Questions for another day:

do i know i was an asshole? or do i know that i other people think i was an asshole and im just saying that to get sympathy and acceptance?

do i think things can ever change on a large scale?

i definately walk around holding a set of morals and standards that i believe to be the right ones.

community, learning to form a community and a cohesive group, to live together as a whole.

do i have regrets? regrets from fireflies?

god, now there would be dogs all around me if this was india.

the validity of the experience, the experience of fireflies, defending and understanding what that is/was/will continue to be.

what do i feel about this? about the trip? about the group? about myself? really, what do i feel about it?

will i ever email larry?

ai

d

late night lab fight

woah.

what the fuck?
woah

NJ?

who can deal with this place? am I missing something? life is so fucking hectic i feel like im on crack and all strung out, i want to attend events and all i can think about is india, india, india. Talking with people from India is about the only thing i want to do. most other people feel so fucking not real.

i dont feel real.

and the struggle continues, grows even and becomes so much more than it was. i welcome this.

duh, realization. duh.

its funny to return to jersey and to have the mind, at first, of leaving a problem there in that place, and I am leaving/running from that place.

im scattered and too poor of a multi tasker to really focus i said id write today cause there is a mic tomorrow night and john/renee want me to read, and yeah itd be nice to read but i just hate the fucking box right now and i havent written poetry at all, it feels like some foriegn language that i once knew but now forgotten. its funny to be fluent in something and then let it fall by the wayside, i feel like i forgot how to write poetry. god, i feel fucking pathetic. its fucking poetry for christsake not rocket science you put feeling to word and go.

I wrote this in India as a response to trents email and i keep returning to the first paragraph while writing in an attempt to keep the thought process focused, so the stuff at the end i wrote first and the stuff up top i finished with.

ai
d

Woah -

Does it hurt most or strike most cause he is right? Cause his insights are mostly dead on and though I can find things to come back at him with, I wont cause it will just diffuse the feelings I have and I want to resolve this, not dissolve this.

And cause he angers me so, it just angers me more that he is right in the sense that today walking down the road I was like I want someone to tell me I’m wrong and I got it, twice, in email form so that I wont forget it. Cause I got the message I asked for twice. Twice, so read it twice, and think about it. And cause its him, cause it’s the man who threw me out there into the fire to be eaten and for me to burn. And that’s why it fucking hurts me that his advice is what I asked for today. And that it is his advice which I’m going to try and follow. And that when I see him, I want to cry, punch him, and collapse, or turn the other way all at once.

I also said that I probably wouldn’t listen if I heard it and why coming from him am I listening?

And I think now I want to cry, or something. Pinky barks, Jason’s water bottle clinks and clanks with his step as his carabineers bump his nalgene and I sit, saddened, less saddened. And the noise for 3d pinball comes across the room from the comp Jason is at.

Yes it hurts/strikes most cause he is right, yes that is why it hurts most and what hurts most is that he is not on my side and on theirs and that this us/them is more like me/them and I’m quite alone, quite sad.

How then do I resolve this and not dissolve this can I return to the same actions? Can I just return to my room and read and sleep and burn the mosquito coil and candle and smear that cream on my ass and feet? Can I now do those things? Or do I want to sit and discuss and just talk and just tell anyone that I feel bad and that I’m sorry. Sorry.

The mood, my feeling has totally changed, and its switched back. But awkward, off. I might need to stop cause the mood flip vibe has changed.

Why is 4 pages of this easier to type than anything ive written all semester sans emails, the language is all the same, the bump shuffle blame, the same move around and let it out and bit by bit you see a bit here and a bit there. And I think I just had a conversation that was honest, if longwinded for the first time in a long time and I want to have more and I want to not turn around cause who knows what is behind me. Just a person, like me, a human being doing their thing and I’m afraid that they will just set me on end.

And captain “I don’t know if there can be a just anything” what the fuck are these just judgments just based on and its just Jason, just Jason. Just a judgment and just about everyone, and everything thing you encounter, everyday and all the time, so that no one or no place, and no thing escapes the stratification in your head that is based on just, just who knows what, for sure its not anything I can explain. And can I write off the stratification just like that? Are not some of my judgments based on principles, experiences, and beliefs; is it ok to judge or stratify based on those things?

Is it ok to judge or stratify at all?

And what is the value language shift, what are my values? I don’t know, I should elaborate on them cause it would help in this quest, what is this quest for?

Why does the blank canvas appear not so blank? Why did the nica air cut through it? What was it about those people? Was that a circumstance which allowed me to shine? And why? And why here is it not at all the same? Or was it? And was it tainted to begin with? And what will home hold? Can I cast away from the existing relationships that affect both of us? And will there ever not be a problem and how to work on it? And how to use it to address this? Because as I feel myself falling I know that I am not better than those ma’s in the coffee shops or better than any other white dude on church street. And its all walking backwards from here, cause my fingers detach from my body but attach to the keys and my head feels lighter body heavier and splat back to two days ago and the pavement a kilo away from city market and the eye will be fine, no tetanus though one would not hurt, cause I don’t even know what tetanus is and neither does Lawrence, neither of us know but Lawrence is going to the CDC to find out.

I, me, I, me, I, me, I, me, I, me – strictly performance based and lacking honest gut level honesty. And what about my standards, what the fuck are those? And those parries, yeah, you know those deft parries used to ward off most oncoming arguments and the worded responses and tone that I programmed into me long ago to satisfy those who asked for, and why in nica with those folk did I feel ok to say that im just acting and that the world is a stage. That im just acting and the world is a stage. And that im just asking what’s the play? What am I called to do? Why in that room, with the candles and moth, and joe and I and chris and l and l and traven and Woodrow and all, why in that room did I open what was it about that air, that cooled and calmed me so and why did I feel comfortable wishing the police a good night? Why were those eyes so strong, why in Nicaragua of all places was I lit up? What made me open up?

