12:11pm on friday march 19th. almost one year to the day of the invasion of iraq, the shock and awe campaign, blockading route 4, getting arrested, and waking up not knowing what world i live in anymore.

i guess thats not all too bad.

the learning process that has come out of it has been fantastic. ive meet wonderful people worldwide and had more life changing experiences than i could count on all my freckles and concentrations of melinoma in my skin.

ive got to go. class is over and tomorrow we take to the streets.

fuck this system.

lets tear it down.

d

i wonder if the chalk stains on my fingers mean anything?

does the fact that the stains have faded to nothing but dry skins mean anything?

does it show an intrest, a willingness, a spark, a flicker of hope prior to death~like an idea?

after montreal and miamii seriously began to question violence - my use of it, its place in our movement, the people who use it, and this violent system - and i thought i had an answer around early december of last year. but i didnt, what i had was just a thought being born. tonight i gave birth.

after a verbally violent interaction with a security guard and will talking to me about it - my idea became active, became alive - i saw the violence that we live everyday and i saw how i am participating in it. how my actions, my violent actions accelerated the situation with the security guard and if i had not been violent, had not been cocky, or egotistical there would of been no problem. but that carries with it much more than that sentence.

i dont know.

we live in a violent system in which every interactiong within this system is tainted with violence. there are interactions that have very little to no violence and then there is murder in all it's forms. trying to be non-violent is like trying to suppress emotions instinct.

im way too fucking tired to be writing abou this. but put simply, i saw how violent the system is tonight. and how i contribute to it and most importantly, how i need to bust my ass to change it.

d

im too tired to really go deep. but my day was fantastic, i think im getting sick, new job training was like eating cake from a dumpster, practiced yoga, and had a huge long ball fight, which got out of hand, out of hand indeed.

ok so basically my friend Mcat is some type of sexual genius goddess and she has all the answers, following convo helped to open up my mind and put me at ease.

inimitable22: so what's new with you
kussmischnell: making out with ramapo peeps is new with me
inimitable22: *laughs* not bad
kussmischnell: yeah
kussmischnell: well
kussmischnell: i dont know
kussmischnell: she, (name deleted to protect the innocent), is in RCORE
kussmischnell: could be bad
inimitable22: mmm... i had a "could be bad" makeout session the other day too
kussmischnell: yeah there a good chunk of the feelings dropped tonight
inimitable22: mmm... i think society needs to ditch the idea that sex HAS to be about something more than pleasure
inimitable22: hehe
kussmischnell: word
kussmischnell: its hard though, cause im on that fine line of being like - ok - i want to fuck you and make out and the like - but i feel like im using you for it.
inimitable22: what, girls don't like sex?
inimitable22: why isn't she using you?
inimitable22: or maybe she is, and if you're using each other for mutual pleasure then why is it wrong?
kussmischnell: i love you more than you'll ever know

not all concerns have been address, but honestly the biggies have and i feel good. like why shouldnt i? oh right the 5 pg paper due yesterday. but ive been exposed to fantastic new music. and sprinf break is in the near future and i can look forward to a week of sleeping on the floor and cooking meals for the group and working for 8 hours a day swinging a hammer ! fuck yeah. i doubt life ever gets better than that except when you are ten or younger and watching some people fish up at bear swamp lake and the men have a woman carry the dead fish around. fucking wierd right? i need to go back to that lake to see what it is like now.

but for now im going to sleep, without showering and without airing out my room so the smell, the stink, the effluvia of sweat lingers.

hm. being involved in an international car theft ring would be exciting wouldnt it? probably no more exciting than taking the reigns of my own life and driving recklessly over unexplored terrain.

its sunday. which means little really - BAN meeting, work tomorrow, hmwk today, possible unspoken possibilities to think about.

