of life. hey, fuck em for being ignorant stupid arrogant violent assholes. they helped us meet our costs. whatever. its over.

so then! the fucking crew - lauren maggie olivia mike chris kaori zack arjun amanda dave james and me! did the gaung yang thing, it was my first time at guang yang and it is rather standard chinese fare. but delicious none the less. we had fun, shared iced tea, laughs, smiles, tofu, rice, and kisses. it was inagural for the collective and excellent for people in general and i made it known to the collective that i was interested in becoming more involved while i was in jersey. so i am excited for that.

kaori writes some excellent zines and draws some excellent pictures.

oh oh oh oh

van and i are begining to put together our zine, sorting through work and throwing ideas at each other, and discussing, its great, a combined act of creation in such a time of destruction brings me hope smiles and a taste of freedom.

man. i look a the fucking box for my summer class on the web and i see nothing but a pretty fucking prison. ive got so much i want to do this summer. i dont know if i can take a fucking class. man man man man. fuck. argh. in addition to classing, i am working at least three days a week. argh.

FUCK.

i want freedom. i dont want to do this. i dont need to do this i dont need no fucking general boring class that will do nothing but drive me more angry and incense my soul to break shit. i am unhappy. rar. ok, but. and yeah the almighty but, not my butt personally, which many of you have seen, but few of you have experienced. the but that if i take this class and if i get my degree in what ever, then i have at least a piece of paper which people will be able to judge me on and want to hire me for whatever reasons people hire people.

there is no way any pitful construct of language could hold my feelings right now.

who the fuck gave anyone the right to do this ?

to create this fucking hell where we work till we die in pursuit of some fantasy reality i was talking to a fellow student of ramapo and he was like gotta get a new job gotta get the money the money the money and im like, damn. that sucks. i just dont use it. and imagine if he is just a junior in college it aint getting better its only getting worse. its only getting harder and harder to get a job and get the one you need and these people dont see that they are nothing but the hampster on the wheel, we are all nothing but the hampster on the wheel, the harder we run the less distance we cover and eventually we will die. its fucking sad. and im having none of it.

so this is a call for anyone and everyone to join me, join us. let go of your chains of monetary and social oppression. and free yourself to experience life. now is the time, things are moveing ever faster and there is no way to slow any of it, so the only thing we can do is to take it into our own hands and reclaim not only our space, but our lives and our time as well. if we dont do it now, when will we do it? later? tomorrow? next week? next year? next lifetime? now is the time. so free yer self. cause no one else is gonna do it for ya.

and on that note i am going to study for three exams.

it's all about hypocrisy and good food.

ai

hm

there is alot here. and here and here and here as well.

oh the cold fear in my fingers and stomach.

van and i talked for a long long long long time today and it was an excellent talk which i feel really went into depth. covered alot of the issues we were having and addressed things and made some fundamental changes to make everything easier for us as we exist.

i look at that and it is a really short summary of what happened between us today and its not wholly accurate but it does a semblance of justice to what happened while protecting a level of privacy that i desire right now and i think she desires right now

tomorrow is the show.

like whoa.

the show.

the show where the majority of our money will be coming from for the legal fines. like whoa. i hope it fuckin rocks the wooden boat.

i am dropping the words

and i am nervous

i feel the need to rock the caffeine and i will try vehemently to resist.

FUCK THIS ADDICTION

ive fucking got it beat. why am i so susceptible to physical addictions? its fucking pathetic. argh. argh. argh.

.
.
.

there is more.

we moved from her and i for her and i to her and i as friends submitting to passions when they arise. we are best friends and she knows me better than anyone else that i know and i feel that i know her rather well as well. after discussing what we are and have been and being physical and our differences in that area ~ i am hyper active in that area and she is reticent to become intimate for valuable reasons ~ the unstated conclusion was come to that we are we. and we are friends who hold each very dearly and are still going to hawaii next fall together but we are not a relationship, we do not need to rely upon each other for comfort, we are friends, a team of destructive creative which could easily handle anything you throw at us. so bring yer shit and ill make sure you leave with my words ringing in your ears and her boot print on your ass.

aye we are and im madly in love with it.

so in all, things...

are good.

are they?

we will see.

but if you ask me, i'lll probably change the topic or come up with some other witty comment.

wo hen lei.

ai

classes are done.

and i am elated.