And the circle shifts the blame to philosophical ponderings not inner workings. Can I just see? And not doing anything else? Is the prospect of inaction so terrible? Can I be an observer not an actor? Am I anything to begin with? Is my nature that defined or was/is it shaped and either way fuck trent and maybe fuck chris for emailing if asked by anyone else to do so.

And page numbers don’t matter.

And the circle begins again with myself, past trent saying that I am just shifting blame, from ‘every time I…’ every time I saw, every time something upset me I had a problem, a problem in other people, is the problem in my vision, is the problem me seeing others problems? Is the blame to be placed in me for faulting? For seeing problems? Is it just being critical? Is there a just anything?

And the circle begins again with myself. Trent said that I am just shifting blame instead of looking at myself, and what that every time I saw something that offended, bothered, upset, transgressed my standards I should of said something? Asked, casually, why? But that is not at all a casual question that is a question loaded with negatives and criticisms and why didn’t you? And why cant you? And I cant believe you did that? And are you actually stupid enough for me to ask you this question or for you to do that?

The little boy is easily distracted and will lend his attention to anything that speaks or moves or excites him, he fills his time with new things looking for the old feeling that has left him and once people are around thinks thoughts of why him? And how come? And that’s unfair or stupid hair and my god what a fuck or that was interesting, which actually means, I bet she didn’t talk cause I was here.

The little boy enjoys quiet and the noise in his head, he likes books and reading and those other outward things he gets joy from only because he can perform well at, whether mechanically or passionately, though passion seems to be something that lives now only in memories or hope. He sees most clearly now in rage and delusion but wants both to end, soon. Soon. Soon, indeed. The silence is deafening to him thick and obtuse and refuses to disperse, I know she is there because I can hear the clamor of carabineer on nalgene and empty phone ringing, ringing, ringing, “hello? Hello? Hello?” click. The she is a he and we know not which is worse, and why are people worse? And why is there yelling and why now do you want only to run back to your room? And sleep? And why now has sleep become the place where you can find freedom from this fire?

That was interesting.

The little boy, stated and stared at, confused and abused, tortured and teased, mercilessly vented against and unaccepted without any freedom or pleasure and let go be by himself cause that’s the only why he knows how to be, other people scare him, they make him sad, they upset him, he knows the language and the set of locks for certain things but he sets them forth without any emotion or conviction just going through the motions and he sees all his faults and he throws up his shields cause he is tired of hiding but the motion is easier than sleeping or admitting or opening up to what might be on the other side of this.

And I don’t want to know who that is. Could be worse or better, couldn’t of said it better myself. And he talks and I listen and I think I sit I respond.

Superior. Yippee. It wont let go, I cant let go of it, and I see myself above and beyond and what? Like I want to break down and cry to trent or morley or anyone about how it hurts me inside and that the shell of hardness is cracking and fucking a look inside and tell me what you see, that little boy, that sad little boy, that scared lonely little boy who wants nothing more than to be hugged and hugged till he dies. And who, right now thinks of dying.

What that I cant accept or cant accept the fact that I think that im better than, or above or higher or on a different level than other folk, that I have my friends and associates – there is no never – and I choose people who see that or who I can hide it from or who I haven’t shown it to yet. Or who im afraid to show it to, and there are those situations in the beginning of moments/experiences/adventures that I lay out my range of judgments about those I’m with and those who will be with me for the duration of however long and I just posit myself above or below and work from there.

I am quite sick of the bugs. What am I supposed to learn? That everybody is different but equal? That I just might learn something? What dude I fucking learned things, I gained fucking knowledge, and what that I am whatever – better – just say it, its easier, accept the thought process that I am just better, quicker, smarter, more prepared, gifted. I think those things, I have thoughts, and I seek out people who corroborate them, and I do not actively seek out those who do not and if I let go of those thoughts I feel like everything will fall out from under me, and I know that it wont but I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people. I cannot seem to just accept, and man trent, fuck you. That’s about all I have to say.

I don’t know what to say or how to resolve, fuck the sock company and fuck Wyckoff too, how does this computer know Wyckoff is a proper noun? God, I used to sleep in the parking lot of that cvs, why? When? For? I don’t even know, something having to do with work I think.

I cant seem to jump past this anger, I want to read the mail and go through each sentence and craft a long well worded and vicious reply attacking trent and his fucking India is the best ever and im going to run around and support bonded labour and those who benefit from it. And jim, the fucking same, the im better and I know and I cant believe you are acting how you are acting.

And the yogi prince? Whatever! Saju called me that, fine, I accepted and enjoyed it, whatever, id been working on my yoga, and he saw it or he’s crazy or there is an idea im even afraid to type. That maybe people are sometimes just certain things, for whatever reasons. I cant seem to escape the fucking cacophony of compliments. Not for a day. Do I unconsciously seek it out? Am I crazy? Different?

What now? All I want to do is shove my dick down trent and jims mouth. Fuck them both.

And I have found comfort in friends, here and there.

And I have found comfort in standards that are beyond and above and higher than what I have seen.

And I don’t need some dick professor insulting me or putting me out there for a fucking slaughter to the group – I hold the reigns here and could cut the cord on the program, I wont, and I wont sit back with that option and seek comfort in it.

End run – bypass them – goddamn him. He succeeds only in making me angry and helping me see things.

And now what, let him sit there with the last word – as if he does not have something to learn? And morley? Like he is perfect? Or beyond the bounds of regular academic discourse.

holy shit.

and thats enough of that. but home? where the fuck am i?

laughter of my parents and thier friends echoes throughout the house and i cannot just deal right now.

it came up again with chris today, india judgement work people group, he knew thats why he emailed me, and good fine, im not totally ok with it.

there are people in my house right now. people. voices. no space. no quiet. no escape. im trapt and they will call for me sooner or later.

i cant believe it came up again today. bamn, through the conversation i dropped that i had no work and then chris, yeah we know how you did your work and then yeah i did my work - he knows, that means everyone knows, that means i feel isolated, the curtain falls, but mia invited over whenever i needed, do they not care? and maybe arent judging me on it?

and they watched the simpsons, i stared into space drinking my chocolate smoothie and not wanting to watch tv. i dont like tv, any tv really and i dont watch to watch or hear it and that goes for most radio too. and i felt isolated, seperated from them. not a part. and not being able to talk to some people adds to my feeling of general discontent and seperation, maybe i should make some emergency phone calls?

i feel bad, real bad infact. fuck. i now know what to do, im afraid to make some phone calls and the conflict sits there, how i relate to people. Ghana?

goddamn. ghana.

