So, to make this brief(though i undoubtedly fail miserably at

brievity)



In about 2 hours I leave for Nicaragua. Excited! 11 days of

travelling the country, working with farmers, learning about how Fair

Trade works on the ground, networking with other american activists,

and taking deep breaths of central american air. 



I got home from the ISE and living in a tent for 2 months about 3

days ago. Being home for 3/4 days is really nothing. Its funny, to

think that this time last year I was running around the streets of

Montreal protesting the WTO then going home to get ready for Europe,

now I'm off to Nicaragua to work with Fair Trade farmers then home to

protest the republicans in nyc at the end of the month(beth, anne,

and anyone else who might think that ridiculous i offer only polite

and insincere apologies). 



Life is good. http://red.eggplantmedia.com/~arthur/gallery/the-night-in-which-all-beers-are-open

 

that link will take you to some photos from the ISE in vermont, all

day learning political theory, all night dancing. Balance was

achieved. 



with love, hugs, open arms, hope, and happiness

demetrius   

china, nicaragua, india, mahwah - exotic places i know.

hopefully ill be in three of the 4 next year. but we will see.

ai

d

just to let everyone know, i am drunk and i intend to drink more tequilla before the evening is over.

ai


d


nicaragua?

china?

chaos?

rar.

is that significant enough to describe my feelings right now? torn up like a dog toy. worn through like an old sock. disregarded like the maid. disrespected like the trans warrior.

like an inspired spark from the campfire freed by the wind, carried over the pond, i burn up over the water and disintegrate into the rippling pool of midnight ink. both sides of me exist simultaneously, the tension between is debilitating, and my heart almosts bursts while my mind burns out on the hamster wheel.

campfire coals burn low, i am the begining and the end. love rages like a wildfire, intuitively guided by the winds, moving swiftly along the ridge line, cresting as i climax then crashing, tumbling, rolling, cascading down the mountain consuming every organism in my path with an unquenchable hunger.

for?

flesh, to sate carnal desires roaring in my groin, flashing in my mind.

now to dissect and anazlye each of those longings, to learn why. due to my confusion, i cant just accept actions for action, i need to have background, which is ridiculous because often, i act strongly on emotional impulses. are they justified in this territory?

lost like a 6 month pup, whimpering, crouching in the brush during a thunderstorm, with paindrops breaking through, leeching the warmth out of me, releasing it indiscriminately, scattered to the wind my warm kindness is. I sit quietly contemplating the hum of chewbacca keeping the machines in line, using technology to create and express not exploit and opress, but is that ok? or am i justifying bullshit? adding rationale to something that should not be rationalized. does anyone else feel this? does anyone say anything? and how can i share this with you, when i dont know if you are one of them. you know, those, the ones who layed the torment on thick like spackle between each aspect of socialization, finalizing the control mechanism and capitalization of my life.

more than anything i want honest and willing association.

repetition: debilitation.

struggle. can that word be used legitimately here? in the belly of the post colonialist beast, i writhe from the acrid fumes of rotting compost, ignored, not turned nor mixed with grass clippings to expediate the transformation process. with language so nuanced and misused i doubt truth when i hear those words. i hate that. but simultaneously, Fuck simultaneously/duality and limited understanding. im going to bed. Fuck you.

asking questions again. trying to decipher what my actions mean and why they happened. last night was fun, driven by multiple forms of contact dancing, tag, sardines, theatre sports, an animal game, and break dancing lessons. those activities were sadly numbed by the drinking, campfire, and jam session that lasted all evening long. Although, the combination of music, games, a full moon, and the eclectic array of people created a wonderful environment, an overall good time.
confusion over desire, actions, impressions and interactions. lust, laying thick in my blood, was drawn up by the moon, moving in me to move me sensitivly, aggressivly, jealously, like a human. disrespectful too. anger at rejection. lack of understanding. sadness. what rejection? You've made nothing obvious. shyness. fear.
todays personals were hilarious, its funny how they can be so pleasantly perfect thus given weight; yet when not they are discarded. lovingly fickle. its honest in a way, a delusional way. its maintaining an intentionally fuzzy reality. at times i think im so fucking ugly it doesnt matter. and that maybe i should just smash my skull in and be done with it.
other times i smile and have love for myself; knowing that i am living in each moment, creating, expanding, fulfilling nascent potentialites within me thus not being a slug, not letting thorns in my sole slow me down, not letting rain put out my fire, not letting broken dishes reasonate like shockwaves of earthquakes and create landscapes i cant manage.
what presses against me is the knowledge that our powers and abilities will wither, rot, and die like cucumber plants in direct sunlight.
i think im fine, i think im smiling, im attempting to not worry, just live; like life is an orchard during first blossom. so i stroll, picking and choosing the flowers i fancy and sticking them behind my ears.

lsumber party under torrential downpour the smeel of sleep & sweat permeates the room i awake and smile hoping that existing group dynamics are as dynamic as existence