trying to get back into the one a day posting, or at least 5 times a week regular updates because I want to be writing more and this has always been a tool to encourage that. oh but all this newness, all this starting. there really feels like a limited amount of energy that ive got for starting new projects and this week already has a move in it and am already gonna try and walk/bike intentionally for a half hour a day starting tomorrow. garh. but, its ok cause there is always time as long as we keep moving and dont stall.

stalling.

drinking white wine, thats like stalling. i cant really believe that i am living right now, and right here. it seems surreal. like the only place ive ever lived is nj and the only home ill ever have is 158 deerhaven. i really think ive got to stop moving and settle cause the 3 month urge hits me so hard everytime that its really debillating as far as creating relationships, job security and savings accounts go. and i dont really worry about savings accounts, promise, but its there. its a silver thread, as my dad says and he's trying to cut while im trying not to plant them. but, my new place has windows. windows mean window boxes!

windowboxes should be called wonderboxes cause i can have flowers and herbs just outside my window. maybe even little veggies. who knows! buts its marvelous and yummy.

sigh, boxes.

rain rain rain

please come and stay. give your water to the ground. moisten gray dull surfaces in this city. brighten ignored colors hiding around each corner. accentuate noises running through this city.

splash drop plop plink gush.

i enjoy rainy days, they get me walking thinking pondering wondering. they even get me doing, which is sometimes quite the feat. feat, feet, my feet are cold. cold house, empty house, loud cat, tension poop vomit piss litter box laundry and annoying phone calls. stress, mess, not what I need. clean, warm homey love, attention care, soft. longing replaced by having. knowing confidence, trust fear and hope. the basics. life. built on building blocks of food, love, nature and family. maybe, maybe, maybe.

outside.

christmas is approaching. two years in a row without the family. two years in a row with new faces, new friends, new strangers in new places. new jobs. new bikes, new roads to learn, new foods to enjoy. new things to learn. new families to become a part of. new pathways to meander down while whistling and staring at the beautiful sky around me. new moons and new constellations. new routines. all this newness.

and a lot of the same too, but not too much. It feels better. I feel like im improving from where I was, i feel closer to where i wanted to be and where i want to be. learning about what i wanted to know about, doing what i wanted/want to be doing. enjoying my time without feeling pressured. and thats interesting cause in this article i just read there is mention of how white folk hide behind their skin color to ignore obligation or responsibility, which i feel like im doing. and how it, white privilege, prevents us from experiencing things, so she was saying its not white privilege, but more like white prohibition. so i feel like im missing out on being part of "the struggle" and feeling disconnected from the larger social justice movement in the us which is weird cause ive done a bunch and know a bunch but am not right now taking super active part in it all. just some hours volunteering and buying local, etc.

its sunday. ive gotta go make food.

december grows like a night blooming winter flower. shimmering and beautiful for a few hours daily it then closes up and demands retreat into the arms of lovers, big old couches next to fire pits or kitchen tables located near ovens that are roasting winter veggies for the next meal.

this is abbreviated for how i am feeling lately but i dont have time right now to share everything that is going on. soon, i promise.

love

nj mixes so well with bourbon and snow