"i came like water, and like wind i go." Omar Kayyam

god, what a lesson, i cant even talk about it but its the only thing i talk think about. i cant run hide from it cause its the only thing there and i cant escape it because we all have the same friends and when we are all home we will meet and interact and again the chance.

chance.

nope. no chance.

yeah, there is a chance.

can i take it?

ai
d

an indian sunset

So, i sent another brief email to trent, his response is as follows. Im going to comment after.


Demetrius,

your final line ( above subject) is your fate -always blaming others without reflecting on your role in the issue

people have the right to face their accusers:
- you accused the current semester group of irreponsibility
- you accused siddhartha and myself of not organizing a 'real academic program'

for me to allow such private (i.e. closed) discourse is to asked to participate in an atmosphere of paranoia and mistrust which would undo the verypurpose of the open trust of the Fireflies community.

As much as it may hurt , your suffering must be expressed openly and become transparent if any real discourse and growth is to happen.

Hence privacy has boundaries. In matters that involve the integrity -in this case the future existence of the program -and there canbe nothing private.

We built this learning experience as a holistic community process that aspires to reject the power patterns of conventional hierarchicallearning. By sending a 'private e-mail to me confessing your superior standards was trying to perform an 'end-run' around these intentions and making me a partner to your self exaltation at the cost of the program and all involved.

I have witnessed your tendency to exalt yourself in comparison to others ( e.g. your being called a 'prince' at Yogi)

what you don't seem to understand is that your behavior and your e-mail to me was a by passing of "them', the community, and in trying to make me a partner to your self-exaltation , in essence asking me to agree with your performing an act of domination over 'them' ( which you didn't recognize includes me and siddhartha)..

This is an opportunity to learn about yourself ......................and if you have the courage......... to face the community you are in openlyand resolve matters

trent.

above written after a consultation with jim morley - who also conclude:"Then I would urge him to strive to resolve his relations with the community. He COULD learn from this experience!"


That was in response to this email:


"So, if i send you another PRIVATE EMAIL. Will you keep it to yourself? Or willyou send it out to another 13 people?"

pissed off, disrespected, and violated
-Demetrius



so, i said i was going to comment on it and im going to but even fucking starting this sentence is hard i can feel the nervousness running in my veins, forearm muscles hurt, butterflies going apeshit in my stomach. why? cause trent is dead on. yeah. i mean, yeah. i mean yeah. gosh, starting this off is so hard, but he is right and that would make me wrong. and that, for all its wonderful possibility, is hard to accept. read something from nicholes paper last night, a spot about accepting your faults so you join the group. yeah. accepting my faults, being poor at group interactions, not being an asshole. im getting off topic, simply trent was right and i was wrong to act how i acted, to judge, to send trent an email, to have these questions/concerns and not raise them within the group but to go around everysone back to the authority figure.

like a tattle tail.

indeed. that is most certainly what i did. fuck. its hard to get my thoughts moving, im sorry. good one, i am quite sorry. in fact, im hugely sorry for being a fucking asshole, for judging, without all the information needed, for jumping to conclusions to holding onto pretenses and projecting onto all of you a range of shitty identities. im sorry.

im sorry for wishing that i had gone last year.

im sorry for being unable to communicate and identify, for assuming for making people feel uncomfortable, for not being understanding for thinking folk should know shit or act a certain way, think certain things, like and dislike certain things. for not remebering how hard it was for me when i had to learn these, for not being helpful at all. im sorry for being an asshole, a pretentious dick.

i wish we had more time and i more courage to discuss and apologize and attempt to rectify or at least reconcile differences. but we dont and i have ruined most of this, i made my time what it was and that was good/no good/in between.

ive learned alot. alot about india, alot about myself and i owe a great debt to the 9 of you who have helped me in this process, i probably will never be able to tell you all this, but i think it and maybe it will come out tomorrow, who knows? im going to hold on to this and run with it, hoping that i change the fundamentals of how i behave and how i understand/relate to people. its what i want to do and ive got the juice to back it.

yeah and words mean nothing and i know that, and they will continue to mean nothing until i act on them, with all the people in my life, all the relationships i have and all the thoughts i think. unlearning this is not going to be easy and im going to make mistakes, i have to make mistakes, that is part of the process and i want to make mistakes, i want to learn, i want to fuck up so that i can see what im doing, see how it effects others, to see the problems it creates. i want to do that. i need to do that. i will do that, i will try.

hugs.

all i want when i get back are hugs.

the fire here doesnt burn pleasantly, it burns me, my skin, my face, my hands, my feelings and thoughts. it burns my minutes and my hours, my journeys and returns. it burns my room, and my bed, my dreams, and my waking moments. these burns scar.

this fire is making me afraid to burn brightly, this fire sits and waits for me to make mistakes this is not a strong pleasant hearth fire but roaring apartment blaze and the screams coming from inside are all the different me's being burnt alive.

ill stand with you in that field of matches and we'll ignite the world but this fire that blazes here makes me angry and afraid this fire makes me afraid to tower and rage and bellow and reach to the sky, this fire here hurts like no fire before has and these scars will not fade as the others have.

i dream now of ponds and lakes, damned streams that make pools with sandy bottoms where i can bask nude in the sunlight with my feet tickling the bottom and little fishes swimming in between my toes. i sleep now with my head in deep grass watching clouds pass over heard and listening to distant voices laugh and shout. i close my eyes and see the twinkle of a million stars over heard and hear the chorus of a million spring peepers all around me. i imagine my but sitting firmly in a garden bed and hands covered with dirt, seeds being sown and weeds being pleasantly efficently removed.

