You'd like a bit of color? Just think about stinking piles of shit lying on the streets and people urinating on almost every wall available. You could also think about the bruises, nearly indistinguishable, on the dark skinned women here - most indian men beat their wives daily - the others finding yelling at them enough of an affirment to their fragile masculinity.

I eat three meals a day with my right hand and wipe my ass with my left hand and a mug of water. The women who cook those three meals and wash the toilets here sleep in rooms with 5 other people a bit smaller than our kitchen in Deerhaven. That room is the sole room in their house. And by house I mean mud and coconut branch hut.

India and Pakistan are playing a series of cricket matches as the devout Hindus celebrate Holi. The United States goverment resumes the sale of F-16 fighters to Pakistan.

I killed 5 mosquitos while writing this email and listened to the rats scamper around the rafters above and knock over plates in the kitchen below.

with love, as always,
Demetrius

gah!

gah...

india

gah blows my fucking mind on a daily basis - especially when the villagers think that its ok to throw green powder on me - no wait, i mean when they think its ok to smear green powder all over my person, yeah and then they thought dousing me in colored water would be an acceptable follow up.

what the fuck?

or when you are told the whole time that sexuality is taboo in india and that there is no casual sex, no premarital whopee or no out of wedlock getting it on and then this group of indians show up at the ashram you are living at with bottles of beer and wine and one of them is drop dead gorgeous with a light purple sash, over thin cotton pants, tied around her hips and bleached blond roots of dark brown hair, and a tattoo and you think fuck - or more accurately you start drooling cause you havent touched anything warm and responsive to caress in two months - and then it turns out that there is casual sex and you get to watch the sun rise after an evening of brown meets white.

the fuck indeed.

things are going well here, the third paper is done and then the independent study gets bumping which means that i can do whatever the fuck i want for two weeks; research sex workers and thier autonomous organizations fighting for rights, livelihood, and self respect. or i can spend it with wendy as we explore the boundaries of non verbal cross cultural communication.

ok kid - my head is about to roll. id better go drink some tea.

shaking those pom poms
demetrius

Things like this actually happen? What?

Indian women are active and open about thier sexuality and addressing their needs? How fabulous - how fabulous that I got to conduct a social experiment in that area.

But it is not just an experiment but an adventure, a mutual one at that, in which we both participated actively. And she did not bug out! I was honest with everything and she didnt flip - not even a bit. She was comforting, amazing, and engaging. And so intune - read me like a book. A fucking children's book. Forward to boot.

I feel a bit sad for not being able to deliver - as i would of liked to be - but i cant put more value in an orgasm or two than preventing the spread of disease - BAM - RESPONSIBILITY. yay for me. Im happy and phsyically smiling.

the morning after was awkward, as usual, but less so, yay. I think im getting better at handling that. yay. Yay for Yay! smiles. Better late than never.

and Im still curious about her and her interests and would like to see the parts of town she has to show and the parts of her she has to share. yay! and to send postcards. yay! and im happy as things are. to cultivate friends internationally, to build that network world wide of people who engage and interest you.

QUESTIONS ASKED AND ANSWERED!

she held down - i hope i did - interestingly enoughher clit was tiny, responsive, but tiny and her skin so sensitive and just her size, so small, i could wrap most of her in my torso area. kind of cool and laden with potential - to the dermatologist we go! yippie!

can i solve the problem in a month? and then convince her of it? I hope so, or at least get an answer for myself.

all these modern cats speaking only english. wierd, yah?

enough.

So, Auroville - intentional community populated with people from 46 different nations and thousands of varieties of insects, spiders, snakes and other wonderful creepy crawlers that thrive in the sweltering heat. as a center peice there was a gigantic golden sphere with reflective panels accompanied by somewhat of an omnipotent banyan tree and a stout pillar containing soil from those 46 nations represented by the residents. inside the Matrimandir (think enormous golden golf ball), is a carpeted room with 8 columns encircling a crystal ball about the size of a large snowman's bottom. Everything in the room was pure white sans the crystal ball. The cult overtones were no longer vieled as I couldnt help but picture someone walking around offering small cups of kool aid. yum.

