lets all watch summer crash and burn!

im not sure what it is right now, but im tired, sad, and rejected. the italicized font wedged between the tight block lettering is somewhat of a relief and allows me to feel as if i am doing something special, writing something important, putting some serious words some profound thoughts onto the paper. i cant tell if i am deluding myself, or if i just dont know any better. i dont know if i like or dislike empty houses, is it nice or barren. are we anything or nothing, and why are there so many loose ends that need tying.

lets do some work on those knots, eh?

and i dont like it when people insult other peoples sexuality or sexual choices. i dont feel bad about not seeing kayla, im fucking sad that she lost her mind and now is a drugged up zombie. where the fuck did that girl go.

why did she pop?

and julie never even told me why. it just fucking ended and it was my decision to do so. she called me back, she attempted to mend and wrote it off as just a bad day. but i was not interested, i opted out. i ended the game. and who lost?

there are skunks about.

i want to fuck that asian boy over there.

vanessa is home, the moon is full.

i am angry at people.

i am frustrated with myself and my situation.

i want to be done with things. i want freedom.

i want night rides.

i am strong

and i am susceptible.

i will smile and i will continue.

somethings i will finish and somethings i will not, no red lines will stop me.

east africa is a hell hole right now, people are fucking dying daily and you are sellling goddamn coffee from there paying the farmers shit and calling it fucking exotic goddamn i am sick of this shit no wonder i got such rage there is such rage to be had and little comfort and peace to be found idealists hold such high expectations that every goddamn time we get together its never going to be perfect because we all might explode.

my head is such a mess i dont have peace or a deep breath and i just want to call it quits or breathe deep breaths drinking nice strong beer ice cold and golden smooth giving me the escape i need without the danger line, tomorrow is bikes beer and ease. thats the day i am making for myself and if it doesnt happen it doesnt but that dont mean im not going to just relax and enjoy what does come. cigarette dont forget that government has arrived and that means nothing is what it seems. i dream of space and astronaut ice cream freeze dried, wrapped packaged wierd aisles wierd spelling hell everything before ramapo was weird and now this is just another thing in the list of challenges fuck jobs and burning off my legs i think that breaking wheels and relief is needed because if i push too hard i might explode and an easy explosion makes a big mess that cannot be surpassed by any amount of paper towels and spray! wheres the spray. i like caramel macchiatos i hate you i hate gender stop being so rigid stop being so power stop overwhelming and controlling me give me the evening to breathe or i might explode all over you like a burnt out ragamuffin wanna be lesbian who cant find freedom in homosexuality because its too much like an ice cream shop in downtown westwood where the same crowd comes in and out again and again and you never get anything but the same flavor in different sizes, smile cause you committed yourself to a life of swimming back and forth in empty pools i kind of hate being alone i love rushing and being caught up i think im just going to leave. and listen to music loudly until i can escape everything amazing that im not thinking just writing.

im just not awake.

yup. pasta. joe might be leaving his job, the other joe might be moving back home. this summer has been so fine but so wierd. i have a plethora of loose ends to tie up asap and i am quintessentially a lazy lazy boy.

last time sheet for nccc
papers for class
reading for class
log for class
drop off inspection sheet at garage
eat more pasta
hang out with matt
hang out with leora
no dying while on bike(today was close)
maybe create some type of spending saving plan

talk with people. im skipping names cause its easier, kind of. we hung up today and that silence sat there in my mind and the phone and i just should of said, whats wierd? cause i feel wierd and im not sure why. how do you feel? i feel like we arent talking about something that we might need to talk about. or maybe not. maybe we just arent talking enough, or maybe we just arent talking.

and right now, im talking to you, cause no one else knows who this is, bobby pins, im sorry about the cookies comments and the edge that has been in my side of the conversations recently, i dont know why it is. ive been a dick and i am sorry. especially about the diet soda last night and the cigarettes. i apologize. i do not want to be a source of stress for you, id like to be quite the opposite in fact. so id like to sit down and talk with you, in person, and maybe even at beantowne how we used to. cause while we cant really walk backwards, we can walk forwards together.

ok, so that was on my mind and my parents have been at each others throats for a spot now. but malcolm and them leave saturday meaning demetrius has the house to himself for a week, maybe a nice dinner party? or just some naked walking around is in order. alright tomorrow must be a full day and fully powered by bike i hope.

crosses fingers prays to pedal gods and hopes for the best.