im dreaming of cool warmth of sweet memories of being different and not understanding what that means.

see you soon, and thanks so much.
demetrius

the storm has mostly passed but it still at times is rough waters. there is alot of stuff that relates to this about judgement that i need to work through and id like to talk with you about it when i get home cause im stuck and need to sound this off of others. ive got my list of stuff to finish while im still in india and thats coming along as well.

and yeah today - which happened after i wrote the first 2 paragraphs of this email was fucking awesome. so i went to sangama a organization that works with sexual minorities (i hate the term) to do research for my sex workers paper. i should of gone to this place in january cause its fucking amazing -and when i think january i think snow - thats fucking wierd - but yeah, so a fabulous library and resource center, which i briefly perused before sitting in on a meeting about hijiria's (born men who live as women and survive on sex work and begging) and the discrimination they face at the hands of the police and judiciary in mysore (city about 2 hours drive south of bangalore) interesting meeting, alot got lost because of the shitty translation and my lackof kannada (state language). anyway, as wonderful as most gay people are, the kothis(born men with feminine interests/characteristics who also often work as sex workers) told me about a house warming for a hijiria and invited me, so i went - and the craziness ensued - so imagine walking the down the street with a gang of overly flaming gay boys who are all 5'1 or 5'2 and dark skinned and being a 6'2 white as ghost boy in the middle of them throught the streets of bangalore, then onto one bus, then onto another bus and this time we only go one stop and we all pile near the door, the bus slows down to a roll and two boys jump off, i jump off next and SPLAT!! straight to the bangalore pavement, cutting my knee, ankle, shin, and palm of my right side - they all feel bad and some ma starts draggin me to a doctors when the hijirias show up, with stubble and sari and all and im like - oh my - so i wipe off and clean up and then follow the boys down a side street, pass the jeers and jaunts of locals towards a pumping stereo system blasting indian music mixed with hard rock and techno beats and im surrounded by kothis and hijirias and all sorts of fabulous people crammed into a tiny section of a street intersection and im smiling and using my limited kannada to its fullest extent, cause being the only white boy there im a hitand cause im cute im even more of a hit and i smile and chat and make eyes and realize that i am in the epicenter for transgender bangalore sex workers and then like where the fuck am i! its amazing and one of the ladies, name forgotten smiles at me, and introduces her self and blows me a kiss, which i return, we meet eyes, hold eyes, she gives me a hug, twice and we move away. later, while squeezing into the tiny dining area (tent) she passes me and our hair is brushing and our breath mixed and she thrusts her entire body against mine and i almost wilt but carry on because this is just part of life. i sit, enjoy a fabulous meal. and wash my hands exchange brief eyes with the lady who has been so friendly to me and leave.

and i think. and i wonder. what if i had stayed?

we returned to sangamsa's via autorickshaw, think black and yellow chickpea with three wheels on crack ducking and weaving in and out of traffic. back at the office i do some reading, and then head to the main room to chat with the boys and girls and inbetween and in walk two nepalis, both of which are fabulously hot and are shooting a film about hijirias, we chat, exchange numbers and emails and i get another bus to a different section of the city, where i am now. emailing and drinking juice and thinking what a wonderful life i lead.

so yeah. life is wonderful and beautiful and even with all the motherfucking problems that exist in my life i know that everything is horribly horribly horribly fine.

god joe. what kind of world are we living in? where the most beautiful and vibrant people are relegated to side streets and stares and mutilation and abuse and the hands of the authorities.

im cry i had such a wonderful day.

lovedemetrius

what to write? whats the reality? whats the vibe feeling and get down?

judging. seems to be the problem or at least the crux of it. stemming from judging: the way judgements are delivered and their nature.

yeah so i judge people. whatever. its part of what i do. its how i go about understanding people and things and experiences. ok, accepted. why do i judge? ive found two reasons. one, is that being tormented from 1st to 12th grade i had to deal with it somehow. one of the ways i dealt was by telling myself that i was better than all the other kids who tormented me. the other reason is that i remember my mother judging people when i was younger. I also remember telling her to stop. So, those are two reasons i identified today and im going to work to identify more.

yeah . blah

ai
d

this trip, this living with 9 other students for three months and a week, this whole culture shock, this whole responsibility thing, this whole how the hell do i relate to other people - holy shit i relate to other people pretty fucking poorly at times, why do i do that? How can i change it? What are my relationships at home based on? What are the ones here based on? Why do i get along better with the Indians than the US citizens?

alot of questions, alot of words, not alot of answers, and alot of tensions running high here and emotions running rampant. Stress builds explodes and dominates the landscape.


ai
demetrius

I dont know what to say now.

I love the language and the people who speak it.

My email, after the immediate explosion, has gotten people thinking about how to give feedback and constructive criticism to the powers that be for next semester. Yay!

Oh my. I am so happy right now. Such a violent rain/hail storm today that i basked in, played in, laid in, and let wash me of all things. Then I spun for an hour, without even keeping track cause i found a strong middle position that i can hold and which gives me a way to move from move to move and move my body too. And I did it for an hour, that rod, big and heavy and thankfully long, has become so much lighter to me now - my arm muscles are getting bigger - hehehe...i feel like a frosh in the wieght room benching and being like - yay! bigger muscles - gosh i am such a friggin dork. but i love it and i enjoy having tighter, firmer, and pleasantly toned arms that are ever increasing

SUCH A DORK

and i love love love it.

ok so im better and the world is better and the party ends in 10 days, omgee is back so we all can get the fuck down. and ive got five days for the project paper, four as of tomorrow, and i think ill be fine, spending the 14th through 18th, editing and getting gifts for my family in city market and national market too.

im going to be sad and happy to leave, im looking forward to Paris and seeing vanessa when i get home. i keep picturing her and i try not to expect or dwell or build it up but yeah she gives amazing hugs. and yeah. you know.

ai
demetrius

So this is the email i wrote to Trent:


"I think that only 4 of us will be back in time and I cant promise participation from anyone, even myself cause I dont know yet if I want to defend this semester - it is an, and has been, an uphill battle here to understand why,
how, and on what this semester moves. Challenging and thought provoking certainly, but academic? In a sense that can be defined and justified to Ramapo? I have my doubts.

