Session Start (kussmischnell:MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 01:05:06 2006
[01:05] MusicLovr1: friend, do you ever get scared that maybe you are wasting your youth ?
[01:05] kussmischnell: hahahah
[01:05] kussmischnell: yeah. i mean kinda. i do.
[01:06] MusicLovr1: this has been a reoccurring theme for me since december. haha
[01:07] MusicLovr1: like, maybe im not supposed to be in a long term relationship.. i can't remember the last time that i was out past like, 11pm
[01:07] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:07] kussmischnell: i mean
[01:07] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:07] kussmischnell: i dont know what ot say.
[01:07] kussmischnell: i hate the feeling that i am wasting my youth
[01:07] kussmischnell: my time
[01:08] kussmischnell: my life
[01:08] kussmischnell: but i am excited to age
[01:08] MusicLovr1: i dont really have people i can call friends, just acquaintances really... i never hang out except for w. my boyfriend and his friend.. and band practice, if you call that hanging out.
[01:08] kussmischnell: to grow and and to learn
[01:08] MusicLovr1: i know.. it's such a catch 22. sucks.
[01:08] MusicLovr1: well, maybe not catch 22
[01:08] MusicLovr1: but you know what i mean
[01:08] kussmischnell: it sounds like you are more upset about how you spend time with the boy
[01:08] kussmischnell: and less about wasting your youth
[01:08] kussmischnell: but it could of out of that so i understand
[01:09] MusicLovr1: i think that one is causing the other, if that makes sense
[01:10] kussmischnell: yeah it seems that way to me. it seems that that is what your are communicating to me
[01:11] MusicLovr1: sucks.
[01:11] kussmischnell: i guess
[01:11] kussmischnell: but you are aware of the problem
[01:11] kussmischnell: you know the pieces
[01:11] kussmischnell: you need to know now, how to solve it
[01:15] kussmischnell: or if you are willing to live with this contradiction
[01:15] kussmischnell: or this problem
[01:15] MusicLovr1: it's difficult to evaluate that kind of stuff for me, i gues.
[01:21] kussmischnell: yeah but you already kkind of are
[01:22] kussmischnell: by bringing the problem to me, it sounds like you were evaluatiing it to me, ya know?
[01:24] MusicLovr1: hmm... yes i see......
[01:24] MusicLovr1: i just didn't know if i was the only one feeling this way, or if this is a common thing among people my age
[01:25] MusicLovr1: it seems like everyone ive been associating with lately (outside of my bf, duh) has been like 19-20.. when, usually im the one associating with poeple 3+ yrs older than me.
[01:25] MusicLovr1: so its weird, im not used to it.. and i wonder if subconciously this is part of it ?
[01:25] kussmischnell: how old are you?
[01:26] MusicLovr1: i just turned 22 two weeks ago
[01:26] MusicLovr1: it sounds so oldddddddd
[01:27] kussmischnell: yeah im 22 plus 6 months or so
[01:27] kussmischnell: and the time is passing real fast, real fast.
[01:27] MusicLovr1: the other day i was looking at someone's myspace and it was like.. 22, and i was like.. omg thats so old ! and then i was like.. oh wait, fuck, im 22.
[01:28] kussmischnell: yeah hahahaha
[01:28] kussmischnell: but then youy forget there are all these years in there like 27, 26, 29
[01:28] kussmischnell: crazy years no one remembers
[01:28] kussmischnell: or even, 33, 36, 37
[01:29] kussmischnell: no thinks about those years either
[01:29] MusicLovr1: yeah yeah
[01:29] kussmischnell: you cross a certain age threshold and then those years arent so scary. you stop only thinking about the immediate and start thinking about the future
[01:29] kussmischnell: its such an interesting shift in thought process.
[01:30] MusicLovr1: but i already think about the future
[01:30] MusicLovr1: i mean, maybe not to the same extent as older people..
[01:30] MusicLovr1: but maybe thats part of the problem?
[01:30] MusicLovr1: too busy growing up to enjoy now?
[01:31] kussmischnell: yeah, now moves fucking fast
[01:31] kussmischnell: and alot of wishes i could just step on the brakes but i cant.
[01:33] kussmischnell: i kind of wish that highschool hadnt happened or happened earlier, or faster. or maybe that i took time off between hs and college. i dont know. but these are permanent unknowns. things that cannot change at all. at all. they are set in stone and ive got to accept that. now though im so excited about the possibilities. this is the time in my life that i finally feel powerful enough to make changes.
[01:33] kussmischnell: to make decisions. to choose what i want and dont want to do. that is the cliche - responsibility.
[01:33] kussmischnell: and with the responsibility comes a huge amount of power.
[01:34] kussmischnell: and thats great. i love that freedom. i love those feelings and i really enjoy, scary and stressful as it is, making these choices.
[01:35] MusicLovr1: yes i know know know what you are saying
[01:35] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:36] MusicLovr1: i took time off here and there, and it was okay.. nice to do nothing, but the routine got fucking old. i mean, during this time i was in the same relationship so i dont know
[01:36] kussmischnell: what are you thinking?
[01:36] MusicLovr1: but i think my best years was when i was 17-18
[01:36] MusicLovr1: first year of college, away at the dorm.. meeting so many people whom i clicked with, allowed to be stupid, etc.
[01:37] MusicLovr1: i just agree with you that theres nothign we can do, so i guess i shouldnt be scared.. but ive just been sort of down lately, i guess.. i dont want to get into it too much... but my relationship has been extremely rocky and unfufilling and ive been unmotivated w/ school and i miss familiarity, even though ive been here like 6 months now
[01:38] kussmischnell: yeah, true. i think my best year is this one. but i dont know what the next ones are going to be. :)
[01:39] MusicLovr1: haha that is amazing
[01:39] kussmischnell: i think that this one thing - the loss of your youth and the sadness associated with that - is seperate but triggered by your rocky relationship. that relationship is different. and that is something that needs to be addressed seperately.
[01:40] kussmischnell: im going to die smiling.
[01:40] kussmischnell: :)
[01:40] kussmischnell: i fucking love it.
[01:40] MusicLovr1: hahahahaha
[01:40] MusicLovr1: im scared of dying too. but. that would be awesome to do it smiling.
[01:41] kussmischnell: i kind of relish the moment.
[01:41] kussmischnell: the moment when i will realize im dying.
[01:41] kussmischnell: so i can i think about it. cause my my. that is going to be a trip.
[01:43] MusicLovr1: hahahahahaha
[01:43] MusicLovr1: fucking amazing
Session Close (MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 01:55:05 2006


