gah gah

i meet a stranger's voice last night, again it greeted me today this innspiration means meeting a stranger, strangely exciting. excited, but hesitant. cant work up the same gusto, or can i? i can, cant I?

not sure, not sure at all.

i dont know

im going to meet a stranger, strangely exciting thrilling these wonders and tests of my sexuality and humanity, who are human beings that call out in the begining of winter for some sort of connection with feeling can i deliver?

deliver upon the desired but ill fail miserably, im not as free as id like to be with plastic and metal keys in my pants my hips are locked down and sealed to control tools of comfort and mobility to be mobile and free with knowledge a plenty is a goal in the distance achievable but challenging. and i am challenged.

toes. feet, wheels of bike, and the sweet smile of a stranger sitting on a statue just looking at would could be, though i certainly dont meet the standards of any but the most accepting communities. my freedom

my freedom will be my own or it will be nothing as it is now, nothing but a pretty prison framework for no freedom and im just looking at inspiration from faggots on drugs or writings on an internet listserve that are simple and not overly techinical cant freedom be spelled with 7 letters or said with words that are simple and easy to understand.

'it takes all types to make a world' said the man to me as we watched someone snap a piece of wood against a bench, i attach my front bike wheel and ride off wondering about him and his background. about me and about what inspires us to think such honest thoughts the city forces honesty on us. in someways.

it also offers anonymoity. to be hidden from sight and in plain view all im looking for is freedom from the pain that people cause due to misunderstanding and if i stopped now id be too afraid to continue.

dont make me listen to dashboard confessional.

all i want is freedom from mindcontrol and music that defines my thoughts and actions rape scenese and violence emotions unbound and guitars that scream sadness across fiber optic cables and through high definition television screens. if i was to create my own free world it'd be free. free from this and that free from discrimination definition defaming actions and built on questions and smiles.

people enjoy those. id like trust too. a bit of trust; i trust me and i trust you. can we build on that or do we need more people to stand with us against the onslaught. if we only just believed. if we only just believed. if we only could create social structures fundamentally different than these. than these. racism, bombs, and refusal.

to disempower.

to empower.

to fall in between the lines and smile wide as the grand canyon greeting the sun, early on a weekday morning. its just another day i think. its just another day, i think. to kill possibility.

possibly.

kill. it. possibility. kill it fucking dead. i want no breath or movement from the corpse of options deflate it like a punctured bike tire. roll, thump thump, rolll, thump thump, rollll, thump thump, rolllll, thump thump, rollllll, thump thump, rolllllll till its rolling and thumping like a heart pumping blood and oxegyn open

open to possibility.

so met me for the first time before i leave, this is normal. life works like that, you dont understand it? good niether do i, lets not waste our time figuring out, ok? cause its just another day.

sunshine.

oh gosh

papers

people being home

work at 630am

i love hate this life

demetrius

we are a nation of addicts. starting our day with drugs and often finishing with them as well. is living an addiction free life possible?

thinking back on Pedro and his openness makes me smile, when talking about the removal of restrictions of movement between countries in the EU he was genuinely happy and excited about the prospect of no borders. that attitude might contribute to the series of no border actions that come out of europe. its pretty fantastic that that attitude exists and some folk act on it, it sucks that more do not. but the beauty of Pedro's honest excitement moves me, making me think of how great it could be if that attitude went farther and pushed all of us to think about the possibility of a world without borders where the free movement of people was encouraged over the free movement of capital.

my dreams have been so vivid recently, from looking up ali's skirt to the whole battle between malcolm, my mother and i, to the wild train ride high in the mountains of asia, along with the fact that most of the protagonists seem to be womyn, what does that mean? i mean shit, oranges? seeds? skins? trucks? the past? nudity and whirling dervishes along with muslim militia on horse backs, coal powered trains, glass doors and the student center, last night was heavily affected by the travel book - in such a beautiful way ah the desire to recreate and enjoy again but the desire for uniqueness in that is so beautiful. i think switchiny positions of my sleep has done wonders too. and i wonder what affect the hours im sleeping have. with work aside i should be able to maintain whatever. and again the time for yoga must be made or ill just be screwing myself.

i think ive got some problems. which sucks. people. sex. and how i view them, hell thats not being honest enough.

i love sex.
i love having sex.
and will do most anything to get it.

that does not include rape. or violence, or paying for it. basically i rely on m verbal skills to get me the bootaaaaay. and my dancing skills(biff) and my fancy fancy fancy-ness, and i couldnt forget the smile.

is that bad?

maybe.

problem generates when i look at my relationships with women and men. and see that most of are based around knowing that person physically.

now, is that bad?

i can be. i think it.
shit

can i see past it? yes. i have friendships that are based on stronger things than that. mike, chris, joe, chris, zoe, sean, zack, katie, renee, shelly.

most of those relations are with men. when i meet women & men(though with men its different) whom dont strike me as being attractive(mind you attractive is code for looks good enough to have sex with) i interact with them differently, i dont flirt with intent, i may flirt but it is in jest and friendship. so the ultimate goal is different.