Outside Matrimandir, past the banyan tree was a stone bench next to a stone table both of polished grey granite. Seated on the bench was an unassumingly beautiful Australian boy named Alex whom Kathrin was talking to. I was introduced to him and his work partner: Susmehta; they were sampling grey water systems in Auroville. That was seven days ago, he left for the north of India today, and then to Europe.

I havent been this sad in months. And it actually feels like sadness. Not sad anger, or sad jealousy, or sad guilt or even sad dissapointment but a sense of longing for what is no longer.

Now I feel amazing. It is these moments, a direct appeal for your participation or a brief physical & mental kismet, that give me the hope I crave.

All I can offer from here is a hug composed purely of warm strong thoughts, soft reassuring intent, and cool embracing solace. Know that you are not alone as you may feel. And please do not destroy the possibility of a hug upon my return or the shared bliss of a yoga weekend at Kripalu.

hugs tree climbing and kite flying from afar
demetrius

gah, what the fuck

back and forth back and forth here we go again,

i think im going to bed.

hearts to all the people who will smile at me. and share the same space with me.
hearts to all the folk who will hold my hand, be it a mason from tamil nadu or a boy from buffalo.
hearts to those who can talk and share and be honest blunt and open minded.

fists to those who cant deal
fists to those who hide behind others
fists to those who cant or wont talk.

hugs to myself cause i need em the most

hugs to you too cause i know you are out there.



its awful late.
i think im going to bed.

ai
demetrius

hot sun red dirt soft sand little ants
morning hiding behind rising clouds
waves crashing into headstands
surfers floating swimmers bobbing
dogs barking birds flapping

the sheet spread by but rests, tired
but awakened by words and bicycles
the beautiful two wheel sustainble kind
and i dream of all mornings to begin like this
warmly grey and a misty silence

moving by at the speed of bicycle
so i can see most everything

fuck fuckity fuck

lost the lot on the box because of an ictchy backspace finger.

i think im going to cut this short then cause ive got a 3 klom walk back to the guest house.

it doesnt get any easier at all to deal with. there are more challenges and more contradictions in my head daily but i see them illuminated with more light and more clarity and my options make more sense than they have in the past.

people are coming forward and backwards with this and im like gah - i get the itty bitty thoughts of why me? and then, ie right now, i think Fuck yeah! im so happy this is happening to me.

when learning about auroville from whim yesterday it was like woah - i want to live in a community - ive never had that thought before - ive never had the want to give up a shot of my individuality to live in a community before - to understand what that means.

being at auroville; observing and questioning all that is going on - and then being at fireflies{home} and looking around at the 9 people that make up my daily community, my daily life, my daily circle - i was like fuck! this is my community right now - all the time ive though, yeah the mahwah community, the ramapo community, etc etc etc...i never really before looked at it - it helps cause this is smaller - no.

its not that i never looked - its that i never saw. seeing is so different than looking and even observing which is different than both. i never saw it. and now, yesterday morning, i saw it for the first time. i saw the community i was living in. and it blew my mind.

then i became aware of the community as the catalyst for this growth i am doing and was like fuck - i need community - my need then became a want - i want community. being aware of the pain that i am sifting through the challenges that sit infront of me and how they take shape and yeah how there is a need to lose some of the self - to give up wide swaths of that identity which is I. and understand and embrace the identity, the needs, the reality, that is we.

ai
demetrius

kate, right now im fluctuating in and out of needing someone to tell me they miss me, or just needing someone so bad, so i hear where, or part of where you are coming from.

the loss of the newness often destroys me as well when it comes to people. the first time someone exposes their humanity to me, their failings, their boring spots, i end up reacting so shittily sometimes that i just say fuck it and turn myself off in my heart.

but doing that kills relations that are real and not filled with that fake bliss bullshit we all are taught to believe and desire and expect. its the expections that kill.

punching your comp? hm, somebody better go for a walk, maybe sit quietly with nothing around and just listen to your breathing for a few minutes(3 to start, then progress to 5, 8, and 10 slowly) try doing something creative(dont tell me you arent creative, thats bullshit and you know it) learning a song to sing, drawing a picture, painting some colors, collaging, sewing, knitting, maybe taking the time to read a book for pleasure(one that challenges or relaxes you, but not one that eases you into the fucked up mindset our society puts out there) so in other words try to calm down a spot.

