its 229am. glass number two of red wine. the end of beethoven's 9th is playing. and im remember our little adventures so clearly right now. so crazy. so beautiful. so intense. its such a shock that we are still alive. im just blown away by what we did.

im not upset at all. not even a little bit. it is a wonderful and good life. im warm, im happy, im trying as best i can to move forward with life. and not allowing the silly or the shallow to get me down.

swirl swirl swirl goes the wine glass. airating the wine. releasing all the flavors. as these emails continue to swirl my life around keep me thinking, keep me talking and keep me airating my own life.

im working at the melting pot still. its getting better. im getting better at it. so thats good. im saving cash. not thinking about the existing student loans and looking at doing more travelling sooner than later. nicaragua come february. ive been in close contact with a language program called the centro neuvo segovias - the website is here: www.centronuevasegovia.com

im also begining to work on some more fair trade projects with united students for fair trade. its crazed.

what are you doing? next steps? new plans? life in general? are you in missouri still?

my my my...the red red red wine has gone straight to my head head head. so now to bed bed bed.

peace. love. understanding.
demetrius

sometimes it is easier to have relationships of depth and variety with people are not your family members. sometimes it is easier to forget where you come from. sometimes it is easier to recreate your history.

sometimes it is not.

sometimes my family angers me to no end. sometimes they make me laugh and smile and i can feel myself, feel our relationships growing. sometimes i sit in silence during family gatherings. stand alone against a wall, arms crossed, i wonder what i am doing. why i am standing alone.

sometimes you walk into a room and your bring a bad day with you. the stress and the tension of hours on the road, the spin out, and the tension in my back. sometimes one on joke, the first or the second joke just kills it immediately. sometimes you can let them roll off your back like a seal and swim through the conversation gracefully. sometimes you cannot.

i think that my drug dependence is obvious. food. caffeine. alcohol. attention. i think curbing that, changing that, or moving the swing of it slowly in a direction more favorable to me is hard. but i can do it.

im writing this with most of my family in the room. my brother joined a fraternity. the other brother i dont know. i'll be with them for less than 24 hours. most of them i will be in a surly mood. for that i am sorry but this is how i am feeling.

disconnected.

sometimes i cannot let it roll of my back. the actual reasons are not important. they are drops of water. my response is what matters and when i cannot let go or laugh it off, respond honestly i get angry. lies, lies, truth. i dont like that last sentence, nor do i like the bass line coming from the moving. eww. i cannot deal with sex right now.

im going to go try and sleep. get that to do list together and sit down with jenai and mike to practice spanish, cause apparently jenai's spanish is pretty good and i can learn from both of them. little victories, small steps forward, small smiles can sometimes be more rewarding than cross continentals.

---------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jamie
Date: Nov 16, 2005 6:04 PM

Hey D,
Wow, long time no talk. I'm visiting this website more frequently now and would love to chat with you more often. How life, love, the fam?
Miss ya,
Jamie

response:

230am dispatch from the dining room -


pasta boiling on the stove, atmospheric eclectic beautiful music accompanies the bubbling boil that meets my ears.

i am the only one awake in my house. having sparse conversation with old flames and old friends at 230am waiting for the pasta to be done so i can eat it and watch goodbye lenin before i go to bed because tomorrow is another day another friday

im well. the later it gets the sadder i become as the distance between myself and reality increases.

im leaving for nicaragua in february. i cant wait. i hate jersey. im not ready or interested in anything fancy and sometimes my mother makes me want to vomit.

tell me about your life.

demetrius