i feel good. there is organic cheese in my house, expired, and no one else is eating so ive been working it slowly into my diet a bit at a time, its odd. and wierd and i dont know that if when i finish with the cheese in the house whether or not ill be able to stop or will i want more. guh. hm. i dont want that.

a history of dissent. inspiration and a rejection of the socialization that has happened to me. i struggle with walking down the street and the thoughts my mind screams at me. how do i control them without censoring my self, how do i appreciate without abusing? where is the line to walk finely? and how far does it go?

ive been thinking about self identity. and i think, that although it doesnt really make a difference to anyone but myself, that i might identify as queer. as someone who is attracted to anyone and who does not allow society's definition of what gender is to define their own gender. indeed. although the label is a very superficial thing and probably totally unimportant, i like it. when it comes down to the coffee grinds at the bottom of your cup i am demetrius and will always be no matter the title or label you put on me or i put on me.

hm.

hm.

hm.

ive got write a bunch of shit today for school, FUCK THAT.

rar.

i should get cracking.

and hey, it was real fun hanging out with lauren last night - she opens up and becomes progressively more fun as time goes on and thats great. its always odd because i expect that people should be exactly like me and i tend to reject those who arent, until given a chance and then viola! they are their own beautiful people and im left feeling humbled and sore from the new growth that has just occurred - tis a beautiful thing.

o.0 and i got a bit of my hormones under control. that deserves a baked cake mind you. a very large baked cake indeed.

i use the word indeed a lot. i think ill look for a new word now or maybe just expand my vocab to include many words, many words that would be appropiate for the situation at hand. yes, i like that idea best, i like that idea best by far.

hm and i dream of far off places and adventures yet to be had.

ai

d

hm

so the fact ive got a new watcher makes me want to update more regularly - nothing but positive.

busy busy busy busy

i remember watching a greek family practice docking a boat while on crete. feeding the fishes with remants of my lunch. staring at old templar knight ruins. the huge tanker ships with unknown flags flying on them. how tempting the water looked and how dirty my ass was. the high school behind me and greek kids pulling in and out of the lot during thier lunch break and mine.

those memories are beautiful. i can feel that sun on my soul right now. i get goosebumps and my eyes squint as if the sun was shining on me.

march 20th draws near as memories of last spring converge upon me along with people and moments of the past. recurring issues and my rampant sexuality still get me into trouble yet i embrace these situations, hoping that the answer is just behind that elastic band or stuck between my teeth like that pubic hair, but i know they are not and i know that they will never be, whether her, him, or zed. i dont think the answers lie in sex.

all this makes me want to cut my dick off, stick hot pokers in my eyes, and burn my skin so that i can no longer feel. cause no matter what i say, the temptation of sweat will always be there. the allure of the push and thrust lingers in my memory, the faint moaning octaves remind me of how fun it is as i compare the laundry list of self destructive behaviors.

and to think i didnt at all mention the beauty of curves.

i must be losing my touch.

the moon moves in and out fullness as i pass to and fro waivering on the border of self control but never really grasping it all, hoping that the next adventure action chance will pull/push something out of me which will confer immediate change upon my life.

god i want to break things

i hate being a man and i hate all things men in this society stand for.

mustard seeds can move mountains. the struggle continues.

i need to write letters to financial aid officers and smash things. soon.

joey will be in town on the 20th, yay yay yay. that makes me happy indeed.

van and i have made contact. i cant control my emotions. i dont know how to look at her or talk to her and be controlled or not let the self defence machine kick into high gear. my honesty sucks when im around her or it comes off like fucking shotgun at all the wrong times. the parking lot awaits dead cars peace and quiet at 8:45 except for the lone straggler being late, but enjoying the sunshine as ze strolls up the hill and thinks "it is only class, i would learn so much more from finding a new person to befriend and ask questions of"

i want to be in colorado, sipping tea on hardwood floors, talking about beans and permaculture, reading in tree forts and taking long naps on city lawns dreaming of quitting time so that i can look dreamily in the eyes of the goddess incarnate and wonder what answers she holds. knowing that the endless curls of her hair match her dress and i cant keep my eyes or my heart off of either. lets not talk about the secret passage way to enlightenment. those lips of fresh strawberry pulp, warm like vegan muffins sweet like maple syrup but free of the guilt of eating cash crops, and with each kiss knowledge passes between us making me smile making me dream and making write and mail letters on time.

