consistant stirrings of a similar deja-vu: writing an email to someone, usually a dark haired woman, whom i am just getting to know and while reading it, this sense of carrying something pink and heavy down a long long hill comes over me, then i immediately go to which ever online dairy im using and jot it down. maybe this is the first time its happened, maybe the 3rd. Here is the email:

Marci -

A guitar, skillfully wielded by Solimon, sends bright yet sadly hopeful chords drifting through the schoolhouse; Emma paces nervously, waiting for the Canadian election results; and I sit here, exhausted. Today, classes began for the Remaking Society program. Lectures mixed with discussion for hours on social ecology and the base of capitalism wilt my brain; baking a chocolate birthday cake(vegan!) topping it with peanut butter icing & fresh strawberries has me all tuckered out. Multiple readings still remain before tomorrow and then hopefully some journalling will happen. All a vain attempt at comprehending what has been bombarding me the past three days.
Guadalajara sounds excellent. Why are you there? Solidarity work for the
arrestees/detainees/disappeared from the recent mobilization around The Third
Summit of Governments and Heads of State of Latin America, the Caribbean and
the European Union? Or just to explore? Mayhaps something more fascinating?
I dont mind compliments, often times they induce blushing, pleasurable
wiggling, or verbal tripping. That day at Staples, a bout of identity politics driven white male guilt had overcome me. I desired madly to be invisible, almost. To not be who I am, to not be different than anyone else; a day of self-deprication not adoration. Though I'm not entirely sure I understand those feelings.
My condolences for your dog and my wishes/hopes for a fast and complete
recovery to your mother. That sounds impersonal, but those words are most
accurate. Parting the fog of daily reality pain, grief, fear, and loss often
afford us brief glimpses at obscured lessons and messages. What were yours? Why
did they lead to Guadalajara? And what doors have been opened since then?
Dregs of english breakfast tea remind me that I've got reading to finish. Good luck in California. When we find ourselves in jersey simultaneously, sharing talk over hot tea strikes me in a pleasurable way.

with hugs, hope, and happiness
demetrius

Me? A sex educator?

sex. sexuality. being sexually empowered and sexually powerful. where does that come from? Where does it come from in me? And how can i share that with other people? I am continually amazed when i discover another woman who is not sexually confident and able to please themselves. It keeps happening and its mad fucked up. It often happens with women who i find attractive but who are not 'attractive' to the media. that brainwashing is far reaching it makes me fucking nasueous.
The brainwashing sinks into all of us.

anticipation. nervous. excitement. desire. hope. impatience.

carrie could show anyday now and i might explode when she does, im so nervous of her being here and us not being able to have good conversations or me being silly, introverted, and preventing my brain from functioning properly. gah. i really want to see her and hug her and talk and walk and play and just relax and listen and learn.
its funny how the people who are such inspirations to you can be so hard to talk to at times, i guess there is a bit of celebrity-esque pressure created, fawning, fan syndrome and so on. realizing their humanity is important, their realness, their faults and weaknesses not to elevate yourself but to appreciate and learn to love their humanity as you love your own. there is no perfect human being or perfect reality, everything is a constant challenge and growth cycle.

my pasta is cooking. im going to read.

ai

d

Taken from the mission statement of the Bergen Action Network.

It is the aim of the Bergen Action Network to recognize and develop the vast potential inherent among the young towards the creation of a broad, grassroots, youth-based network (Sadly, we are no longer youth based. There are forces within the Bergen Action Network that hold unreasonable amounts of influence. While, in numbers we may be 'youth based' we are no longer 'youth based', unless you consider having a group of youth be politically molded by those cresting the time of life known as youth. The youth in the organization are most often overly influenced by those cresting into adulthood. If 'youth based' means that the goals, actions, and processes of political creation that keep the BAN fire burning are collectively organized by youth then we are moving away from that position. If by 'youth based' you mean having our numbers be youth, but having the sway be older, then that is what we are) capable of serving as an outlet for political expression and a catalyst for radical social change. (Radical social change would be addressing the root of the problem: capitalism, more specifically american stlye liberal democracy with neo-liberal global eonomies. As an organization the Bergen Action Network is fully entrenched within the capitalist system thus creates a tie between political activism and cash, a tie that need not exist. Positions taken by BAN are not always geared toward creating 'radical social change.' For example not agreeing to support the DNC protests in Boston. For example supporting the harvesting of a cash crop thus simply painting a pretty face on economic imperialism. For example consistently putting issues of gender, race, and class on the back burner to pursue other projects. For example supporting legislative efforts and working with representatives from Bergen County. BAN is not radical.)

We are dedicated to maintaining a specific emphasis upon the youth of Bergen County, New Jersey and to operating as a decentralized, nonhierarchical organization. (Recently the decentralized aspect of our mission has blossomed strongly, it is an exciting turn of events. However, there is an established hierarchy in the BAN. This is unfortunate, the hierachy is one of skills reinforced with patriarchy and paternalism. Skill hierarchies are not always negative as long as the skills are being constanly spread and shared. The skill hierarchy also presents a problem when the person(s) at the top decide what skills are to be used and thus disseminated. That control on tactics can be constricting. The exisiting skill hierarchy has carved deep paths in the psyche of BAN causing new skills and tactics to be looked over, dismissed, ignored, and, at times, flat out rejected by the top of the skill hierarchy. To maintain a 'non-hierarchal organization' there must be no hierarchy, this is not case. The existing hierarchy must be removed.)