well not elated, per say, but happy. so thats better than nothing right?

had a lovely conversation with katherine last night - have not spoken to her in awhile and it was nice to catch - made plans to rule the world this summer.

ive got about 13 prepared pieces of noise for friday night. oh man. i am beyond nervous. and see i bet there is a word for that, that i just dont know. man, i feel stupid sometimes.

my vocabularly is inadequate. my vernacular is rusty. my theasuarus is dusty. and my tongue needs a good oiling so i can work the linguistic magic avaible to me through the english langauge with some incorporation of mandarin cause i can not because it makes any sense. but what does make sense that is enjoyed by people. not much if you ask me.

yay for:

krazyfest
internet friends from kentucky
south africa
green anarchist gathering

good stuff, no?

no, good stuff.

xingqi san wo he chris xueshe yiqi supreme court and human freedoms zai kafeidian

jintian wo qu gongzou

wo hen hao

ai

what day is it?

tuesday?

fuck.

another full week of anticipation till school ends. man, i am just desirous of this madly.

such a crush.

~ hush hush keep it down now voices carry ~

friday i do the loud thing in front of people and i am nervous as usual. ive got to perform about 4 times, 7 minutes each, 28 minutes total roughly, i will no doubt come up short like a dwarf. but i'll hold tight, i hope.

4 in mind right now, no wait 5. 6 is tentative, and hey, there is 7. kick ass.

~ who ever you are, what ever you do, where ever you are, you dont deserve abuse ~

hm. water. bottles and bottles of it. got 45 beans in donations last night, serious fucking wieght, old liberals are good for at least one thing. i think we are around 400 or just cresting it. the show will hopefully bring in about 500, putting us at 900, and then we have to beg for another 100 from somewhere. ah the buttons. kick ass so we should come even at some point. i hope so at least. i would love to not owe the whol 205 to people who suck - those blessed gods of dna my parents.

socks are much better than shoes, i propose we wear only socks from now on.

today is fine but cold, good things ahead, i just want it to be over so bad, i pine for this shit to fucking finished and to not have to embark upon the fucking insanity that it is next fall. such bloody elation rushes through me when i think of that im bowled over by the wave of freedom which is coming. is here. almost. i see the cracks and im pulling, when i can, when its feasible, i am still afraid. i am still tied down by fiscal constraints, but soon enough, i shall be free, and joyous and overflowing with love for everyone.

i have such a crush.

jintian mike he ma de gao qu yiqi mai dongxi

wo qu ramapo daxue.

wo xueshe hanyu.

wo ai wo

wo ai dou ren

ai

and the all-mighty gods of mood swings have once again struck demetrius and passed leaving nothing but destruction in their wake.

no, really kids, its a wild ride up in this skull of mine, a tumultous roller coaster of veggie oil greased pre-cut and packaged for freshness emotional waves which i like to ride buck nekkid on a peice of petrified drift wood during those early morning throws of yes and no.

today was better.

seperation is key.

along with good tofu. hm. i indulged in premade food. i think it helped me to break down what zoe refers to as 'insanity barriers' right now im not feeling super confident about it. but, that is disucussion to be had with myself at a later date - while i lie in bed tonight trying to sleep - and will probably result in more barriers.

im learning how to drive stick

and holy shit - welcome to quite the challenge.

but yay! challenges are always enjoyed

i figured out how to upload pics off the video camera to the computer. i feel all special. yay for myself.

totally going to bed.

smiling

ai

sad.

fifteen and propghandi are bringing about the smiles.

school is almost done.

im not sure what it is. it may be the lack of attention. or the attention i do get but that is unhealthy. like the people who have these wierd worship like relationships with me. i forward them though. i am at fault as well.

cracks are appearing everywhere and im running real low on plaster.

i really want to let it all fall. let it all fall down and crush me underneath so i cant fucking think for five fucking minutes of my lfie and my brain will be more filled with death and the struggle for air than the struggle for sanity. there is not a moment inside in which i have peace. nonstop barrage of violent images, collages of chaos and bright colors and jarring chords and hooks from old songs flashes of marches and love scenes blood stains from emotional fight scenes. something is lost somewhere. and im not editing this so fcuk you.

ai

wo bu ai wo.

wo hen lei.

last night was life like.


the lady - V - did not make an appearance until late thus making me sad, but i baked cookies and made my way to ridgewood, bringing drums n buckets as well for some fun fun times.

