yeah - so if you have a chance - can you take me from this earth and free my soul? can you lift me up? heal my wounds and recreate me whole? or can you just offer temporary release from reality? can you offer me just moments of fleeting pleasure in a world of pain and frustration? can you be my light? can you be my savior and my salvation? can you be what i need? and would you want to? please?

my problem is not starting but carrying through with an idea, for i have many of them and wish to explore all them until each are beautiful and grown and flower like an azelea.

and what? do i be honest with her about what could be the most painful thing ever? one she is probably painfully aware of? or do i shove it behind clouds of other reasons there was no progession to intimacy? is her appearance really such a roadblock? yes and no. yes because i was socialized to desire what i desire, no because if there is beauty underneath why worry about the appearance above? because others will. because i need to be comfortable with anyone i would spent intimate time with.

is she just making me feel bad and thus making me reconsider why i have chosen to not push into this any farther? in a sense yes, but i totally initiated contact and conversation and have helped to further it. that should not make me feel obligated to do anything. i am however attracted to her mind, without question really. and want to know her better in that sense.

she said that there are parts of her i will never know and that she hesitates to tell because she does not want to scare me off. legitamate, there are things i would tell no one about my past, things i am not proud of at all. we all have our secrets. i hesitate not to use words with those negative connotations. for they are totally appropiate.

this is a situation, delicate and tender that i am not ready to advance upon.

and fuck there is tons of other reality that crops up right now as well. im going to have to cancel with jenai for tonight because of guilt and hmwk obligations. the only work that must be done is flyer making. and that can be embarked upon individually.

aye so we've been vindicated

whoopty shit

we still failed

the invasion happened the war is raging, shit is kicking up in iraq like nobody's business and we get out goddamn vindication in an eloquent editorial a year later.

i feel like a peice of shit. i feel so strongly that i did not work hard enough, that i did not put enough effort in. that i did not start enough conversations, that i did not scream loud enough, that i should of done more cd done any da, organized more demos, more teachins more video showings, more call ins, more faxes, more letters, more anything.

i dont want to say that i know that no matter how much effort i put in that there would of been no way i could of stopped it even with the help of people world wide. i dont want to strip myself of that power, because i have that power, we have that power, the power to stop things to start things to reverse the course of the engines of destruction before they hit the forest and waterfall.

and now the question:

DO WE?

well...maybe, i hope so, my heart screams yes, but my mind screams no, and i refuse to resign myself to defeat. i refuse. i cannot live in a world where people do not matter because we do, i do and you do and we all do. there is no giving up.
the future is as yet unwritten and we will write it in beautiful colors with broad strokes of precision passion creation steaming hot plates of vegetables and tofu with crunchy side salads and soft cookies and tall cold glasses of soy milk.
my hands can write my lips can breathe my mind can think my eyes can see and my heart can feel, with that i am physically complete, but without grasping the hands of others, seeing the eyes of friends, devising plans in conjuction with partners, feeding the mouths of beautiful strangers and sharing emotions with fellow creators i am nothing but a hollow shell of life a number in the chain of code a spring in the machine a product on the assembly line but that i am not.
for with each failure comes lessons to learn and mistakes to not make in the future chances of redemption from self hate and possibilities of beauty around every corner and at the crest of each hill.

while vindication may come a year later, success will come only with time and struggle. both things i am willing to commit.
my confusion/anger still rages on burning down everything in its path, myself included.

tonight was a good night. for the first time in awhile i soaked and cooked beans and cooked a meal as well. the time to take care of myself and do perform the semingly menial tasks that made me happy had been pushed off my schedule by other things. RCORE, BAN, school, work, social life all have their place but a balance is achievable. i shall find it and then, hopefully, glide along smoothly.

tonight was also wonderful because i spent it wit wonderful new laughing peoples and got to play scrabble and lose, gracefully, by one point.

life is good,
for me.

I must be at work in 5 and a half hours, I am very tempted to go and sleep in the parking lot of Robeks.

hm.

ai.

d

List of casualties, american, between march 20th 2003 and june 6th 2003.

more to come.