We learned pretty quick that things are done differently here, from timing, to the flexibility of set schedules(by flexibility, I mean not knowing till the day of what we were doing) and that the learning is a 24 hour process. But
there is the element of carrot & stick that is lacking here: the stick.

I dont know if you have been corresponding with Siddartha or John at all but out of the ten students, as of tonight 4/7, 5 of the 10 have handed in the third paper. The paper was orginally due 3/25, it was then pushed back to 3/31 and now it is 4/7 and we have 5 of 10 students who have completed the assignment. Two of the 10 students have yet to finish their 2nd paper and we have less than 2 weeks left here, in which the last paper, the most substantial and academic of the four, is due. And it isnt due on the 19th, but on the 18th and the
presentations are scheduled to begin on the 14th.

I love the time ive spent here and the things ive learned. This place is going to affect me for years to come and continue to challenge me and piss me off and disgust me, but the human relationships ive built will drive me forward for years. But im am not suprised that you are having trouble defending this program as academic to Ramapo. Frankly, it isnt. And that is both good and bad, as you know. Read the papers Trent, then make your own decision.

Hell man, the way people approached class, field visits, and learning opportunities here has been downright disgusting and horrible - those words are Dr.Gowda's, words i strongly support. When Dr. Barretto gave his amazing 2 day lecture about India's economic history and present condition, and this was one of the best lectures we had - there were 5 students present. Five. Half of the group. That style of attendance, with over a quarter to a third of the students missing from class & field visits began shortly after you left.

This is my perspective - not the groups and not a balanced or fair one - ive got stringent standards when it comes to class and participation - those are my own standards and its unfair to hold others to them. And hell the papers could be all turned in by the 20th. I hope so. And Ive only read my papers, people could be writing some amazing stuff, if they are writing at all. And im going to give folk, against experience, the benefit of the doubt.

But ive got to seriously question if i want to defend this semester to the college. Holding fireflies up to my past experiences as a human being there are some serious problems here with how people are treated and how the semester is conducted with reference to fair and equal student treatment, to what our grades are based upon, to the exposure we have to India, to the freedoms we have, and to a lack of any clear or concise message from those who are supposed to be organizing and facilitating this semester. Of the faculty that the syllabi said would be around at this time to help us with our final project - One of them is here, Siddartha, and he is not always available. Omgee is coming on the 9th and Gowda might be back by then, but no one knows. The lack of definition or clear communication between facilitators and students is, at times, stunning.

I love the people here and the learning opportunity is amazing. But it has some serious problems which need to be rectified if I am to help promote this program. I think a semester at Bangalore university would of been amazing and fantastically challenging as Fireflies has been. Both offer things the other does not.

The experience of travelling outside of one's country, one's comfort zones, and committing one's self to a good period of time living abroad is a defining and directing moment in anyone's lives. To live in India for 3 odd months has shaped me strongly and given me such a shot in the ass for the future that i hope my butt doesnt explode with potential. But if that energy is misdirected, ignored, let roam willy nilly about then there will be no way for people to harness it and engage with it actively, critically, and throughly.

I think there needs to be more structure and commitment from both sides of this equation - students & faculty - to really make this program shine. Im not talking of a rigid structure but one built collectively and supported
collectively, one that ceases to exists as people cease to participate so that a level of commitment is required. As of now the rough edges tend to dominate the picture. Concrete suggestions and ideas im going to save cause this is long enough. But to summarize, as of now, I cant defend this as academic, for the group, because it demonstrates a lack of guidance, opportunity, and support that an academic experiences requires. I can share my feelings and experiences about 3 months living in India, and hell I'd love to share that.

But this program needs tons of work - and fundamentally - i think it requires a certain type of student. I think that this year's group does not contain enough of that student, by far, by reallly realllllly realllllllly far. It is the students who make it or break it - and in my eyes, wearing the glasses of a Ramapo paper pusher, they broke it like a ming dynasty vase. But again, Ive read only my papers and am holding everyone to my standards - so, I hope im
proven wrong.

I'll see you soon, im spending two nights in Paris drinking wine and eating crepes before i come home. And ill figure out then whether or not I can handle a room full of people asking me questions.

Thanks for putting this together Trent. Maybe when we get together we can talk about the good and try to work out the bad."

Demetrius


It was in response to this email:


"hey people,

i need to know how many of you will be able to participate in this event. i am inviting the whole college and will probably get 50-75 people. The event will be very important for the future of the program

I have formed a faculty support group for the India semester -including Ruma Sen , Susan Hangen, .whom you might take follow up courses with on south asia and who might help you improve the papers you have written for
publication!

This event could secure the future of the Indian semester at Ramapo - it has been a long up hill struggle to get a semester program that is not connected to an official academic institution legitimated- can you think of what your semester would have been if you were going to the University of Bangalore?

I look forward to hearing your stories and evaluations - later we and the "04 semester group will meet on my hill top overlook of the mid-Hudson valley for a party and an insider analysis of the semester program.

Are any of you staying back in India for awhile?"


He then procedeed to forward it to the whole group with the following addendums:

DEMETRIUS,

YOUR PERSONAL JUDGMENTS AND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ACADEMIC QUALITY OF THE
PROGRAM AND THE LIMITED PARTICIPATION OF YOUR FELLOW STUDENTS ARE VERY
WORRISOME AND MUST BE PUBLICLY DISCUSSED
.

YOUR CRITICISMS WOULD VALIDATE THE VIEWS OF SOME RAMAPO ADMINISTRATORS WHO HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SHUT DOWN THIS PROGRAM BECAUSE IT IS NOT DIRECTLY TIED TO AN ACADEMIC INSTITUTION.