got arjun, zack, atta, and lucy at first we all made noise in the park and were fun about it.

then peg and L showed up. and they were naughty and young and all sorts of bad - cross stealers - flag defilers!!!!

there was a group of us being all us-like, then atta and lucy left but in exchange V showed up! oh my. i was elated at this fact because i had resigned to not seeing her this evening, but we saw and laughed and hugged and the evening was increasing in potential by each second.

then, we decided that the whole foods dumpster was way to full, the group of us went on a little journey, but peg and L had to depart at this point because of old people trying to exert power over others lives while having absolutely no power over their own lives - i was sad and hugs were had and promises to clean uteruses were made for later days.

arjun and zack and demetrius and vanessa walked and walked and talked and talked and decided that it was too early to go through the whole foods dumpster, we made our way back to v's car and were all confused as into which direction to lead the evening - the idea of fighting, breaking shit, and being rude was had but they were all shot down by the group - along with a volleyball in v's care there was an automotive repair book which will come in handy later.

thanks to the ball a rousing game of soccer was had by all, up and down the streets of ridgewood we played in and out of the streets we played between and infront of cars on sidewalks and glass windows we played. we played alot it was superb.

we retired for a brief period at v's car and then i liberated some water for the team. we dranked and decided to go get krista - we did and played more soccer although this time, zack, arjun, and krista were playing less and talking more so me and v played alot and then sunny showed up and played a little but talked more and in my opinion the 4 of them sucked.

van and i went on our way to bake cookies and my house and lay around naked and enjoy each other which was lovely. we slept till at least 9am. and then she went home and i was admittedly being non-responsive but i was tired and was being dumb and not saying how i felt and i should call and tell her. ill do it.

anyway - i met a doctor from doctors with out borders today, he was a huge capitalist but still ok. we talked about the things guys talk about 'beer, sex, sports, work' it was disgusting but whatever, im not blind, so yay, got the the keys to the red truck today - im happy.

and now im off to do more work for school

ai

ah.

tonight

car keys cant take me far enough.

ai.

the word is trying times

the word is crying my eyes out

the word is fear

the word is what to do next

the word is i dont know

the word is...

all the inspiration in the world cant save us now. i dont know what to do.

im just not here.

i want to fight this.

i wANT TO FIGHT THIS.

i want to make love to everyone who wants to fight this

i love everyone who is fighting this.

we are the front line

not no fucking cops, national guard members, army, navy, airforce, marines

they are the invaders

we are the defenders

oh fuck yeah - it works.

i love me somedays.

wo ai wo


ai

i think i found a way to put pictures of my beautiful self up here.

be patient this is a trial and error process.






hm lovely...

let us hope this works eh?


ai

i guess im pretty happy when it all boils down.

im alive.

and im real simple - alive is good.

but i lie - cause it can be better than that and we all know it.

i guess. hm. i guess.

i saw lauren today - huge smile - made me real happy - i really miss hanging out with her.

the rain - the heat - the drive home with no pants on.

somethings make life worth living.

i do not want to swallow my pride - although i may do just that.

i love how the first words out of my brother's mouth when he comes home is about how much i smell or look hes reading some crazy shit again or this or that or how much he needs to be more like me and listen to us, and wash, and wear cologne and whatever.

hold on

and my mother and father too and lets not forget alex as well.

this is vile and obscene - everything i hold dear and hold myself too - things i deem important are under fire from my entire family, constantly.

i try to explain that constant showering wastes water, the use of soaps(most of which are tested on animals) destroys natural bacteria, natural odors which are here for a reason. our bodies are amazingly complex machines. we have those natural odors to attract mates and mark our territory. those natural oils which are on our body are there to protect us from outside bacteria and keep our skin healthy. soap, anti-bacterial lotion, and what ever fuck you use is not natural nor is it healthy.

veganism - health, environment, animal rights, cheap, anti-globalization. if you need explanation on any of those ask and i'll give it to you.

aversion to money - i have yet to see money bring happiness to anyone, ever. it only supports the horror that is white rascist capitalism. it is not needed to live, food is everywhere, you just need to know how to acquire it with out being persecuted for liberating yourself. shelter - there is plenty of land in whcih we should be allowed to live on, there anarchist communities all over the world which would welcome almost anyone in a second. there are farms that you can go live and work on. i'll tell you about them just ask.

money does not make people happy. moneys makes people greedy and angry and desirous of nothing except more money.

money brings no love, money brings no freedom.

having money is like having a cage and being locked into that cage.

