Relaxation. Pizza, brownies, espresso, wireless internet, liter after liter of Tona, chef salads, warm showers, an explosion of intellectual English conversation - not that that does not exist in Ocotal but to have those conversations with other people and see where I am and where I have come from, looking backwards, reflection.

Talking with a group of travellers this morning we talked about what actions we can take to change things and Bridget said mindfulness. I thought, no, its not mindfulness because no one knows what mindfulness means. I had explained what I my process of understanding looked like. Of how I was learning, living and understanding Nicaraguan poverty and my relationship to it. I understand it through understanding where I come from. I have found that by focusing on what I know, my experiences and where I find myself and then relating that mix of thoughts to the experience it helps me understand everything that I am living in right now. So then: How much am I living this?

This poverty? This experience. These rice, beans and tortillas I eat every day. This dust that dirties my clothes, these bus seats that hurt my bottom, these Nicaraguan eyes that burn into me and these lives en lo que estoy metiendome - putting myself in - how much of that I am really living? How much do I want to? How much am I welcome to?

Granada is Nicaragua's tourist capital. I say this as I use wireless internet, drink espresso and listen to some fachenta old white women talk about tax status. This is twisted. But I am happy.

Finding comfort, space, doing some work and enjoying my time not in Ocotal as this is more isolation and we, Gringos, love isolation. We love isolating ourselves. Completely and then we love putting on these truely false faces of warmth and community. Everyday. I do it here and in Ocotal. Just seeing gringos I get the vibe that this is who we are: Cold. Frozen stiff. Frost bitten. Left forgotten in the freezer by the absent minded cook. We are last weeks leftovers, each unwanted, without love and ignored. Complacent and accepting. Voiceless, we don't cry foul. We are the 21st century's mutes. A generation lost in our comfort. Buried in our personal apartment tombs of stuff, piling and rising and reaching towards, finally touching the cieling conspiring with God in hushed tones, saying that the time has come and we hear these whispers filtering down through the piles of stuff, thing after thing after unused thing collecting dust, spawning mold, vibrating with God's voice, birthing a whole new world of waste in which we, the mutes, swim, get by and die.

I think we have chosen this life for ourselves. We gave ourselves this fate using our oft prided sense of freedom and ability to chose, we chose nothing. Not just nothing but worse than nothing, we chose to be hollow. To have bodies riddled with holes, to have souls sliced thin like Swiss cheese, layered thick on sandwhiches of dissatisfaction, dissafection, disassociation and the disease of loneliness. This is where we find ourselves: lost, lonely and wandering, disease laden through strange lands searching for something to fill these holes.

What are my holes? I ask. What are they? Where do they come from? Will analyzing my holes give me more insight into understanding others and myself? Yes. Are you sure? Yes, because the better I know myself the better positioned I will be to understand you and you and you. So then the daunting question. What are my holes? What am I looking for? Where should I look? Are my answers hiding in Nicaragua or in Spanish? What keys do I need to open which doors? Who has thems? Why? To everything, why? So then the question moves not from what, which or where but to why.

I think that is where I find myself now. The why.

Why am I in Nicaragua? Why Spanish? Why work with a program about social and linguistic exchange? Why did I meet the people that I met? Why me? Why 2006? Why? Why? Why?

Exhausting, but a starting place. Somewhere to go from as I explore this minefield you jokers call life. I am happy. Amongst all that I am happy. Promise. Believe me. The search brings happiness in purpose, the truth is in the transit as some famous person said whom my friend Sarah quotes in her emails. Sarah brings me happiness as do my other friends and strangers. Bus rides and birds, sunsets and pasta sauce, lolipops and Bachata, hugs and handshakes, conversations and languages, exploration and admittance of insecurity which does give you this rather thin yet unimaginably warm blanket of confidence. I love all those things and there is not enough computer code nestled in the back of programmers's brains nor enough gigabytes to hold all the words representing reality that give me happiness, pure unbridled bristling with joy happiness. Those experiences, those real things, those brushes of flesh and flashes of memory would never fit on any gigabyte or in any computer code. It is to know that happineess is far beyond digitization or conformity.