talk about the bullshit thats stressing you, but also talk about the good things that happen during the day. to find those good things take 5 minutes and think about your day - the bad stuff crops up immediately, but the good stuff is there, you've only got to find it. i did this the other day when i was beating myself up mentally and discovered over a dozen awesome things that had happened that day and then i was like wow, this day was pretty awesome.

i saw the pictures renee put up, wonderful, it was so nice to a picture of you, especially one where you were drinking a cup of coffee bigger than yer head. it was so fantastic. i heart renee for using pictures as much as words. i heart you for being in those pictures.

you want details from me? fuck girl that is asking alot.

im up to my ass doing work for the ghana delegation, we just finished the 2nd course paper here and im like woooooooooot! we leave for pondicherry, the east coast of india(state of tamil nadu(go look on a map and find it so you know where i am)) at 430am tomorrow - 8 hr drive etc etc etc, but its going to be an adventure and im addicted to adventure.

emily has turned out to be one of my favourites on the trip - aside from the fact that is freaking out hardcore - she is good to talk to, has awesome potential and is pleasantly - and shows serious and intuitive concern about folk at times. so many hearts her way.

are you ready for it?

hope so.

i have no issues holding people to the same standards i hold myself too, because they are the right (put that in italics) standards.

this in itself is no problem(total lie) - the problem occurs when people dont comply to my standards(without even knowing im judging(put judging in italics too) them) i then judge them and run around with thoughts of being superior in my head and i think other people suck and are in no way up to my standards.

or i relate to people as my superiors, which puts me at the inferior level, ever trying to best the superiors - this is a competitive mindset. unsustainble to boot.

whats worse is that i judge people based on assumptions about their actions - assumptions about what is the full extent of their action(s), why they are acting, and what they are thinking about when doing that - not only do i relate to people superiorly, but i then presume to know what they are thinking - that i think is insane - my head cannot hold all this -

i fucking assume that people think and act like me, so i can then hold them to my standards - duh you fucking shit, people are not like you.

so then, now that ive elevated myself to superior being, and presume to think i can read minds, i then judge/continue to judge people - more often than not i judge negatively, with negative judgements i put myself in a bad mood, cause im thinking - why cant people just be like me?

that is the base here - why cant people just be like me?

it is so hard for me to not care. to not give a fuck(because, dont forget 'my way is the right way'). but i cannot, and i cant express how i feel in ways that are not condescending, pretenious and horribly judgemental. i lack those communications skills most of the time. mostly because what i want to communicate are feelings of judgement, negativity, and superiority.

but i have and i know that i can communicate hugs and agreement and humility and openess and take criticism, this i can do, ive done it and i want to do it more.

this leaves me often in a shitty fucking mood. and working overly hard to combat it and to think about people in non-condescedning, non-superior/inferior, non-judgemental way. i dont want to hear that 'at least you've identified it and are working on it' im only working on it because it fucking sucks to relate to people like this and to be pissy all the time(most of the time im not pissy, im forcing myself to understand and relate differently) which is hard. fuck. im pissy cause i have to think three or four times over everything till i come out with something that aint me being a fucking judgemental asshole - and i dont even do it with everything.

fuck kate, sometimes i want people to 'just be like me' - it would be so much easier - make so much more sense

and when i think im doing good, making progress learning to relate to folk wonderfully and in different ways one fucking thing sends me back to this angry unsustainable boy mood.

i like be alone because then i dont know what others are doing and the world consists only of me. just me, and no one else. that is so fucking nice. or better yet i like to know people just for small limited interactions so that there is no possibility of breaking boundaries that bind our interactions - but then i want to break those boundaries and take things out and i want that person to break those boundaries and i want to know folk deeply and in new ways and for eons

i really tend to think that this mindset is unbeatable, unbearable and i dont know if im going to make it through, if im ever going to learn to relate differently for a sustained period of time. or if it'll be constantly me versus y'all - i dont like this and im fucking sick of it and its infinitely compounded by past conflicts which just lurk around.