I LOVE BEING BROKE - I LOVE HATING MONEY - I LOVE MY LACK OF DESIRE WHEN IT COMES TO POSSESSIONS AND CAPITAL.

ah.

smiles.

love.

im going to work now.

shoot me.

please.

Война в Ираке затягивается. Рутиной теленовостей становятся не только репортажи с фронтов, но также и сообщения о непрекращающихся протестах против агрессии США и их союзников. Эта рутинность протестов тем более заметна в России, где они никогда не были массовыми, а проводились более для галочки теми или иными политическими организациями, зачастую карликовыми или шутовскими, преследующими свои цели, часто далёкие от антивоенных.




now, while i love a challenge, my russian is very, very, very poor - and whilst i desire greatly to read this in all its beautiful details - i cannot.

so, for the perpetrator of this horrid offense, beware, for i shall extract the vilest of revenges upon you!

ok im pretty sure the comments feature works - free and all so that kicks ass - more craziness at the dmv and in my intestines - i have such a crazed mix of gas its lovely - vitasoy, couscous, kidney beans, tofu scramble - its a jungle in stomch right now.


yum.

oh man

4.5 pages left in the last big paper - ive got work tonight - and i so dont feel like going - but i am going to go, because i live in a capitalist society and if i dont have a job, i end up without a home, without food, without neccessary means of survival. its really sad.

that is exactly why i want to begin medic training - the more i know about taking care of myself, and taking care of others, the less i am reliant upon this society which makes a profit on pain, a profit on suffering, charges people for basic care, the less i need of that the better off me, my friends, my lovers, and my loved ones will be. im looking into emt courses, getting my cpr cert back up to scale, my lifeguard cert as well, and then moving onto to activist training, and the emt, and ideally some real hard core stuff, like mobile intensive care, wilderness emt, and so on. ok kick ass, ive just got to fit it into my insanity, theres little chance of doing it this summer. and thats fine, i can look into options on island in hawaii, and also when i come home next spring. or round those parts.

wow next spring

im going to be gone for, wow, a long time.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

EXCELLENT.

i smile.

fucking excellent.

jintian wo bu qu gongzou.

wo lei.

wo mang.

ai.

and i am madly in love.

;)

testing out this new fangled comments feature.

leave lots of love

ai

fuck the DMV

it is the perfect example of a man or a woman having power over another persons life but none over their own.

and the details dont matter - except for the fact that i went to three dmv's within the course of 4 hours and had the shitty luck of getting the same woman twice at oakland - argh - i would just like to be done with this. argh. argh. argh.

im not actually here - im lost inside the writing of shitty ten page papers analyzing different sources of media - it is not at all a fun experience. especially because i am stuck at page 5 and having toruble forging ahead. and i believe it is due tonight, at 830pm. i have this odd feeling it wont be done by then. but that is fine - i have made solid headway into it for now and feel comfortable stopping today - oh that is a novel idea - stop doing the paper and do something useful or fun or creative or something that willl further my life. taking a shit would further my life more than this paper has. the paper is marginally interesting too, its not real bad, but im sure there is at least one thing i could be doing that would be more educational than this.

and ive got cookie dough at my house that needs some love - hm - i am slowly convincing myself to stop doing work on the paper and do something else instead. hm. damn. this could be bad.

ive got send out emails to the fun committee - the BAN working group whose goal it is to run summer programs, shows, educational forums, and dance parties. oh yeah the good stuff. see, as far as activist shit goes - i can do the dirty work, the door to door, the phone calls, the money collectiong the outreach and the large mobilizations. but none of that is fun - that is all fucking hell - id rather do the organizing for parties, shows, educational book readings, cooking classes, and art projects. its more fun and enjoyable work and its just fucking not as dull as campaign work - is that selfish? yes and no. i think it depends more on my intentions. i am doing the "fun" organizing because i am too lazy to do the other work or because i am good at organizing parties and fun events? hm. i think it is a little bit of both - also - a fun committee would do alot to keep spirits high within BAN, build relationships, make our work less work, and generally make people happy.