with men, a man whom i dont want to fuck (and i know is open enough to fuck me) gets treated depending on what they have to offer - see right there - that in the above paragraph i judged women only on level of wanting to fuck, on men, there are two levels before i stopped myself in analysis.

so shit, what now? i pointed it out, from there i can move on. identify and understand then surpass.

to undertstand that women are not just warm bodies. teachers; my knitting would be no where without the teachers i've had - Rebecca, Amy, Doreen. My cooking, the teachers have come from all walks, but my mother and Emma could not be forgotten, not the least of which, miss carrie jackson, that wonderful woman has inspired me to such great heights. politics: Cindy, Chaia, Eli, Allison, Leila, Sarah, Shauna, Darini, Zoe, Sharon(as much as I disagree with her) and im sure to have forgotten someone. Jenai has been a teacher and challenge for me in a myriad of aspects from sex to politics and interpersonal realities. Friendship, that list would echo throught the halls of St.Micheal's in Vatican City. Steph, without her my coffee skills would be shit. Cait, my verbal skills and ability to pander to those who need pandering come in part from her. Eileen, without you I would not be the writer I am, and so much more. Mrs. Moore, something along the lines of survival and attention, but thank you none the less. Sex - Toni, Jenai, Mcat, Cait, Carrie, Vanessa. Without any of you, I would have nothing. Meghan, the value of sports. This is an incomplete list - Johanna, bikes! Ah, shit! Bikes! Aviva, to be a teacher and learn deeper value and patience. Nancy & Shelly, yoga, I thank you deeply. Maria & Mandy, body image.

that is significant. those are people who have gone millions of miles to shape me, knowingly & unknowingly. Each one of those amazing women(and womyn) have moved me miles -- fuck. where do i put ace? -- people are so much more than just bodies of different physical appearance.
I want to run my foot through with a hot poker.

towards a world free of opression.

i really want to re-write the way my brain works - im working on it. I am!

demetrius

i wonder why sleep is so elusive.

and i mean, im feeling the drop in my eyelids

so why arent i in bed? cause the box is a magnet and im stuck.

fuck.

rain. tis a beautiful thing, a rather moving thing. an eye opener, a shocker. rather inspiring and slippery. the tar blackens and the grass greens, duck gets soaked and i cut through puddles smoothly, the hiss of rubber squeezing water and pavement together, im wet. im loving it and soaking in the chill with the moisture. accepting realizations movie like, settling in to mistakes and sadness. not knowing why. not knowing why.

understanding moves me, only when i understand, hating people pushing thier views on others, knowing i do the same, combatting thought patterns laced with supremacy and really trying to understand and speak in a language that is mine, my language and my words.

to understand what is mine, if anything. time is moving slower, if i want anything. and i do. i want myself. i want myself to understand myself.


i had to give the cliche some space to breathe before i pointed it out.

2:37am start
strikes me as a normal time to be reading and replying to emails
strikes me that i am missing more sunrises than worth it
strikes me that i am letting more sunsets pass by as words burn through computer code and i absorb fact after fact about india
strikes me like the light shining through tree branches covered in ice, highlighted siloutted and moving like darkness
strikes me like myself moving so fast that my feet are touching nothing but the ground and reflection happens minutes before i sleep or make love and i think why the fuck has time for myself disappeared been co-opted by schoolwork research and distractions that are just distractions
strikes me that my application for an indian visa serves as more motivation than food sunrises sunsets and at moments, love
strikes me that i have no idea what love is
strikes me that i still love you
strikes me that i still love you
strikes me that i never stopped
strikes me that if i let you read this you might be afraid or it might be too much
strikes me hard

upper west side 90th and amsterdam ave, tofu cream cheese pumperknickel bagel cold rain side walks 9am indian embassy another bagel a cup of coffee another bagel another cup of coffee

the day begins and i am carried along effortless in the movement of the city, by the movement in this dull life throbs like car horns in my ears and burns like cigarette smoke in my eyes or sits delicious like faux pork chops or wheat gluten that tastes like beef

2:44am breathe

negativity i want to dine with you without recreating patterns of parasitism
i want to see you and smile without repeatition creeping
i want to be honest with out fearor fearlessly honest.

2pm rolls around like lentils on my tongue burning chunks of potatoe warm my belly but fingers are cold clutching the plastic mug like saving one cup will free me from this addiction, 3.50 for lunch and i stand in the rain watching cabs and bikes go by wondering about the possibility in a bag of carrots or the meaning in soy milk as a topping. fuck the deputy iraqi ambassador. fuck spelling and fuck elections. ill pretend for 20 minutes and think about my future as a lawyer, pro-bono, except for assholes.

i write future and you flash like freedom before me i know and knew it and hate it and love it but fear it most of all and know that these words are too much but if im going to be honest with out fear or fearlessly honest i need to start now by not rereading this email and just clicking send.

2:53am end
demetrius

ps. i reread it for spelling and grammar

"Before I ever knew anything of politics in my early youth, I dreamt the dream of communal unity of the heart," Mahatma Ghandi

Now, i dont really know enough about ghandi to be quoting him, but that just moved me.

he goes on to talk about pakistan and india and the partition.