PEOPLE IF THESE VIEWS ARE YOUR COLLECTIVE CONCLUSION THE INDIA SEMESTER IS
HISTORY.

IN MY DEFENSE OF THE PROGRAM AT RAMAPO, AND MY SIMPLE RESPONSE TO DEMETRIUS, IS THAT DIVIDING THE ACADEMIC AND MORAL-PERSONAL IS EXACTLY WHAT THE COMMUNITY LEARNING PROCESS OF FIREFLIES ASPIRES TO TRANSCEND AND IN PRACTICE USUALLY DOES

HENCE FRAGMENTING JUDGMENTS ABOUT THE ACADEMIC AND MORAL-PERSONAL HAS TO BE- iN MY JUDGMENT- PUSHED INTO A COMMUNITY DISCOURSE AND MUST NOT REMAIN PRIVATE ALIENATION AND SUFFERING
.

I AM HOPING THAT THE COMMUNITY LEARNING PROCESS OF FIREFLIES MIGHT BE APPLIED TO THESE QUESTIONS AND JUDGMENTS BEFORE THEY BECOME AN IRREVERSIBLE STIGMA ON THE '05 SEMESTER EXPERIENCE. DEROGATIVE WORDS ONCE SENT INTO THE WORLD SET UP A FATE THAT WE CAN NOT ANTICIPATE.

DEMETRIUS I AM SORRY I HAVE TO VIOLATE THE PRIVACY OF YOUR PERSONAL E-MAIL TO ME....BUT GIVEN THE FUTURE ULTIMATE CONSEQUENCES OF THESE PRIVATE ALIENATIONS A COMMUNITY DISCUSSION MIGHT RESOLVE SOME OF YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HELP THE SEMESTER COME TO A BETTER END.

I HOPE IT IS NOT TOO LATE.

THEREFORE I ASK ALL OF YOU AT FIREFLIES TO READ AND DISCUSS DEMETRIUS'S
QUESTIONS AND JUDGMENTS AND MY SUGGESTIONS THAT FOLLOW BELOW.

SCHROYER SUGGESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION;

FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER WE HAVE SAID THAT RAMAPO STUDENTS ARE
ENTERING INTO A LEARNING COMMUNITY AT FIREFLIES -WHICH IS A HUB FOR A WIDER
LEARNING COMMUNITY. YOU HAVE BEEN PRIVILEGED TO ENCOUNTER WORLDS YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ENABLED TO ENTER WITHOUT THE WIDELY RESPECTED REPUTATIONS OF SIDDHARTHA AND THE PIPAL TREE NETWORK.

AN ACADEMIC EXPERIENCE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF BANGALORE WOULD NOT HAVE GIVEN YOU ACCESS TO COMMITTED ACTIVIST'S AND CRITICAL INTELLECTUALS. IF YOU WERE LUCKY YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME GOOD ACADEMIC ENCOUNTERS AT THE UNIVERSITY. BUT YOU WOULD HAVE EXPERIENCED GANDHIAN FREEDOM ONLY ACADEMICALLY. THE SPIRIT OF LEARNING IN THE FIREFLIES NETWORK IS UNIQUE AND I SUBMIT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE CHANGED BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED
IT

SIDDHARTHA'S WELCOME TO YOU MENTIONED THAT YOU WERE GOING TO BECOME PART OF A COMMUNITY THAT WOULD BE AS SUPPORTIVE AS YOU NEED. AS I REMEMBER SIDDHARTHA ALSO MENTIONED PERSONAL GROWTH AS A POSSIBLE OUTCOME OF THIS SEMESTER.- NOT THE USUAL ACADEMIC COMMODITY.IF SOME OF YOU HAVE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THIS COMMUNITY SUPPORT AND NOT GIVEN THE PROGRAM YOUR BEST EFFORTS YOU SHOULD GROW BY ADMITTING THAT IN YOUR DISCUSSIONS AND
SELF-EVALUATIONS.

SINCE DEMETRIUS HAS QUESTIONED THE ACADEMIC CONTENT OF THE PROGRAM - WHICH BY THE WAY THE '04 SEMESTER GROUP JUDGED TO BE TOO MUCH-I WOULD SUGGEST THE FOLLOWING EXERCISE.

MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE PRESENTATIONS AND FIELD ENCOUNTERS FOR EACH OF THE
THREE DIFFERENT COURSES AND -WITH THAT LIST BEFORE YOU- DISCUSS THE QUALITY OF THIS CONTENT IN COMPARISON TO AN EQUIVALENT COURSE AT RAMAPO.ALSO EVALUATE YOUR INDEPENDENT STUDY.

SECONDLY, I WOULD SUGGEST YOU THEN DISCUSS HOW THIS ACADEMIC CONTENT IS
IMPROVED -OR DEVALUED - BY BEING ENCOUNTERED IN A LEARNING COMMUNITY
ETHOS.

IN SHORT EVALUATE HOW THE COMMUNITY COMPONENT BALANCES WITH THE 'ACADEMIC'.

IS THIS COMMUNITY ETHOS ACTUALLY A HIGHER FORM OF MORAL LEARNING THAN IS
PROVIDED BY AN OFFICIAL ACADEMIC CONTEXT? OR HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATED OUT OF A RIGOROUS ACADEMIC EXPERIENCE?

SINCE DEMETRIUS HAS ALSO WONDERED IF THE ACADEMIC QUALITY OF PAPERS AND
PARTICIPATION ARE DEFICIENT I HAVE TO ASK ALL OF YOU TURN INTO ME AND JIM YOUR
PORTFOLIO'S WITH THREE COURSE PAPERS AND AN INDEPENDENT STUDY WRITE UP
.........AS WELL AS A SELF -EVALUATION OF YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THE COURSES
AND FIELD TRIPS.