im going to send out the emails for that - ive got some ideas for it as well. shows mostly, and the first party - my house late june - oh yeah. and im sure the rest of the committee has a bagillion better ideas than i have. great! i am overly excited about all this. rar! dance parties! kick ass.

people are beautiful

people are animals

i love beautiful animals

all of them.

its just more fun that way.

ai

aye so its a new day

a beautiful new day

except for my mother and her new favorite thing to do.

wake the entire house up at 7am by screaming at the top of her lungs, for over an hour, totally out of her mind, i dunno, maybe not, but just so violent to the rest of us, and its not like she hits us, but she is verbally abusive and controlling, im over it, i believe, but alex and malcolm might not be so i worry about them sometimes, and now i have to shower twice a week or they kick me out, what the fuck is that shit? argh.

giving things out for free is great.

people are so confused when you walk around with a plate of delicious freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and hand them out.

they actually dont believe it is happening, i laugh and smile at them, and be like, no its ok, they are not poisionous, i promise. ;) hehehe

but they are vegan and people are astonished at that fact, one person, gabrielle, could not believe there was no milk in them. yay for my baking skills.

i think i am feeling sexy today - no i feel sexy everyday - i am feeling smiley today - happy - and pleasantly conifdent in my abilities to fuck up shit.

political theory was me yelling at people who believe in god - and them yelling at me - and then more of me defending anarchy and swearing alot - today was a 'FUCK' day, used it 2 or three times in class, for effect, for fun, and because people become confused when you use such vulgar langauge while taking about political theory or other lofty bullshit - i try to use profanity as often as possible to make it less profane and to break down this 'im too good to hear or use that langauge, its below me' fucking morons, fucking god loving non swearing ignorant morons.

the sun is shining and i am happy

xintian liu yue wo yao wen shang

wo hen hao

ai

Benefit show for the Teaneck 5 - anti-war activists who participated in emergency civil disobedience action immediately after the Bush Administration's invasion of Iraq.

Benefit Show
Friday May 16th 2003
@ the Paddington Square Lodge in
Mahwah, NJ
6pm to 10pm

Flowers and Cops

Grand Ol' Party
(x members of Give us Barabbas)

Stillhaven

A Line Across
(x members of Rest Assured and Elias)

Charlie Chan
(x members of Deviate)

Only $5

ABSOLUTELY NO DRUGS OR BOOZE.

All proceeds will help pay legal fees for the Teaneck 5 - anti-war activists who participated in emergency civil disobedience action immediately after the Bush Administration's invasion of Iraq. for more information see http://bergenaction.net/teaneck_five.html

Directions: Route 17 north to the franklin tpk/suffern exit. bear right at the ramp, take the first right onto hilltop rd. take a left at the stop sign onto airmont. turn left at the first light onto Masonicus road. go all the way down, lodge is on left.



Everyone who reads this should get their lazy bottoms to the show - if y'all dont im going to go to each of your houses and demand a rather large donation to our legal defense fund. and im pretty sure i know the 5 or 6 people who read this, so expect a visit on may 17th if i dont see each of you.

it is also going to be a kick ass show, so i mean, you have to be there. duh.

;)

jintain shi hao.

wo hen lei.

jintian wo xueshe he che fan he qu gongzou.

wo hen lei he mang.

ai//love

ok - so i am testing out the new blogger format - as of right now - its dandy.

yeah - i dunno - no, i do know.

tomorrow night i intend to preform again, this time at cool beans in oradell after the bergen action network meeting. both of those things fucking kick ass.

again i had an excellent time with everyone last night - and lauren needs to learn the difference between baking SODA and baking POWDER. for real girl, you totally ruined the cookies, BUT its all good, my first vegan cookies fucking sucked like nobody's business. ha, they were not even vegan. but, shhhhhhhhh. no one needs to know. except me. ;)

DORK DORK DORK DORK

ok, so yeah, its lovely out and i feel lovely inside - something good is going on and aside from all the negative outside influence i dont really mind - i will survive - so the truck i used, have been using, died a few days ago, the trans went, and while it was sad, i sang to her while we drove to the garage together, made the most of our last few moments, i thought of all the good times, and all passionate times, the uninhibited times, the intoxicated times, the sad times, the scary, the TIMES. THE TIMES. oh man that truck has been through so much, just so much, it felt like a good part of me was actually moving on. and interestingly enough, Nocturna died recently as well, we had spent alot of time together and i was torn up over that too. and so why did two parts of me die so close together? i mean its just interesting, two things, so close together, interesting, im not sure if there is much there, but i mean, it helps to force me to let go of what was and hold onto or teach me to not become reliant upon what is. confusion my friends, confusion.

