definately, just became overwhelmed. over whelmed. over whelmed by all the things that i must accomplish beforfe i leave. im not even going to list them because there are too many.
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ok a little bit of that out of my system 4 shots in my system, 40 minutes until i become a cog in a machine in a system of food preparation i really dont want to play this game today but some green makes the world go round and round and round. and i dont complain.
there is so much and so little of stuff. there other day i stayed at work late and counted all the food and booze. inventory they called it, we drank a bottle of quintessa 2000, fucking gorgeous wine. blew my mind. but its different in an irritating way without miss brown demanding with drink riesling tonight.
ive been remembering alot of things my father has done for me over the years, alot of moments that we shared together and alot of wierd feelings that i hold for him now. alot of love alot of fear about what could happen, alot of wishing he wasnt getting older. alot of wishing we were closer and alot of pained attempts at communication.
there have been alot of awesome moments recently, like getting to go inside a movie projector booth! that was so awesome. i got to see how the whole mechanism works and it was super cool. what a nifty thing! thanks lindsay! it was a random day, walking down ramsey main and a high school friend said hey from her job at the theatre and we shot the shit and then she had to start the film and offered me the chance to see it action. so fucking cool. what an awesome day.
its been really hard not having kate around, and i feel bad not being as attentive as she has been to me. for all the jokes made about letters and such, i know ive been slacking, but ive been busy. AND THEN SHE SENDS ME A PACKAGE! MISS. I KNOW YOU ARE READING THI. I LOVE YOU DEARLY.
you know, i was almost mad for a second and then i realized that this was such a sharing of love and an expression of affection that becoming angry wouldnt do anything for me at all. and really now. its not like it was just stuff, but it is useful things for me to have travel snacks, and food i like, so when i think about how much i like this food i think about how much i like her. smart girl she is, real smart girl.
looking at different aspects of my life gives me wierd pleasure wierd pain. or something like that. starting to write actively again is like starting to ride a bike again, the muscles are fucked, the vocab is week and you want to give up on the first hill.
they want me to facilitate a workshop on direct action at the USFT conference. im about it. but scared. ill be fine with a co-facilitator. and its practice at teaching, presenting and speaking. its a good learning opportunity.
my manager at the melting pot wanted me to become an assistant manager, not tomorrow, but down the road. he was really upset about the fact that im moving on. its kind of touching actually. i mean, flattering too, ive never been offered anything like that before, and he really likes me aside from all the jokes, and i really like him. but man. looking a the possible paths that life could take is always kind of freaky.
i could stay around here and become a restuarant manager. think about that. i have. but, there are things out there which i will find so much more satisfying, challenging and enriching.
i might find religion at some point in my life. i might renounce anarchism. i migh accept things i once hated. i might not. i might create new paths to walk down, i might just follow in my fathers footsteps, both options are scary. but id rather make my own path.
demetrius