im seconds from smashing my fist on this screen.

i want it to be over and done with soo bad. so things can just be ok - but its not going to happen in simple slow swoops. its going to quite consistently be uphill pushing boulders and fending off the past, followed quickly by falling four hours in seconds and not knowing why and not being able to cope or deal or talk about and want nothing more than just forget it.

but the way it boils, i dont think ill ever forget it or get over it. i need new role models, new people to learn from and be inspired by.

i would kill to rub your tummy right now

i want to sleep and cry and escape. but i cant cry and i cant sleep, so im just going to escape - worry not, its only into books. but a fucking bottle would be so much easier - and there is the motherfucking danger if i dont deal with this, my escapism will become hugely destructive

fuck. FUCK.

BAM - REALIZATION LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT

WHY?

why, because fuck is negative and it cant all be negative. i know it cant, and i know - nothing - i know that fuck is not the end, that tomorrow the sun will rise and the ants will comeback to my room and ill be itchy and john will be aloof. tomorrow will come, not as an excuse to beat the shit out of myself, but as an understanding that it is never easy, neverending and there is always the chance to get better. always.

goddamn.

i dont even know anymore.

d

just...

do i always start with its funny? do i say its funny cause i dont understand and laugh a little bit to ease the discomfort? or is it really humourous?

so, its funny(or is it) how my mood flip flops like a dead fish cause of one thing. a silly piece of paper which people are demanding things i think arent a necessity. i mean, cmon fuckers, you cant always get what you want. but wait a second - i think wants are of great value and importance to advance us as a people. so then how do i understand my dissmissal of the groups wants - unecessary - are they? id say so. but then cant i use that or someone use that to dismiss all want as uneccessary, where does my intersection of want and necessity meet? how far does each go and are the wants that are ok, only my wants?

but, is this more so the case of me deciding that it was ok for everyone else to sign the sheet, but not me because i felt i didnt want to. or i didnt feel it was necessary or i choose to continue to hold myself apart from the others based on simple differences. is it really all that important to not support those demands? and to question the method by which they have been deliverd to everyone? has the message been effectively delivered to everyone? ive got doubts. and why? what are the reasons behind this? and what reasons do i deem ok?

aside from the questions - wow, my mind operates in such a strong negative positive, extreme on both ends way that my language patterns are strongly influenced by it - icky icky sticky - so emily shocked me last night, she came up to me and was like, hey listen dont feel pressured by the petition, i understand if you dont want to sign. amazing! this sense of awareness and understanding that exists within someone whom i keep discovering is filled with all sorts of nooks and crannys of interesting awesome ness.

ok im getting off the box soon.

i love people who dont tie their shoe laces.

anarchists using blogs? what? http://www.bombsandshields.blogspot.com/

ai
d

do i always start with its funny? do i say its funny cause i dont understand and laugh a little bit to ease the discomfort? or is it really humourous?

so, its funny(or is it) how my mood flip flops like a dead fish cause of one thing. a silly piece of paper which people are demanding things i think arent a necessity. i mean, cmon fuckers, you cant always get what you want. but wait a second - i think wants are of great value and importance to advance us as a people. so then how do i understand my dissmissal of the groups wants - unecessary - are they? id say so. but then cant i use that or someone use that to dismiss all want as uneccessary, where does my intersection of want and necessity meet? how far does each go and are the wants that are ok, only my wants?

but, is this more so the case of me deciding that it was ok for everyone else to sign the sheet, but not me because i felt i didnt want to. or i didnt feel it was necessary or i choose to continue to hold myself apart from the others based on simple differences. is it really all that important to not support those demands? and to question the method by which they have been deliverd to everyone? has the message been effectively delivered to everyone? ive got doubts. and why? what are the reasons behind this? and what reasons do i deem ok?

aside from the questions - wow, my mind operates in such a strong negative positive, extreme on both ends way that my language patterns are strongly influenced by it - icky icky sticky - so emily shocked me last night, she came up to me and was like, hey listen dont feel pressured by the petition, i understand if you dont want to sign. amazing! this sense of awareness and understanding that exists within someone whom i keep discovering is filled with all sorts of nooks and crannys of interesting awesome ness.