its wierd, sad wierd, interesting wierd, hope filled wierd, good.

im in love.

i love being in love with the person im in love with and the way we love each other and the we can revert to high school actions without concern for others ourselves and not thinking twice and just having a good time, enjoying each other - ands it wierd the rest of the world rails against us, violently, VIOLENTLY, fucking violently, and sharp and diggin right through me and cutting us off at certain parts, so when we see each other for the small amount of time we do see each other there is such negative outside pressure we get funky with each other and have trouble just existing, but when we exist, WE EXIST, we are the beauty of springtime and winter and summer and nothing and all the things you wished you had but could never reach out of fear for losing everything you had but that one second of total petrification can be the most exhilariting second of your life and lead you the best longest most out of controlled but controlled ride you will ever take. its not about being you or being labeled or being an exisiting member of anything its about being free and not concerning yourself over machinations of insanity that the activists seem to get caught in if we all just lived then there would be no fucking war, no poverty, no horror, if we all look at the system and look at the horror that the system is and realize its futility then its easy. look back the the thousands of years we have wasted on this, THOUSANDS OF YEARS, we have wasted our existance as human beings and now we must demand our right of return our right to freedom our right to live without being told how to live with out catching flack for fuckin thinkin the unthunk thoughts. aye fuck this.

ATTENTION:

for those who may read this and enjoy what i say. fine. find enjoyment in it. but dont fucking idolize me dont take these words to heart, these arent your words, these arent my words. they are fucking useless words. you need to take your own words and free your ass i cant do shit for you. you are you and i am me. i appreciate compliments, but dont - just dont - look at me in any sort of light - im just another animal.

that above paragraph sounds cocky and asshole-esque. fine. i think it is needed.

wo he hao.

jintian, wo qu gongzou.

ai

my dad: do you have an aversion to money?

me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

or something to that affect.

right my friends rule

except AJ he needs to not refer to me and van as bf/gf - aside from that he is ok.

kiss for the lady.

wo hen mang

ai.

[20:43] Soldier killed by blast takes British toll to 33
[20:42] Hoon at odds with Straw over need to uncover weapons
[20:41] Collateral damage
[20:39] Iraq situation critical, warn aid agencies
[20:38] Bush: battle of Iraq is over
[20:30] Coalition forces continue to face threats in Iraq
[17:51] 'Baghdad backlash' hit Labour in UK polls
[16:00] Big Explosions Shake Baghdad
[15:54] Blair Adviser: U.S., U.K. Waged War on Iraq Because of Oil


ok - so take a look at the list of news articles above. look at what bush says - then look all around bush - i mean - its fucking obvious that the battle of iraq is not over - that there is still fighting going on - not just military coloumns rolling over sand and killing innocent civilians or blowing up essential infastructure or murdering journalists - but now we are going to have a palestine/israel situation - but worse, cause now there are two of them right next to each other. and i was going to see at least only one of the occupying forces has nukes - but oh shit! israel has a couple hundred as well. its fucking crazy - the president is abosultely out of his mind and any moron who wathces the news would know it - but wait a sec - lets turn on the news - laci peterson, some other random stuff, some other random stuff, war stuff, but nothing on whats really happening on the ground in iraq. aye. well there you have it folks, the war is officially over, the president got to ride in a jet plane, said his shitty speech, and now we all can go back to being on the look out for terrorists! yay! woot! USA! USA!

i dont even know - at the begining of this war besides being really fucking angry and sad - i was scared, because a part of me was worried about the possibility of chemical or biological attack anywhere in the world as a some sort of backlash - and we got? ::crickets in the background::

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO FUCKING SHIT - any moron could of told you that or a top level nuclear scientist could of told you too - wait one did. along with a host of other experts and such - people who ahve some grasp on what they are saying and generally tend to say it with and objective viewpoint.

im going to vomit and run errands.

and my mum loves laying shit on me like i am here little toy or something - cunt.

ai.

the last couple posts have been poetry -
albeit they suck - anyone has a the right to use them in any way they see fit.

steal! pilfer! change and alter!