d


Maj. Jay Thomas Aubin, 36, of Waterville, Maine
Capt. Ryan Anthony Beaupre, 30, of Bloomington, Ill.
Cpl. Brian Matthew Kennedy, 25, of Houston, Texas
Staff Sgt. Kendall Damon Watersbey, 29, of Baltimore, Md.
2nd Lt. Therrel S. Childers, 30, Harrison County, Miss.
Lance Cpl. Jose Gutierrez, 22, Los Angeles, Calif.
Navy Lt. Thomas Mullen Adams, 27, of La Mesa, Calif
Army Capt. Christopher Scott Seifert, 27
Sgt. Nicolas M. Hodson, 22, of Smithville, Mo.
Lance Cpl. Eric J. Orlowski, 26, of Buffalo, N.Y.
Army Reserve Spc. Brandon S. Tobler, 19.
1st Lt. Tamara Archuleta, 23, of Los Lunas, N.M.
Staff Sgt. Jason Hicks, 25, of Jefferson, S.C.
Master Sgt. Michael Maltz, 42, of St. Petersburg, Fla.
Senior Airman Jason Plite, 21, of Lansing, Mich.
Lt. Col. John Stein, 39, of Bardolph, Ill.
Staff Sgt. John Teal, 29, of Dallas, Texas
Sgt. Michael E. Bitz, 31, Ventura, Calif.
Lance Cpl. David K. Fribley, 26, Lee, Fla
Cpl. Jose A. Garibay, 21, Orange, Calif
Cpl. Jorge A. Gonzalez, 20, Los Angeles, Calif
Staff Sgt. Phillip A. Jordan, 42, Brazoria, Texas.
2nd Lt. Frederick E. Pokorney Jr., 31, Nye, Nev
Lance Cpl. Thomas J. Slocum, age unknown, Adams, Colo
Lance Cpl. Brian Rory Buesing, 20, Cedar Key, Fla
Cpl. Randal Kent Rosacker, 21, San Diego, Calif
Army Spc. Gregory P. Sanders, 19, of Indiana
Air National Guard Maj. Gregory Stone, 40, of Boise, Idaho
Hospital Corpsman Third Class (Fleet Marine Force) Michael Vann Johnson, Jr., 25, of Little Rock, Ark.
Pfc. Tamario D. Burkett, 21, of Erie, N.Y.
Lance Cpl. Thomas A. Blair, 24, of Wagoner, Okla.
Cpl. Kemaphoom A. Chanawongse, 22, of Waterford, Conn.
Lance Cpl. Donald J. Cline, Jr., 21, of Washoe, Nev.
Pvt. Jonathan L. Gifford, 20, of Macon, Ill.
Pvt. Nolen R. Hutchings, 19, of Boiling Springs, S.C.
Lance Cpl. Patrick R. Nixon, 21, Davidson County, Tenn.
Lance Cpl. Michael J. Williams, 31, Yuma, Ariz.
Marine Major Kevin G. Nave, 36, of Union Lake, Mich
Sgt. Bradley S. Korthaus, 28, of Scott, Iowa.
Capt. Aaron J. Contreras, 31, of Sherwood, Ore
Cpl. Robert M. Rodriguez, 21, of Queens, N.Y
Lance Cpl. Patrick R. Nixon, 21, of Nashville, Tenn.,
Sgt. Jacob L. Butler, 24
Spc. Brandon J. Rowe, 20
Spc. William A. Jeffries, 39
Lance Cpl. Joseph B. Maglione, 22, of Lansdale, Pa
Marine Sgt. Brian D. McGinnis, 23, of St. George, Del
Lance Cpl. Brian E. Anderson, 26, of Durham, N.C.,
Pfc. Christian D. Gurtner, 19, of Ohio City, Ohio
Spc. Donald S. Oaks Jr., 20
Sgt. 1st Class Randall S. Rehn, 36
Sgt. Todd J. Robbins, 33
Master Sgt. George A. Fernandez, 36
Staff Sgt. Nino D. Livaudais, 23,
spc. Ryan P. Long, 21
Capt. Russell B. Rippetoe, 27,
Sgt. George E. Buggs, 31, of Barnwell, S.C.
Master Sgt. Robert J. Dowdy, 38, of Cleveland, Ohio.
Pvt. Ruben Estrella-Soto, 18, of El Paso, Texas.
Spc. James M. Kiehl, 22, of Comfort, Texas.
Chief Warrant Officer Johnny Villareal Mata, 35, of Amarillo, Texas.
Pfc. Lori Ann Piestewa, 23, of Tuba City, Ariz.
Pvt. Brandon U. Sloan, 19, of Cleveland, Ohio.
Sgt. Donald R. Walters, 33, of Kansas City, Mo.
Capt. Benjamin W. Sammis, 29, of Rehobeth, Mass.
Pfc. Chad E. Bales, 20, of Coahoma, Texas
Cpl. Mark A. Evnin, 21, of Burlington, Vt
Cpl. Erik H. Silva, 22, of Chula Vista, Calif
Capt. James F. Adamouski, 29, of Springfield, Va.
Spc. Mathew G. Boule, 22, of Dracut, Mass.
Chief Warrant Officer Erik A. Halvorsen, 40, of Bennington, Vt.
Chief Warrant Officer Scott Jamar, 32, of Granbury, Texas.
Sgt. Michael F. Pedersen, 26, of Flint, Mich.
Chief Warrant Officer Eric A. Smith, 41, of Calif.
Capt. Tristan N. Aitken, 31, of State College, Pa.
Staff Sgt. Wilbert Davis, 40, of Alaska, was
Capt. Edward J. Korn, 31, of Savannah, Ga.,
Pfc. Wilfred D. Bellard, 20, 41st Field Artillery Regiment, Fort Stewart, Ga
Spc. Daniel Francis J. Cunningham, 33,
Pvt. Devon D. Jones, 19, 41st Field Artillery Regiment, Fort Stewart, Ga
Capt. Travis A. Ford, 30, of Ogallala, Neb
Cpl. Bernard G. Gooden, 22, of Mt. Vernon, N.Y.
1st Lt. Brian M. McPhillips, 25, of Pembroke, Mass
Sgt. Duane R. Rios, 25, of Hammond, Ind., who was
Spc. Larry K. Brown, 22, of Jackson
Staff Sgt. Lincoln D. Hollinsaid, 27,
Pfc. Gregory P. Huxley, Jr., 19,
Staff Sgt. Stevon A. Booker, 34
Lance Cpl. Andrew Julian Aviles, 1
Cpl. Jesus Martin Antonio Medellin, 21, of Fort Worth, Texas,