its late or early depending on how you look at it and my life has flip flopped again from working days to working nights. im happier, busier, got more cashmoney, and looking forward to a satisfaction that is more immediate yet more longterm as now, after the brief fling in vermont with usft i have found a plan.

nicaragua is the goal, the time is now, and the obstacle cash, so in addition to working working working im going to get rid of some of my shit via ebay or craigslist and practice my spanish daily and dream of rice and beans and that amazing nicaraguan cheese.

there are things i want to talk about like why i ride a bike, summertime and love, hope and faith, and other things that enter my mind when im riding or driving, i dont think ive been writing enough or talking enough about them, so im going to attempt some immediate rectification of that tonight and maybe tomorrow.

oh, and oddly enough, ive been getting aroused like a school boy recently. a tight shirt, a bra line, sparkling eyes and i feel the need to rush the bathroom and relieve myself. wierd, right? why is this happening? i dont know and i mind/dont mind but dont know why and thats the most bothersome aspect of it.

joey is struggling with the job, he has decided to leave it come sept, thats fucking amazing, the one kid i know, who bags a real gig in his desired profession post college is now putting the brakes on. i tell you, that shit will kill you, offices and deadlines, and sitting infront of the box all day or working hard for the money will take years off your life. i bet busting ass nights will do the same, but hell at least i have my time with the sunshine and the road and one gear.

been riding a fixed gear, single speed no brakes no coasting, bike for about week and a half now. i kind of love it kind of hate it, im moving the gear to something easier real soon so that i can stop, skip, etc when needed, this 52x16 business is not healthy for the knees or my safety, but ive been owning the helmet recently and dont mind, it might encourage me to do some stupider stuff on the bike, but, hey? who doesnt have health insurance?

oh right, me.

about that, i look around and see college loans, health insurance bills, and my mother trying to push the car off on me and i laughing thinking that if she gives me the title, im fucking selling that car, buying a sweet bike, and throwing the rest into the bank. im going to work and do my own thing on my own time. that immediately manifests as a nica, longterm? i dont have any fucking clue. but whatever, i dont need to.

and thats a lie cause i do, but right now i dont want to be bogged down i want to move to pace, to explore and to live a life that satisfies my existing needs - adventure, exposure and mental explosions come immediately to mind.

i might ban beantowne from the list of places, cause im getting bored, not with the people, but the setting, then again if i ban beantowne all the coffeeshops in bergen have got to go and im not quite there yet. but in the save money book, not consuming drinks/food on a regular basis outside the house is a new challenge. i did real well, till today, but i didnt go home all day and couldnt prep for it. next week is a new challenge. one i gladly accept. smiles.

it was nice and interesting getting legless with zach and some ridgewood kids the other day. nice, just nice, bordering on dull. but engaging. just kind of numbing. numbing. numbing.

i did run across a boy the other day at a bike shop and he does interest me, but as always im scared, will continue to be, but i want to hang out if for no other reason than to talk bikes and learn things, cause he knows things that i want to know and how fucking good is it to ride bikes with someone or do anything with someone in a casual noncompetive way? so fucking good. ha and i need to bake cookies this week. ha and leora gets home on tuesday ha. and i have to go to the library to get lolita and the zinn bike book and then finish the 20 pages by the 21st, not to mention the reading for it, and the log, and then i volunteer to do a bunch of bergen action fair trade shit, and then loving someone actively and van gets home in two weeks and i have yet to really reset my clock the world to me still kind of exists around college school time and fordyce is still texting me, and my goals are playing this wierd second fiddle to the hope that pushes and pulls me towards the what could be from love to work to life to plans to change to option, i fall on patterns and, yeah patterns in ways so predictable i cant break them and seeing them is like searching through the fog, what happened to the fireflies from earlier this summer? did i ever take kate to see them? no.

what the fuck is this mess?

and everyones back from india with yumiko and i drunk dialing last night, jackson and i stopped writing letters, laura i have have stopped corresponding, my mail is junk and bills, andrew is trying to organize a shindig, jenai and i actually spoke the other day with out yelling or being nasty and i think my mother is really sick and controlling, this is like diarhrea of the mouth/mother for those interested or uninterested, the tip of the ice berg and looking through windows at what was and wondering how ive gotten to where i am and being so thankful about not walking certain paths yet not so sure about other choices, this is just the tip of the iceberg and i hope that more can be exposed to cut through the hull and sink the titanic so i can swim. and drown.

i quit my job at the nccc today.

thankfully.