The guy says don't worry too much. I say I don't.

The Nicaraguan Elections. Thoughts from a gringo living in Sandinista Country.

This is a sticky, being a diehard progressive my heart leaps for joy whenever the Left beats the Right. Even if the Left is a chauffered child molesting corrupt disconnected bastard. Ok, maybe my heart doesn't always leap for joy when the Left wins.

Im excited about the possibilities of what the Sandinistas could do. Hopefully, we will see a fall in poverty and the deep sadness stretching across Nicaragua through an increase in social spending, a committment to creating jobs, support for the people's movements here - the landless workers movement, Fair Trade, and the women's movement - and maybe a little hackle raising feather rustling for the USA. Pronounced UH - sah here.

There are problems though. Daniel has increased ties with bankers, big business, the ultra conservatives and is corruption riddled just like his fat pact signing friend Arnoldo Aleman. And for women in the crowd and concerned others, Daniel put all his support behind the recent complete ban on abortions that just passed through the Nicaraguan version of congress. Scary shit. There has also been talk of him passing laws to prevent Panama and the United States from extraditing Arnoldo Aleman for persecution of the theft of millions upon millions of dollars donated to Nicaragua for relief work after Hurricane Mitch put the smackdown on the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere, according to GDP figures. And CAFTA? Where does Daniel fall? Pro-CAFTA, more or less. Another strike against the former revolutionary.

Four legitimate parties ran in this election. The Sandinistas and the MRS on the left flanked by PLC and the ALN on the right. Each party won a number of congressional seats and developed a or strengthed its existing following. Sadly, out of the 4, only the MRS really offers a different economic and social vision for the country. Garnishing the fewest votes, yet they established themselves and, in some districts, got almost 50% of the vote for president and diputados(think senators). Not bad for a first year party. The development of a true multiparty system only bodes well for Nicaragua democracy if not entirely well for the Nicaraguans.

Looking at Latin America right now and seeing the push towards more populist leaders you could put Daniel's victory in a positive, if not cautious light. I hope it leads towards a strengthening of a unique Latin American political indentity and gives them more confidence to stand up to the big northern bully. Unfortunately, Nicaragua's dependence on US remittances and other aid might seriously hinder any significant political actions. Vamos a ver.

Personally, Im not scared that there will be any rash actions. The world is not the same as it was in the 80's. From the Nicaraguans I have talked to there a few general responses. Angry at Daniel's victory, positive and cautious, or downright joyful because finally after 16 years the Sandinistas are back in power. The questions now: How much have they changed? How much have they remained the same? And if they have changed, in which direction did they go?

It is going to be an interesting 5 years.

Big ole mug of steaming hot espresso sends me reeling. I think, "God how I love this feeling." Sitting in La Casa del Cafe in Managua, using the free wireless, waiting for the US Consulate to open up so that I can get more pages put in my passport and then it is off to Granada for a party and a baking session and laughter and joy in Nicaragua's tourist hotspot.

I love Granada because its Nicaragua through and through just wrapped in Western bacon. You've got everything from Subway to pounding nightclubs but just beneath that overpriced tourist infastructure is the beauty of Nicaragua. Warm people with open dooors and smiles. A history that runs hot and deep like Concepcion's lava and a colonial beauty that is hard to beat. Compared to the chaos of Managua its heaven. Hot, packed, walkable and accesible. Granada could almost be called Nica Lite becuase it certainly ain't no Nica Libre.

Lolipops, chocolate, Starburts and letters all make a boy happy on this Thanksgiving Day when he is not near his family. There will be no turkey nor stuffing and none of that overblown family drama that tends to tear a hole in all of our hearts when all we want is a nice quiet meal filled with love and good stories.