give me no credit. for i have done nothing to deserve it.

i am for real. this is not intellectual copy right, this is fucking free for all.

love//ai

silent silence quiet quiescence
im quiet - we are quiet - our generation is quiet
suffering from silent abuse -n- quiet misuse
there seems to be a misconception w/i our generation about how we should be spending our time. i dont neccessarily believe that class room sequestering is the wisest thing while passions run high we arent afraid of ass kickin and a little jail time builds character
i dont plan to die till ive been beaten and arrested at the same time.

you want safety?
FINE!
ive had enough of mine

safety isnt safe
comfort isnt comfortable

cause complacency will be the silent killer of everyone who was raised in the 90's

No! No regrets! No guilt!

i make my choices and my choices have made me. why the fuck would i change or desire to change any of it? are you stupid? or do you just like to build walls around yourself?

fucking pointless walls!

the entire fucking planet is walled in and now you too

what the fuck are you afraid of?

fucking tell me - tell anyone - tell someone - cause your fear is the biggest meanest newest shiniest lock you're gonna have to pick on your way to freedom.

sucka

im having trouble finding something sexier than no make up
long leg hair thick armpit hair a minimum week long stink and no fear

im drawn like an addict
whats wrong with me
why is every hairy beast now a sex object and you smooth chicks induce vomit
i dunno - maybe smelling like ck one or whatever aint natural and every hairy woman i meet can kick my ass - whats more fun than that?

i dont want submission
i demand an ass kickin
a lover who wont be tamed, who wont be ashamed to throw me around, you missionary fuckers are lame.

hair - long long long long long long long long long
HAIR!
thick curly long dreaded hair
wispy curly brillo-ee
scratchy leg hair
longer than mine
damp wet warm pleasant wood chip stink and the curve of her armpit is the perfect fit for my chin and this moment i realize how much love im in.

hey! im not dead

im going to masturbate. yum.

and then write 750 words on why me going to south africa will increase my educational experience. while on the phone

yum


food + sex + spoken word

yum

ai

not like ths

this cant ahppen this aint right this aint real i aint gonna take it any more

my life is being consitently hijacked by assholes in up in the white house and ive got no more control i cant fight back cause they got all the weapons and they got all the power and they got all the money and im left alone in the woods with my stick and my cat and i cant do shit

every second passes it just gets worse and the

fuck this other where did it go why cant i have it back why did it have to leave why did it fly away like that why i am here why are we here is the question i am asking why dont you have the answer

what am i writing what am i saying i have no clue ive got no answers ive got no decisions or im undecided and im suppossed to perform tonigt at 7pm and ive got shit to read and there is enormous pressure on my head more than on atlas and im just 19 all i want is peice and it aint here it aint now and i aint gonna make through another day.

its fuckin 442 pm and im leaving in less than 5 months for hawaii and there rest of the time is going to be suffering through fucking work and my rents and all the shit people my age suffer through and we all know whats up but its to much to bitch about to complian about cant we speak out about cant we get fucking pissed that no one listens to us cause we are sequesterd away in classrooms for the time in our lives we are all full of passion and asskicking and wont let no body step to us - and we accept it and we say sure i neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to go to school i neeeeeeeeeeeeed to lsiten i neeeeeeeeeeeeed to follow rules and i fucking know that this shit aint trrue i know my life is more than this more than grades and more than cars and more than suvs and more than any thing you can set in front of me ever and we all want is nothing more than peace and happiness and to be loved

i guess im asking too much

how many yellow ribbons do you need?

how many yellow ribbons make it ok - justify the pain - make the killing go away?

how many yellow ribbons will it take to soak up all the blood, bandage all the wounds, remove the DU, and give out water -n- food?

how many yellow ribbons for the five hundred thousand children that have died as a result of american enforced sanctions?

how many yellow ribbons do we need to justify this invasion and military occupation?

do we need a colored ribbon for every injustice endorsed - silently or violently?

how about blood red for the thousands killed and kidnapped by the AUC, those colombian right wing paramilitaries groups funded overtly by you and me and trained in fort benning?

maybe olive tree green for the infinity of daily horrors inflicted by the IDF on palestinians funded by our tax dollars and american corporations?

or collar blue for the millions of working poor consistently ignored by the rich white males up in big white houses who emphasis is weapons of mass destruction not health care prrgrams.

