i should just tell her to leave me alone. because thats what i want right now, but i dont think ive got the guts to just write an email saying that.

instead ill have to beat around the bush and block her email address and just hope for the best. but doing that wouldnt solve anything. so, im going to be honest, as honest as i can and not think of the negatives about this or not label them as such and just identify the range of feelings so that i can continue on.

sick. have been so for more days than id like to remember, but ive ramped up the attack on the disease, garlic, c, e, and other vitamins along with hours of sleep and no strenous activity. along with frequent showers, hand and face washing. gah. this is annoying and challenging.

we will see what tomorrow brings

ai
demetrius

yo!

oh man

so, a few short words about the past 11 days:

ahem, ahem...

tears, tribal villagers, trees for the dead, mediatating while walking the earth, alone but surrounded, power spots atop towers, yoga at 7am, prince, villagers, villagers giving us food, amazing food, sharing their hearts and minds with us, laughing and crying, smiling, children singing songs, me singing back, laughing sharing things without language and wishing i could take them all home to nj and mom and give them what we had.

a new language: kanada, a local language blissfully easy to learn, so far and fun too. uta is food, just for example. writing and reading, letters and emails, lectures and essays about hinduism caste system class oppression socialist feminism, hours in the hot sun, getting burnt and loving it, wandering over semi arid landscapes and looking at the work done by people to reclaim their land from the desert to maintain thier lively hoods and existence.

pride, i never see it till someone points it out to me, but wow, what a fucking one two combination, pride and humility, eating off leaves with my hands and chewing on leaves to aid digestion, shaking with the right and wiggling my head back and forth to show pleasure.

pollution, hugely polluted cities, stone throwing angry hindu fundamentalists, ducking behind bus seats and hoping for the best, feeling powerless and loving/hating it.

this is just the first 11 days, ive got three months left.

love
demetrius

towers without walls and radiating with power, gardens rows of life and crunchy delicious green. granite, hard rock, carving, carved into images of power. bamboo poles 3 and half feet long, hollow and that hum when spun through the air.

discovery of space, sweet space, painful space atop those towers and in these gardens, near the basil, and under the pink rising sun.


anger. at the world back home and how it clings like a leech sucking and sucking and not letting go, ignoring the buring or the cutting or the attempts at gentle seperation and just hanging on.

but i breathe and try to no create conflict in this world and laugh at the tendrils that home throws out at me and i just let my thoughts be carried away on the warm or the dogs sloppy tongue or in the retroflex consonants of kanada.(local language)

id say i miss you, but i dont. i remember you alot and enjoy those moments of remembrance as im running up a hill wearing a lungi tied at my waist and dashing among hot rocks scattering monkeys, lizards and snakes. looking for shiva, knowing he sits atop the world, atop this hill. so i reach the top. i breathe, and lay down on a sun drenched rock watching the clouds aid in the closing of the day and how rays of light cut through the sky trying to gain more attention as he fades, i turn my head looking up and left and see the moon, just over half full risen, sitting patiently in the sky, a clear sky, no clouds around and just waiting for her time to shine and bask this town, this temple, and this time in its magnificent reflected light.

of course i cannot wait for such things and dash back down the mountain to the van and rush off to an afterschool program(balkendra) for village children where we all dance in a furry of english and kanada, they sing for us and we sing for them(the american side presented a few cartoon themes, a radical cheer, and a song from rent).

life is so ineffably wonderful that im going to lounge in the sun and read write and dream the rest of this free day away.

demetrius

there are fireflies. india. my head/brain/thoughts/feelings all new and open right now.

old patterns haunt and stick like glue out of fear

tears anger fear joy excitement energy soft silence and slow movement tantalizing local organic food tribes ceremony ritual tree planting consecration imagination emotion self imposed isolation notes sunshine sunshine sunshine

this is day 2, this is only the second day; i keep saying that to myself like it will help me understand things better.

everyday for the next 99 days and the intensity will not dissipate but swell.

im writing.

i feel ignited.

demetrius

im alive.

ha FUCK THAT.

i am so much better than alive, rip roaring and breathing in deep breathes of jungle air in india.

fireflies ashram. this is my home for the next 99 days.

wonderful.

demetrius

we are in flux.

flux like planes that depart for india in under 6 hours
like love that blossoms and grows a fire fed too fast and burning too quickly
like coals, old coals, just radiating slight warmth, pleasant to touch but then reignited by the presence of nearby heat.

flux.

this is the first time that leaving anyplace has been hard - no, leaving the ise was hard - this is the first time that leaving home was hard, is hard.

flux.

some months in india, maybe china? fuck, maybe bhutan. dreaming of tashi's banjo. dreaming. dreaming with packed bags and a full heart. an empty belly but inspired soul.

dont leave home with out your knitting needles or pen & paper.
keep the figs and chocolate secret
for beautiful strangers

demetrius

we are in flux.

flux like planes that depart for india in under 6 hours
like love that blossoms and grows a fire fed too fast and burning too quickly
like coals, old coals, just radiating slight warmth, pleasant to touch but then reignited by the presence of nearby heat.

flux.

this is the first time that leaving anyplace has been hard - no, leaving the ise was hard - this is the first time that leaving home was hard, is hard.

flux.

some months in india, maybe china? fuck, maybe bhutan. dreaming of tashi's banjo. dreaming. dreaming with packed bags and a full heart. an empty belly but inspired soul.

dont leave home with out your knitting needles or pen & paper.
keep the figs and chocolate secret
for beautiful strangers

demetrius

Europa Hermanas y Hermanos!

Over a year has passed since concluding our travels together and now I am
readying myself for another journey. Destination: India. Date of departure:
January 10th. Another mail will be forthcoming with explicit details but right
now I'd like the mailing addresses of those who desire a postcard or two from
me while I'm there. And phone numbers because I seem to have lost those as
well.

Abrazos a todos, Demetrius