Question/need/demand/desire

So, ive been doing ecological design work for the past three weeks and my desire to read a city in history by lewis mumford grows daily. Do any of y'all still have a copy that i could borrow? Also, a book recomendation for everyone is: A Pattern Language: Towns-Buildings-Construction. It talks about patterns of interaction in many levels of out lives and is enthralling.
On another note, Vermont in the summer is wonderful, im situated on a camping platform overlooking the pond on campus and the nearby horse farm(anne i think of you every morning when i greet the horses). This program is over tomorrow and im home for two days and then back for a week of relaxtion and gardening before the political theory heavy program starts. Its amazing the level of context that our trip has allowed me to put political concepts and realities in - especially here - this comes up daily and i cant help but recall incidents of our adventures.
Anyone who wants to get away from where-ever should visit - its paradise up here. its also free to stay with cheap meals and nothing to do but relax, or sit in on a class or help with building the barn, or help in the garden or hike in the woods, and on and
on...and the people are amazing. there is a level of critical thinking and analysis that i've never run across in progress political communities(in any political community) before - divirgent views are accepted and encouraged just to keep the dinner table debates lively. learning is a constant process, from sun up to sun down.

ok - much love, hope, and happiness to all im off to finish my final project (forest management plan!!!)

its funny to realize what a fucking piece of shit i am sometimes. but problems identified can become problems solved, right?

she was beautiful. seeing the light of day after a night of darkness and warm satisfaction. layering bodies like words searching for the combination that creates exclamations of passion without stops for punctuation. minutes after sundown spirituality was in the woods, with gender on the logging road, and organizing at the picnic table. shouting sex and mushrooms for all the post-fordist anti-capitalists to hear, we dashed off into the night finding refuge in the unused view of the mountains becoming oxegeyn birthing stars. minutes after midnight we cheered together screaming at the top of our lungs on the top of a half finished barn that means nothing to nobody but everything for us in that movement. we rise ours after sunrise radiating heat like freshly baked bed, sharing goodbyes while fastly cooling in the rain.

two performances in three days i better get my blood pumping, my words running hot like smelting iron, and my tongue loose like the bowels of hung man.

there are 4 more nights left in this program, three more days until the final project is due, and then a weeks worth of break until remaking society begins. oh excitement. but the normal feeling of not wanting to finish what i started, the final project looms, im going to have to get working on it tonight. then figure out some way of mapping out part of the forest.

last night was spent with cha-cha, a radical cheerleader and organizer from mass. she was at the march for women's lives and we shook our butts together then thus creating a hilarious connection which was re-invigorated yesterday. its wonderful meeting wonderful passionate, powerful people who inspire you to keep fighting. hell yeah. good times good times good times. there really is such a small number of us its nice to meet people face to face and make those connections. so yeah, life is good. the traditional lazy bug has got my pants but i will make efforts to dislodge the fucker.

homesickness has come in with the third week and will be going out with the fourth or fifth. its funny that ill be spending almost two more months here. amazing. life is so good somedays.

ive got some sunburn and an amazing farmers tan. not to mention dirty feet and hands. plus tons of knowledge about gardens, plants, and trees. i cant wait to get my own land and plant some fucking beans.

smile, love, share, hug. in hope and happiness.

d

crazy dreams of kitchens, cooking, blenders, danielle & emma. and that feeling when you wake up of being jolted out of one reality and forced into another.

i think it was the dairy.

with my consumption of non-local dairy last night i feel like poo, mentally, for doing so. consumption of local dairy, the practices being more humane & personal, in addition to supporting local agriculture, is understandable. i dont plan to do so on a wide scale anytime soon but i can see why others would.

gift giving. seeing the gifts shared in last nights movie brought on tears with simultaneous thoughts of wanting to give gifts. gifts with meaning, emotion, and power. gifts that demonstrate a willingness on my part to sacrificeand share with others.

dogville.

thought provoking. disturbing. disturbing. disturbing. fucked up. really fucked up. really really really fucked up.

tired. alienated. uninspired. overwhelmed. fat. lazy. overworked. underplayed. unloved. seriously distant from everyone else because of my philosophical dietary restrictions. seriously removed. I find that shocking almost. Especially when people here are eating meat, knowing full well(do they?) about the environmental impacts of its production.

anger rising.

fine, accepted and embraced. loved and appreciated, even.

questioning my response. enjoying it fully. but feeling that it might led me down paths that are not at all constructive(this thought occured earlier).

questioning others. why? insipirations? changes in thought? reasons? to familiarize myself with the whole community and their reasons for doing what they do because in addition to feeling alienated i feel as if i am preventing sully and emma from cooking food they want to cook and blocking others from having options they want to have.

sadness. problem. solvable. relief? fear/hesitation/self-questioning/desire/anger

Human.

its obvious my struggle is self acceptance. or at least thats the biggest one.

ai

d

the disconnect settles in slowly. home, job, school all drift away. the people who i know and love are no longer at my fingertips, they are now miles away existing only in bits of data and ink on paper. thats fine i guess.

my sadness at the loneliness of the present will pass in time and i then shall rise. the rain falls softly for hours washing away all traces of the past, leaving blank pages for new creation.

breathe. always remember to breathe.


ai

d