ok im getting off the box soon.

i love people who dont tie their shoe laces.

anarchists using blogs? what? http://www.bombsandshields.blogspot.com/

ai
d

love.

the kind you only find in computer labs, late at night, after all the lights have gone out and you are looking for something you just cant find.

it is this love i give to you.

quotes of late -

because he is muslim - trent

i kinda of want to be part of it. - yumiko

selections from my ghana profile:

2005 Youth Delegation to Ghana
Bergen Action Network

Team Member Profile

Name: Demetrius Marcoulides

Age: 21

School: Ramapo College of New Jersey

Year: Senior

Major: Political Science

Grade Point Average (optional): 3.1

Employment: Unemployed

Out of school activities: Bergen Action Network (BAN)

In School activities: Ramapo Community Organizing for Radical Empowerment (RCORE), Alternative Spring Break, Fast for Hunger & Homelessness.

Activist and/or volunteer experience: For the past three years I have worked with the Bergen Action Network, a multi-issue non-hierarchal consensus based organization that works to highlight the effects of global problems on local youth. I have also worked with United Students for Fair Trade to help craft their mission statement, values, and accountability structure. For a week in Spring 2004 I volunteered with Mountain Housing Opportunities, based in Asheville, NC, through Ramapo College.

Why do you want to be a member of Bergen Action Network's 2005 Youth Delegation? To develop a relationship with the people of Ghana that is based on mutual exchange and friendship. And to help support the Fair Trade farmers of Kuapa Kokoo and to expose myself to what mysteries Ghana has to offer.

What experiences have you had with Fair Trade and development issues? In Spring 2004 I was one of the main organizers behind the successful campaign to convert Ramapo College’s coffee to Fair Trade certified. In August 2004, I spent 10 days in Nicaragua meeting with various Fair Trade Co-ops and farmers. And currently I am studying development in the Indian state of Karnataka.

Do you have experience volunteering abroad? Yes, I spent ten days in Nicaragua working with Fair Trade Co-op farmers. I am currently living on a farm in southern India and working on sustainability projects.

Of the stated aims of the 2005 Delegation, which do you feel is most important?
Physically and immediately is the AIDS/HIV education but building a relationship with Kuapa Kokoo farmers is what will help us to break the trap of maldevelopment.

What experiences have you had dealing with HIV or AIDS? I have no direct personal experience.

What do you expect to gain from participating in the 2005 Ghana delegation? Knowledge, experience, a renewed passion, friendships, questions and the tempered pleasure that comes from making solid strides towards a more equitable world.

What do you feel is currently the most pressing global problem and how do you feel this delegation will address it? Aside from aggressive nation states playing at empire and a system of economic organization that seems to delight in exploitation. The AIDS/HIV pandemic, with the UN now predicting an additional 90 million people to be infected by 2025, decisive action must be taken now.

What unique qualities do you feel you will bring to the 2005 Delegation Team? Aside from development work experience in India and Nicaragua, I have additional travel experience in the developing nations of South Africa and China. Conviviality, genuine gregariousness and a strong work ethic mingled with a critical yet constructive eye towards myself, the activities I engage in and others around me.

What career plans do you have for the future? Street performer, professor, writer, adventurer, development worker, lawyer, restauranter. Mayhaps an organic farmer or professional rabble rouser.

writing a paper while a praying mantis slowly approaches from my left is disconcerting. thinking about development and writing honestly accurately and in a style that is engaging is frustrating. thinking about the groupd dynamics simply frustrates me more. I think that im not going to think about it and make attempts to engage people who I have not bee engaging with of late. better late than never, and what have I to lose from trying, nothing I haven’t already lost.

it might of just been that word - rekindle - the images of warm flames
licking at logs and watching the sparks float away into the cool night
sky; that got me to reply.


*non-stop thinking about the ISE*

non-stop

im dreaming of washing dishes there. literally dreaming of it.

fuck.

oh and it might only be a fungal infection.

sigh

ai

demetrius