but what about the

dead vietnamese - the dead chlieans - the dead japanese - the dead mexicans - the dead yugoslavians - the dead chinese - the the dead cubans - the dead cambodians - the dead koreans - the dead afghanis - the dead native americans - the dead africans.

by my account roy g. biv is busy and every fucking tree in america should look like a goddamn rainbow while a governmental commission researches the next color designed to suck sympathy out of an already emotionless society.

how many yellow ribbons to cover your eyes?
how many yellow ribbons to cover your mouth?
how many yellow ribbons to tie up your arms?
how many yellow ribbons to bind your ankles?
how many yellow ribbons to strap you down?

how many yellow ribbons to kill each of your senses so you can join the mass of numb mindless zombies

cause tying a ribbon around a tree makes it all ok -makes the dead come alive - makes the killing go away - makes it right - it justifies

so, i ask you again -

How many yellow ribbons do you need?

what day is it?


is it thursday? wednesday? friday?

i dont know
i cant remember
my time seems to get wasted at trivial activities such as work, school, jumping through hoops which seem to get perenially higher.

well fuck that

im done
the hoops
are being broken and im not fucking playing any more.

this is more than just going to hawaii next fall this is stopping things now.

stopping how i let myself be sucked in everytime

how i fucking censor my self out of fear for other peoples feelings and reactions

why cant i fucking speak like i think we are people so fucking resitant to new ideas to new thoughts to not listenting to not obeying to actually fucking making a goddamn choice in their lives and not sitting idly by.

some asshole today over heard me talking about how we are not free in our society - i think the rant came from something having to do with the war im not sure - but this goddamn asshole is like "but we have a choice" and im like, what choice? i can choose job a or job b. that is no fucking choice i still 'have' to have a fucking job, i still need to willingly sequester myself behind the shiny translucent bars or america. but wait. i can choose what car i want to use to kill the planet - i can choose what fucking town i want to live in. if i have enough money - i can choose what fucking credit card will hold my fucking soul hostage. that is not freedom - just like freedom will not come from me typing in this box or me ranting to my friends or to myself freedom will come only when i, you, us! takes action to stop this madness to halt this machine to fuckign change things for once to not just sit by and watch our planet die.



i saw a beautiful kid today - he tried to drink a banana with a straw - he stuck the straw into the banana and began to suck.

i almost died of laughter - i actually jumped up and down when i saw this - it was beautiful - i love that kid - i wrote it on my hand so i can remember what he did. just so pefect.

i wrote emails to david rovics, against me, and hopeless dregs of humanity today asking them to do a benefit show for the teaneck 5, i hope they can help, rovics might, i doubt against me will - those fucking monkeys are on fat wreckords or something now and im all getting the label vibe from them - uh uh bad juju timmy bad juju.

one paper done

3 to go.
10 pg
3 pg
3 pg

all for the same jackass - hes not bad - i love em - funny and such an asshole - i am his fucking class - i mean why is it that i always end up being the class in everyclass i am in. and by being the class i mean being the fucking dork who always answers questions, volunteers, speaks up, picks fights with teachers...i mean...its like the room is filled with zombies and im the only psycho not eating brains and loosing parts of body to gangreene or drooling profusely. i mean is it fucking hard to ask questions to be wrong every now and then. what the fuck are these people afraid of? does everyone need a fucking drug to get them going. goddamn psychopathic losers. someone was all like 'i wonder about you sometimes' and i was like 'you wonder about me? i wonder about me' and then i thought and was like no fuck that i dont fucking wonder about me at all i dont fucking wonder for one fucking second about me i fucking wonder about the rest of the goddamn world every fucking second i am alive. shit. i am the only one who makes any sense at almost any minute of the day. fuck. this makes me real sad sometimes.

but.

then people like zack come around. people like arjun pop up in my life. people like lil' lauren show up, saiya, siobahn, lucy, annie, vanessa, lauren, cassie, chris, zoe, chris, kaori, sean, jake, mike, josh, dan rosen...the list of people who had me think life is worth living for the past few months is so long. the kindness that is inside people is fathomless and inspirational. keeps me smiling and keeps me moving. i love y'all. and if someone reads this and aint in that list, then i am thinking about you case you wouldnt know about this if i didnt care about you - so feel special. i dunno. i love everyone. you too.

tomorrow will be long.

wo hen lei.

ai