1st Sgt. Edward Smith, 38, of Chicago, Ill., who
2nd Lt. Jeffrey J. Kaylor, 24, of Clifton, Va.,
Pfc. Anthony S. Miller, 19, of San Antonio, Texas,
Pfc. Juan Guadalupe Garza Jr., 20, of Temperance, Mich.,
Spc. George A. Mitchell, 35, of Rawlings, Md.,
Cpl. Henry L. Brown, 22, of Natchez, Miss.,
Pvt. Kelley S. Prewitt, 24, of Alabama,
Staff Sgt. Robert A. Stever, 36,
Pfc. Jason M. Meyer, 23, of Swartz Creek, Mich.
,Sgt. Scott D. Sather, 29, of Clio, Mich., adron, Pope Air Force Base, N.C.
Sgt. Padilla-Ramirez, 26, of San Luis, Ariz
Staff Sgt. Terry W. Hemingway, 39, of Willingboro, N.J.,
Sgt. 1st Class John W. Marshall, 50
Marine Sgt. Brendon C. Reiss Lt. Nathan D. White, 30, of Mesa, Ariz
Gunnery Sgt. Jeffrey E. Bohr, Jr., 39, of Ossian, Iowa,
Cpl. Jesus A. Gonzalez, 22, of Indio, Calif.,
Staff Sgt. Riayan A. Tejeda, 26, of New York, N.Y.,
Pfc. Tamario D. Burkett, 21, of Buffalo, N.Y.
Lance Cpl. Donald J. Cline, Jr., 21, of Sparks, Nev.
Pvt. Nolen R. Hutchings, 19, of Boiling Springs, S.C.
Marine Pvt. Jonathan L. Gifford, 30, of Macon, Ill.,
Spc. Gil Mercado, 25, of Paterson, N.J.,
Killed were Spc. Thomas A. Foley III, 23, of Dresden, Tenn.
Pfc. John E. Brown, 21, of Troy, Ala.
Pfc. Joseph P. Mayek, 20, of Rock Springs, Wyo.,
Marine Lance Cpl. David Edward Owens Jr., 20,
Cpl. Armando Ariel Gonzalez, 25, of Hileah, Fla.,
Spc. Richard A. Goward, 32, of Midland, Mich.
Marine Cpl. Kemaphoom A. Chanawongse, 22, of Waterford, Conn
Cpl. Jason David Mileo, 20 of Centreville, Md.,
Capt. Eric B. Das, 30, of Amarillo, Texas
Cpl. John T. Rivero, 23, of Tampa, Fla
Maj. William R. Watkins III, 37, of Danville, Va.
Capt. Eric B. Das
Chief Warrant Officer Andrew Todd Arnold, 30, of Spring, Texas
Chief Warrant Officer Robert William Channell Jr., 36, of Tuscaloosa, Ala.
Lance Cpl. Alan Dinh Lam, 19, of Snow Camp, N.C.
Army Sgt. Troy David Jenkins, 25
Spc. Roy Russell Buckley, 24, of Portage, Ind
Spc. Narson B. Sullivan, 21, 411th Military Police Company, Fort Hood, Texas, of North Brunswick, N.J.,
1st Lt. Osbaldo Orozco, 26, C Company, 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry Regiment, Fort Hood, Texas, of Delano, Calif.
Spc. Edward J. Anguiano, 24, of Brownsville, Texas
1st Sgt. Joe J. Garza, 43, of Robstown, Te
Pfc. Jesse A. Givens, 34, of Springfield, Mo.,
Sgt. Sean C. Reynolds, 25, of East Lansing, Mich.
Pvt. Jason L. Deibler, 20, of Coeburn, Va.,
Pfc. Marlin T. Rockhold, 23, of Hamilton, Ohio
Chief Warrant Officer Brian K. Van Dusen, 39, of Columbus, Ohio.
Chief Warrant Officer Hans N. Gukeisen, 31, of Lead, S.D.
Cpl. Richard P. Carl, 26, of King Hill, Idaho.
Lance Cpl. Cedric E. Bruns, 22, of Vancouver, Was
Lance Cpl. Matthew R. Smith, 20, of Anderson, Ind
Lance Cpl. Jakub Henryk Kowalik, 21, of Schaumburg, Ill.
Pfc. Jose Franci Gonzalez Rodriguez, 19, of Norwalk, Calif.
Staff Sgt. Patrick Lee Griffin Jr., 31, of Elgin, S.C.,
Lance Cpl. Nicholas Brian Kleiboeker, 19, of Irvington, Ill.
Spc. David T. Nutt, 22, of Blackshear, Ga., was killed on May 14, 2003
Master Sgt. William L. Payne, 46, of Michiga
Spc. Rasheed Sahib, 22, of Brooklyn, N.YSgt. 1st Class John E. Taylor, 31
Lt. Col. Dominic R. Baragona, 42, of Ohio
Cpl. Douglas Jose Marencoreyes, 28, of Chino, Calif
Sgt. Kirk Allen Straseskie, 23, of Beaver Dam, Wis
Capt. Andrew David LaMont, 31, of Eureka, Calif.
Lance Cpl. Jason William Moore, 21, of San Marcos, Calif.
1st Lt. Timothy Louis Ryan, 30, of Aurora, Ill.
Staff Sgt. Aaron Dean White, 27, of Shawnee, Okla.
Spc. Nathaniel A. Caldwell, 27, of Omaha, Neb.,
Pvt. David Evans, Jr., 18, of Buffalo, N.Y.,
Maj. Mathew E. Schram, 36, of Wisconsin,
Pfc. Jeremiah D. Smith, 25, of Odessa, Mo.,
Sgt. Thomas F. Broomhead, 34, of Cannon City, Colo.,
Staff Sgt. Brett J. Petriken, 30, of Mich.
Pvt. Kenneth A. Nalley, 19, of Hamburg, Iowa
Staff Sgt. Michael B. Quinn, 37, of Tampa, Fla
Spc. Jose A. Perez III, 22, of San Diego, Texas
Staff Sgt. Kenneth R. Bradley, 39, of Utica, Miss.,
Spc. Zachariah W. Long, 20, of Milton, Pa.,
Spc. Michael T. Gleason, 25, of Warren, Pa., and
Sgt. Jonathan W. Lambert, 28, of Newsite, Miss
Spc. Kyle A. Griffin, 20, of Emerson, N.J.
Sgt. Keman L. Mitchell, 24, of Hilli
Sgt. Atanacio Haromarin, 27, of Baldwin Park, CalPetty Officer Third Class Doyle W. Bollinger, Jr., 21, of Poteau, Okla