SIDDHARTHA AND FIREFLIES STAFF WILL READ AND RECOMMEND GRADES BUT JIM AND I
ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING SURE THAT THE QUALITY IS THERE. IF YOU CAN NOT
FINISH ALL OF THIS WORK IN INDIA YOU CAN DO IT AFTER YOU RETURN BUT WE WILL
HAVE TO HAVE THE COMPLETE PORTFOLIO BEFORE GRADES ARE DUE FOR THE SPRING
SEMESTER- AROUND MAY 18TH.

WE HAVE TO DO THIS IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE ACADEMIC INTEGRITY OF THE INDIA
SEMESTER FROM ANY HOSTILE ACADEMIC INQUIRY.

IF IN YOUR DISCUSSIONS YOU COME UP WITH OTHER EVALUATIVE OPTIONS WE ARE OPEN TO THEM- IF YOU ALL AGREE -BUT OTHERWISE I MUST INSIST ON THE LETTER OF THE RAMAPO ACADEMIC RULES INSTEAD OF THE SPIRIT OF THE FIREFLIES LEARNING
COMMUNITY.

MAYBE YOU CAN FIND A CREATIVE WAY TO BALANCE THEM- BUT IT HAS TO BE A
CONSENSUS THAT YOU ALL WILL DEFEND.

SHOULD I CANCEL THE INDIA SEMESTER REPORT OUT ? FOUR PEOPLE ARE NOT ENOUGH

POSTPONE IT ..TILL MAY.....

OR THE FALL?


TRENT SCHROYER


Yeah, life here, just got a whole lot more interesting.

ai
demetrius

yeah. i identify with that freewheeling attitude and reality you are basking in right now - post high school bliss was so blissful - i wait eagerly for post college bliss to envelop me. about that: i got word that i might be able to finish my last needed class this summer as an independent study. yeah! i could be free as the wind come sept 05 - oh my god. that is such an idea that sparks such a feeling that lets me feel so goddam liberated - all my peers are worried about jobs and the rat race and im like hello! freedom! what are you doing? sigh, oh well. im going to have tea and watch the clouds and ponder the best way for me to advance myself as a human being. sigh. and i think that will be language learning and adventure for me. its a toss up between spanish and mandarin right now - read: its a toss up between living in china or living in south/central america or mexico.

aye that feeling of bliss. thank you for opening that door for me.

yeah - there is no way to grasp the ignorance that we, westerners the so called developed/civilized peoples have towards the sufferings of others.

like - 80000 - i knew the big global and africa numbers and i had looked at the numbers for ghana when working on the funding proposal - but the big numbers mask the horror of it because we cannot grasp big numbers - like picture 80000 people? can you? picture them dead or just picture a hundred people dead - its like woah and then the active desensitization process of the media - ugh - we get so immune and walking around india seeing the poverty and abuse/exploitation that is here and seeing so much of it - you cant really grasp it at some point - and its just like yeah another nude starving child, another pair of kids digging through the heaping garbage piles, another beggar with missing limbs, another kid with horrible scars - its overwhelming and you dont give money to beggars. cause it encourages begging and you dont want that cause you want the streets to be clean, you dont want your eyes offended by the sight of beggars. so you dont pay them and hope tomorrow they wont be there.

and its such a shitty cycle. and you know that something must be done but you arent sure what at all to do.

so going to ghana will be a bunch of things - an adventure, another stamp & visa in my passport, an exercise in futilty, a way to enjoy my privilege, a way to promote non-paternalistic solidarity and paternalistic ngo practices, and a way to make friends and see beauty in the world. and other things i cant identify right now . but no matter what happens it is problematic and yeah yeah everything is problematic but when we continue shit like this adventure the main focus of which is on building a school library which ghanaians are totally capable of doing without us and we are taking away employment, and slowing the process of construction. so yeah, if the focus was exclusively on fair trade and handing out condoms then maybe that would help but this is a piss in the bucket.

and im still going to do it cause i cant not coming from the vast pool of privilege i do come from.

ok this has gone on long enough im off to go breathe in the deep night air and relax before dinner.

ai
demetrius

its funny with the computers here, only one has a real steady connection to the net, so you can always find a line of people waiting to use it - and people always freaking out about the stuff not working. and even i sit on that line and keep trying the other computers in vain hope that they will magically work even though i know that these are machines which dont have any kind inkling toward magic. its been months now and this has been the situation its just funny how deep the addiction is. how truly deep the addiction is.

yeah groups. group identity and the sublimation of the self so that the group can exist. its crazy. and i kind of like it. and i find it, like you do, incredibly challenging. cause it suggests that there is an authority outside of myself that i should submit to. and then i have to wonder about that authority, where it comes from (in or outside of the group?) what its intentions are, how much affect i have on it, does the group authority actively create new ways of being/thinking/doing or does it reinforce old paradigms of exploitation and oppression? and then if the authority comes from within the group and i disagree with it, then do i leave the group? or work to change it? accept my fate? or abandon it? and ive got to take into account on what conditions i entered the group and accepted the responsibility.

living in a group demands so much from someone that there is not the same space for individual digressions. to figure that out is one thing, but then to act on it or actualize it in your living is a whole different story.

i linger on the concept idea of home because home means so much to me. it gives me the link between where i am and where i was and functions as the fulcrum of where im going - physically and mentally.

i guess i linger home too cause im a bit sick of here and cant wait to be somewhere else right now - and it might not even be india but here, right here this place. and so my head is in a place or places that are comfortable to me.

in people its the connection between, yeah people travel sure hell they must at times and so its the bond between us that space that exists in emails or letters phone calls and memories of physical contact that home or that dimension of home exists. and so it is a fantastically impermament thing that i love about people and about home that is not permanent now - it will be at some point for me - im a cancer - sense of space dominates my head - to be comfy or ok in a space is so fucking essential for my whole being that if im not physically comfortable then there is a serious problem and i must move till i find space that comforts me or is comfortable to be in.

its been raining here and i fucking love it.