Session Start (kussmischnell:MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 02:15:47 2006
[02:15] kussmischnell: good night kid.
[02:15] kussmischnell: thanks for messaging me
[02:16] MusicLovr1: night
[02:16] kussmischnell: it was a good talk.

ken says game on.
his faces cuts sharp across the dining room
i retreat to kitchen to prep cheese
and then, before you know it, its over.
with a vacuum
and a glass of red wine.



i feel as if the hours at work fly by without questions and there are no moments to breathe. its good and bad. bye hours! hello money! i'll see you later.

Last night

fire, smoke, two brothers
coffee, newspaper, phone calls
no power, darkness, lovers
seperation, snow, and the cold

it was a perfect example of brotherly love/life
it was a perfet demonstration of what our family is like
158 deerhaven road, the flue is broken and the family is cold.
so start a fire and close all the doors
dont let the pipes burst, just freeze until morn
yes dad, no problem, im just slightly annoyed
but i'll manage, we'll do it and there will be no reward.

it is the necessity to immortalize moments and making them larger than ourselves to give meaning to our lives.

it is about acceptance.

its been 10 days now. we spoke for an hour on the phone. it felt amazing. human in touch and all that i wanted. talking to you today made everything better, kept the tears at bay, and brought the sunshine out. i look forward to tomorrow and everyday after that because i know you are still you and any changes that happen wont rip us apart.

even if they do.

i know that i love you. i know that i am ok with how life unfolds. for any tears or sadness, anger or grief that may appear it is how it is. french is your language, your saying is c'est la vie. such is life. indeed.

new years day with friends from echt 03

part of it is being scared. of writing of results of judgement of failure family debt being trapt sticky situations ninjas anger women men, slurpees 7-11 american soldiers and muslims. not to mention large black men and mexicans after midnight.

all this fear exists within me. it bubbles, breathes, pulses moves and pushes to be released but i hold it inside me as to not let it out, to harm others, i know that its mine andi like the proper outlet for it. i rage and re-arrange the world and this cage.