this is my list of things to do for april 2nd 2004.


to do:

school:

get new advisor - present ise course to poli sci convening group: talk to fluhr again.

china: china app

re-email china people on monday if no response by then. polite yet firm reminder

appt with syrzinksi about 30 cred rule
talk with syrzinksi about how to fill that out - off campus study form

ise app: in mail by monday with $

mod comp pol: japan chapter, go over essays, and definitions for an hour a day.
amer s: read book, write paper
us 2: read book, write paper
int'l s: reading
poli sci meth: thesis and idea due sometime soon, get on that.

work: shower fri night or sat morning

ban:

blurbs about upcoming rcore events with links for info and find pics too!
call james, chris, and rob to get video names and the like.

rcore:

booking form from jlees then to pinese
flyers sunday 3pm here. email people with direcs.
prepare email for list about gjw
post to nyc indy and nj indy gjw
radical cheerleading flyers
call add @ 862 216 0873. Evette, guitarist.
Catherine Moon: 973-249-9559
get tablers for week of events: womens center/march for womens lives

money fer yoga trip, today, yeah today.
write mana

extra:

china costs to dad
US $ 2300 = tution
800 and 1000 = airfare
US$3.5-4 ( per day per person) 133 days, approx. 600 bucks fer housing
total: 3400 and 3900.
then additional expenese, but that is the starting fee.