demetrius

ive been reading a range of stuff - lets see -

samskara, the sacred thread, 7 science fiction/fantasy novels, civil wars by june jordan, on violence by hanna arendt, the 9/11 commission report, a focault reader, a reader about sex in india, three books on prostitution in india, mary daly, the illigetimacy of nationalism by ashis nandy, timeless simplicity by john lane, a bunch of works by this indian press: kali for women, reports about the world tribunal on crimes against women, dozens of essays about caste, class, tribal society, gender, development, india's economic policys, new acts being intro'd into the parliment, a book on gandhi -- i think thats most of it, but im sure i forgot something in there that i wanted to include.

yeah its alot but thats one of the ways i pass the time here - the other students mostly pass it by sleeping, watching movies, drinking smoking, and whining; i pass it by working - im being way to simplistic and overcritical and superior but they started drinking today at noon and we've got a 15 pg paper due in 9 days and its not a normal bullshit paper its a research paper - i mean whatever - ive got to accept folk as they are right? right. but its hard for me to deal and when in the context of group identity not individual identity the effects of them effects me and its like - wtf? i dont want to be isolated, i dont want to be on the outside and i will hear your criticisms of me about my attitudes toward you but when you do jack shit all day - and you still ask me to be all sorts happy crappy - and then you fucking whine about being bored?! i want to punch you upside the head, not really, but verbally. and not even that actually, i just want to know why people spend their time sitting around - maybe i should just ask - and i need to state that this is not all of the students just about half.


yeah yeah max max from montclair, she is rad, and hot and all sorts of interesting...ahem...yeah...um...i mean...we have a month in ghana...yeah...

i dont know if jersey outside of the diners, the highways the coffee shops the friends' hearts or certain restuarants will ever feel like home again - i think i lost home awhile ago - and im kind of sad for it. but ive got a backpack, an email account, and a memory filled with faces that i love so i can make new homes the world over.

excitement

demetrius

oh oh ghana - ghana will be from june 15th to july 15th and as of now its mike, glenn, renee, me, max, and chris lewer. it is far from nj and home or nyc and home but its so close too, cause one of the things i continue to learn and be exposed to is that fact that everywhere i go, people are just people, just like you and me, so its a home away from home in every strangers smile, every new contacts hand shake and every new night under the same stars.

ai

demetrius

RAR!!!

the amount of time on the box is a strong indicator of how much i really fucking have issues with this place. i mean my final paper project shit storm is fancy fine - placing sex workers with a focus on autonomous self organized sex workers in the landscape of indian sexuality, or at least trying to figure out what drves the mojo of these people - i mean its more about space and how we use our bodies to communicate more accurately and intimately than words - and what the ways a person or a group uses thier bodies to communicate says about them - what does the fact that indian men are so much more touchy feely than american men mean? what does it mean about the culture not taken in comparison? The same holds for indian women too. and what about the incredibly high level of domestic violence here - like 75% (see footnote) - what does that say about a people? that they use thier bodies in such acts of intimate violence?

do all people have these thoughts or ideas? are there a million undiscovered worlds inside peoples heads that are waiting to burst forth?

do we all actively hide them? or are they being actively suppressed? what do we need to liberate our thoughts?

is freedom an ends & means in & of itself?

joe - save me

yumiko is a student here - we have always been friends of a sort and she walks the finest edge between all of us. the perfect little japanese diplomat.

For fuck's sake, LET ME BE YOUR ENABLER!

no one knows what they are doing next year. its part of the fun. oh shit. I graduate and then what the fuck do i do? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...or something along those lines. i think i figured out my broad goal to be langauge learning of some sort - first up: spanish & mandarin so its china or south/central america.

yeah, india and good cups of coffee dont fucking click - this powdered shit is killing me i cannot wait to drink some good f-in java in europe and then the jerz. that sounds fun in seattle give my love to those who you think id like to share it with and make sure to give tons and tons.

yeah school is an f-in joke as my friend mcat will tell you, draw out the 'm' when you saw her name tis fun.

yeahyeah procrastination beats the shit out sleep.

ai
demetrius

so think internet cafe, iway, on the basement level of a shopping mall esque establishment in india, on brigade road(ithink) bangalore in the busiest, most western section of the city, yumiko and i are doctor, net cafe, coffee shop hopping cause we hate the ashram and ourselves, kind of. at least we fucking hate being stuck in rural india and then told what we can and cannot do, seriously, do i look or act like a child? yeah, no, fuck you george.

i just ate at some dirty fucking indian joint, maybe ill catch some nasty ass disease and puke for days, it'd be away to pass some of the time, time which now seems to be rotting, this whole independent study thing is new and challenge and its like fuck ive got a paper due on this day and all this time to do it, what the fuck am i going to do?

oh man, the net cafe just started bumping, and now stopped, shitty ass music - like last nights cover band IT kids coffee shop bullshit music thing i checked out. this whole country lacks the amazingness of western subcultures - aint no punk rock, enmo, artsy fuck, aint no teeny boppin activists or clean cut preppy jock kids, aint no thrift stores or dive bars or coffee bars to sleep in. just some crazing fucking culture i dont fit in - hell im finding tons of it disgusting.

yeah yeah yeah caste caste caste class class class gender gender gender - all those fucking exists as systems of oppression and control some to greater extents than others but its the interplay of space here that seems to hold sway. rural india is a whole different planet with pockets of ngo culture that are totally different and hypocritical, im talking bonded labourers at the place I live, im talking beating a dog with a stick and then threatening a staff member with it.

im talking rajeesh telling me he is a poor man, but not poor in his heart

oh shit the mission impossible theme song!!!

i think my final will have to do with the how rural and urban india sexual habits collide in sex workers, not actually in them(cause then Id have to pay) but in the space they inhabit within the broad spectrum of indian sexiness. this requires, thankfully, a good amount of first hand experience to be able to really understand what isnt said in books & journals. im excited and im really looking forward to asking people all sorts of uncomfortable questions.


ai
d