That absence is not the fault of anyone in particular yet the fault of everyone in general because we tend to see the forest and ignore the trees or ignore the forest and only see the withered broken aged beaten trees. For me its understanding that my family are my roots and my soul they ground me and simultaneously drive me crazy. I love them and miss them horribly.

Tonight I will toast to another Thanksgiving alone! To a wonderful family! And to an adventure that never stops!

Later I will talk about cleaning strangers houses and cooking beans. But to sleep on a floor not my own and clean a kitchen that was empty feeling liberated by my chains of friendships I almost wet myself with happiness to have that breathing room.

Its still not easy. Its still beautiful.

Today I watched a flock of long tailed sparrows fly from tree to tree, chirping, singing, diving, wheeling. They filled the air and carried my smile away with them from tree to tree. If only they had been wise enough to ask me for other things to carry away with them. I would of unloaded my frustration, loneliness, anger, fears, uncertainty, challenges, pitfalls, sadness, dirty laundry and everything else that I could rid myself of in a fleeting moment. Maybe it was I who wasn't wise enough to ask them to take those things with them, maybe I should of screamed in Sparrow Spanish, ¨¡Vengan! ¡Saquenme todas de mis incertidumbres que llevo! ¡Porfavor!¨

I didn't know. I just didn't know. Either no one told me or I didn't ask. Maybe I was too afraid. Now I must go and work, put on a good face, the game face, and tackle the challenges that early evening brings me, brings us. The good thing is that we are not alone now.

I can't say that it never gets easy. There are so many days when I don't know what I'm doing or if I'm just waiting for the next problem. This weekend, including Monday, has a laundry list of challenges attached to it: coworker leaving, missing cellphone, huge fight outside my house, getting mad sick, my roomate (Emily) breaking up with her boyfriend only to find that all her male friends here are confessing their love for her left and right, emily almost got robbed/assualted today, there was a gun pulled and then shot outside of our house, someone broke into the house and stole the cd player, the student today was all out of whack and crying in my sala this morning. Damn son. Its just overwhelming. Really overwhelming. Plus, I have a huge pile of work to do. Gah. I just want to scream. But man, finding those coping mechanisms here are really, really challenging.

But lets talk about the good things: People have been telling me I've lost some wieght, I got complemented on how I handled our student this morning, I didn't get shot or hurt Saturday night, I had fun dancing at the disco till the insanity happened, we had a Nicaraguan cooking classs saturday morning, I met someone who will teach me how to bake a bunch of different cakes, had a good walk with Esperanza, got some work done, talked with Claudia today, Emily and I have been strengthing our friendship and I'm feeling good about my Spanish. The trick is I just can't doubt myself. Gotta have faith. Its just like milk. Does a body good.

This all leaves me bien mezclado, confudido and all sorts of things. Gah.

Silly boy. Like, look at all those things up there. Thats alot right? Im not crazy am I? For anyone to deal with that would be hard. The begged question is: Why? What makes me? Why the fuck am I here? Comparing the good and the bad is it worth it? Can I even ask that question of this process? Are the benefits hidden? Like Easter Eggs that will continue to pop up as I live my life from now on? I am so confused. Why am I doing this? Why do other people? What the fuck do we get out of it? Spanish? Is that worth it? Quien sabe. Ni idea.

Ugh. Horns honk as people persue their status giving games. I really just want to eat a ton of food and not fucking worry about it. And the crowd goes wild for coping mechanisms! I was showering yesterday and thinking about my friend Kadd, his challenges and myself and my challenges and that maybe we are just destroyed humans. So capable, so beautiful and powerful but living broken lives from broken bodies and doing anything we can to survive, just survive. Just not to die. And could you imagine if we were not broken? If we were whole and strong? If we didnt have to focus so much energy on just surviving and could place our energy in creation, love and beauty? What then? What could we do? We dont even know. We dont have that option of knowing because we are always living in this process of struggle just to move ahead with ourselves. If only we werent broken, we'd be whole. If we were whole, I imagine that the world would be a better place. This doesnt mean that it can't be, it just means that we need to work on ourselves first and our communities.

Good night.