i wonder why everything cant be this compelling and then i think that if i am not pursuing what compells me, then what the fuck am i doing?

with love

d

wow.

so its been awhile - ive got wind from the world that two people peruse this blog on occasion - how dangerous for me to proceed honestly and openly. i do hope that i can. its funny or ironic how knowing that people read this makes me want to update more.

fear.

worry.

happiness.

hope.

love.

confusion.

rage.

anger.

spirituality.

ive been feeling alot lately, thinking about budapest and europe in general, about walking, about travelling, about being free.

sigh.

o. i just dont know. i've felt like an emotionless zombie for weeks and tonight i exploded, left the house crying and walked into the darkness till i found an old fort from my childhood and sat on the cold wet gorund and cried, talking to myself, holding myself, and trying to be honest with myself. thats the hardest part, being honest with me. the body lies to the mind and vice versa. i really dont know what to do.

im going to get writing again.

today was beautiful the sun shined strong all day allowing me to walk around barefoot for a while and lay in warmth on the hill overlooking the filled commuter lot. gaea was so beautiful today, i watched birds and tops of trees, i looked for nests and saw the turkeys this morning. the ground was soft and spongy not cold and hard. i walked up the hill into class with a smile one my face and bounce in my step. urbiel asked how i felt and i said fantastic, especially after the work done this weekend(formation of NEMA and the cooking) but once class got going i became so agitated at the normal things: no one was participating freely, urbiel was pulling teeth to get answers and then stopped me from answering. that is so frustrating. i hate siting and knowing the answer and not offering it. i need to learn patience, sure. but what am i supposed to do when no one offers anything? sit quietly by the wayside as class time ticks away? fuck no. thats ludicrous. i dont want to be the dominating white male but when no one else offers, how am i supposed to fix that. busted, i used "fix that" like its my problem, like i must take on the responsibility to solve the problem, right the wrongs, fix what is broken, yeah broken because my white ass broke it. im going to try and not speak on thursday, unless spoken too. and I'll do this in all my classes, work, and social interactions. as an experiment. thursday is a good day because i feel very confident about my knowledge in those classes. so ill deprive myself of the role i play and see how it feels. interesting i like it.

i jumped into the hidden, undiscovered secret pond to quickly, i didnt test the water for leeches, or too see if it was too hot or too cold, i hesitated not to throw my whole body at it anticipating the embrace of liquid clothes and rejuvination. the water was too cold. the leeches bit hard and sucked me dry. i crawled from the pool bleeding, im walking away leaving a trail of blood in the woods as the sun sets quickly infront of me.

i fucked up. my language choice was poor. and i opened up too much, did i? i tried, two weekends ago to figure out how i would fit into the box society was offering me and i couldt get my legs over the edge and was left dangling over as the box rose up high for scrutiny by the jury and it tipped me out onto the dusty plain i was on prior to that weekend, alone, striding over the brush and cracked soil anticipating the oncoming dry spell like sweet relief from the icy water of that pond.

van is at my school. we knew each others presence a few times, i've attempted contact to at least build a skeletal structure of a bridge in order to have cordial relations so that the future holds no nasty suprises in the shape of angry scorpio goddess.

classes suck. no shock. i long horribly for the travel. soon boy, soon. have faith and trust in the patience. ghana, cambodia, the ISE or china loom brightly in the horizon.

i miss the gang from europe. still. i hope that i can cross thier paths in the future.

the moon is just pass half and im an emotional wreck.

with love, light, and revolution -
d