so here i am in budapest, hungary. never thought i would end up at this pouint in my life. the longing for home has hit pretty hard. and by pretty hard i mean like a ton of bricks. i miss everything about home, like my house, my room, my bed, my friends, cooking, the woods, the love and good vibes that exist at home and no where else.

the city of budapest is beautiful. magnificent and stunning. today the sun shining and the people are out and world is welcoming us all to come and enjoy what wonders it has to offer. im ready to facwe this new day. im ready to meet new challeneges and excvel at them. i could give a shit about the past, cause i know the past and i know everything it means. now its our turn, my turn to write history and i fucking intend to.

with love
d

rain. the first real rain ive been caught in since i left home. i love the rain. i love dancing in the rain gettgin wet singing songs to myself about nothing and feeling the rain make its sweet sweet love to my skin by covering every exposed inch of my fleshwith its soft warm sugary touch. invigorating stimulating and inspiring the world needs more rain, especially in south africa where due to some extreme changes in world wide weather patterns due to the increas of global warming thanks to the reluctance of most countries to beginto take measures to rudece the harmful emissions of thier factories, power plants, cars, and machines.

im not lying about thing here. ive been seeing it everywhere i go. and hearing about from everyone else as i go there. new jersey had its wetest june in memory while when i go to south africa its summer is dry as a dessert when it is supposed to be wetter than a fresh watermelon. i dont know about the european patterns but i should be asking and ill try to. but this is scary and real. and no on else seems tyo be acknowledgint the fact. so carpool, drive less, and bike more, walk, take mass transportation when possbile, turn off your air conditioner in your car and in your home, plant as many plants as you can. just keep doing it and dont stop cause opne day there will be no more plants and too many cars and nothing left but concrete and steel. notyhing to play in, nothing to love in, nothing to laugh in, notihing to take and to remake into new and unfounded images, no challenges left for humantiy but to save itself from itself. can we do that? i hope so cause if we dont its over and its over fast.

uplifting cheery, thats how i should be acting after the dreams ive been having. last nights was one about pure joy, rapture, group happiness, and unbridled joy at the begining of new adventure. i woke up smiling and went to be smiling after another amazing latye night kitchen conversation over tea. with another beautiful person, first tanya, the 4th year university student from canada whonhas been working on anti globalization projects since she was at least 16, wehn that was when she went to nepal and put together a book about the lives of children factory workers. ahem. man do i feel as if i am doing nothing but wasting my time some days. but we both agreed that this tiem in our lives is one of personal freedom and exploration accepting the fact that we cannot do everythinhg we want to do, and me especially being that i am moving so rapidly, so i can improve myself as much as i can in my power, get some banging grades so that the old people will finance my globe trotting for as long as possibly and come back to america with some new views some new ideas some new experriences so that when i have a chance to kick some ass i can, keeping the challenging of freeing both my self and the rest of world balanced on the same plate and in the same time fram until the day comes that i can longer breath life into what i touch or into who i talk to or until the people that i meet can no longer breathe life into me. this is where i am right now. why fret about it? accept it and kick some serious ass.

word.

human i feel much better about myself after that little bit o' typin.

with love

d

ok

so its been more than a month now and im still alive, at last count ive been to over 15 cities and nover 10 countries since i left home and my head has yet to calm down, but not like i really wanted it too. life would be boring if everything made sense to me. but maybe i am duping myself. maybe i am just accepting my first reaction to things with out thinking about what is really going on.

i am building a set of beliefs around myself from which i will launch my opinion at the rest of the world or at least myself.

that makes me uncomfortable, the last thing i want to be is a person with a set of rules and beliefs that are unflexible. but maybe i already am and i dont know it. maybe i dont care and i am wasting time thinking about banal shit. maybe im not. maybe it doesnt really matter .

i saw a guy get robbed today. i didnt say anything. it was scary to watch. really scary.

i didnt do anything and im not sure if i should of. i can justify a hundred ways why i let him get robbed but the most important is that i was afraid for myself. i was afraid that i would get beat up or abuse or robbed or anything for that matter. i saved the rest of my group from getting robbed. and thats all well and good but what am i supposed to do? try to right everywrong out there? and what about right now? im not righting anywrongs at all. im being a fucking turd. minutes like this i really detest who i am and what i am doing. but i cant change the situation and i am getting stuff out of this that mainstream society thinks is useful i am not subverting shit, i am not breaking down existing barriers to control and suffering and i am not being a fucking human being. or maybe i am. i am challeneging myself to take up new tasks that i have yet to do. completing homework assignments and doign reading but i am just programming myself to do more of this in the future or am i bettering myself? i dont know.


i think i might be programming myself here

i think that my parents who expect positive results from this will demand such results of be dissapointed in me and i will be disapointed in myself

and thats crap.

so i choose to challenge myself in these ways
accept the programming but alter it so that i do not have to worry about the crap

i can function without being a slave. can i?

i saw a bear on a leash today. i screamed.

most of the group ran up and looked at it, took pictures, giggled and enjoyed the spectacle. i tried to not cut the leash and let the bear run free, but then where would it go.

that was just a minor manifestation of the horrors one sees daily, that an outright blatant disregard for life, then there are the more vicious and subtle destructions of life.
im just going to try to fight what i can and not die in the process.

with love

d