I feel amazing. Or torn. Im not/never sure.

Its morning. Its gray. The clouds and fog dominate the landscape and I hide in my kitchen with the door open, hood pulled over my head, coffee at my side and feet rocking back and forth to generate heat.

Im nervous. Today I am going to get tested, get probed and prodded, examined to see if I harbor any possible infections. Im still nervous. Confronting it head on doesnt alleviate my fears or assuage my concerns. Im going to be ok, but Im still nervous.

Ive been cleaning my kitchen obsessively, reading, cooking and daydreaming incessantly and almost pacing, clawing, pawing at the walls waiting. Its this constant state of waiting that challenges me. Days wide open like canvasses and I am forced to fill them.

I try writing, reading, cooking, cleaning and eating but thats not enough. Too short, too little. I need more. Children screaming next door. It fills the house with an amazing chorus of little voices screeching and you cant complain cause its kids, not adults, its kids being amazing kids.

Kids are amazing. Their sense of wonder, their power, innocence and curiosity are all things I admire and wish to replicate in my own life. To kids!

Mornings! Filled with sunshine, eggs and greens, toast, teeth brushing parties, screaming children from the school down the block, open doors, tea and coffee.

Days! Filled with cleaning, cooking, working, biking, walking around the city, grocery shopping, banking, pooping, coffee drinking, plotting, planning, scheming and daydreaming.

Nights! Bikes, beer, whiskey, wine, dinners, loving, moons, stars, headlights, cars, kisses, touching, warmth, melted butter and whispers.

Yay!

woah.

giving out of candy to youngsters/whiskey/walruses/jackie o./inspectorgadget/BEER/handcuffs/dancing