FUCK.

6:10am i will begin the 2nd job today. i told mike about nicaragua yesterday and that feb 15th would be about my last day at the melting pot. i did it right before he was about to offer me a management position. he likes me and that makes me feel very good. but i need to move on. for now. maybe ill come back for a few weeks here or there. but its not long term. i need the challenge and the space to grow my intellect, my ability, myself and not be limited by 120 seats, 5 pages of wine and 6 or 7 cheese fondues.

ah. sigh. it can be so hard to let it happen, trust life, and just be.

russian climbing video

awesome video. so intense.

i find myself looking back at every minute i spent with kate, every miniscule action, every exchange, every adventure and experience wondering about how it went and realizing that i did not appreciate having her in my life. seeing how little i understood about this distance we have now.

i dont want to give up my positions or thoughts on the matter, but i can see it from a larger perspective now. and that helps. helps with the coping, helps with the space, helps with movement.

her name is kate. and it rhymes with great for a reason.

transcripts of an excerpt from a conversation:

me: so, how is existence?
rachel: tiiiiiring
rachel: and for you?
me: i like tiring. so ill use it. my existence is tiring as well.
me: what tires you out most these days?
rachel: hmmm.. it's late and I was real stoned earlier
rachel: to be quite honest
rachel: you sir?
me: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
me: fucking awesome
me: work, my partner leaving, and the sadness that results
rachel: aww.. partner leaving?
me: its amazing what emotions can bring out in a person
rachel: explain?
rachel: sad
me: she is studying in india for the semester
me: she left two days ago
rachel: fuckin lame
rachel: you should kill her
me: i mean, yeah i could but then i would never have the pleasure of seeing her again and feeling her hand on my face or her head pressed into my chest.
me: so i dont think im going to off her anytime soon.
me: thanks for the suggestion though.
rachel: heehee.. you're such a hopeless romantic
rachel: and I fucking love it
rachel: tell me about her
me: she's short. five feet, brown hair a spot below her ears. soft brown eyes set against a face that reminds me of a warm cup of coffee flooded with cream.
rachel: haha that's
me: she studies at ramapo, gender studies. and she kicks my ass.
rachel: awesome
rachel: you truly are a poet
me: thanks rachel.
me: she is from haledon and rides her bike when she can, and works in retail too much.
rachel: I wish that I had that power with poety
rachel: poetry
rachel: woowww
rachel: that's incredible
rachel: whats he name?
me: but she looks forward. alot, and has this strength about her. a strength rooted in acceptance of and refusal to be caught in her situation, so inspires me so much. so much that i think i might backslide in these next few months.
me: kate. her name is kate.
me: and it rhymes with great for a reason.

no kate! day 2! well. day 1 and a half. clearly this way of keeping time is going to get old fast, but i feel the physical distance between us acutely and im always wondering what she is doing, knowing that i have done the same, but different, gives me comfort, hope, smiles, and a bit of nascent curiosity.


sigh. how i miss my baby.

7 hours and counting. alone and nauseated. i went to our chinese place, our coffee shop, and our video store today. the woman at the chinese restaurant asked me if i was ordering food for 'the girl." people know us. her absence was recognized. not only by me, but by a character in our shared life. a life i like. one that i want. want her in. want her with me on train rides, bike rides, and bagel runs. want her to see the sun rise, the wine drip, and the road curve. waiting for her to be with me when we travel together, wishing she was here with me right now, and tomorrow too.

This month will have too many moments of loneliness.

I am not looking forward to it.

i just cant believe that kate left. its devastating. im trying to hold it together and not sedate myself, trying to not over eat, trying to not distract myself with booze, work, or movies. im keeping busy updating my ipod with her music cause i get to think about this morning and her. and listening to the message she left me this morning brought tears to my eyes. she is in the air right now. sitting in the aisle seat, hopefully not alone.

i did not realize or allow myself to accept the fact the she was leaving. i didnt want the tears, once they found me i just shut down. i feel lost. i want to be holding her right now. i want to be next to her, so she can make me feel the way she makes me feel.