there is something about soemthing that i dont understand. at all.

i am pleasantly alone. now the night air is thick and warm, now i am alone, now outside, now with out you, now, and ill never know now.

genes and red hair are crazy things to think about and the things that brunettes do to me too. not to mention my concerns of not having blond haired children. this is going to be a problem but im not worried, the bugs are massing around the glow of my computer screen as i lay outside enjoying the freedom of wireless but stuck to the ground to the box and i sit here typing thinking walking enjoying indian food and kingfisher beer with new old friends thinking about time again. time and time again wondering about summer and zip codes thank god for the postal service and subtle reminders but im afraid of writing a letter cause we dont interact like that and what i like about letters is the control factor that i dont have there already is an understanding of who i am in this relationship no mystery or suprises, but smiles all the same and wait cmon i dont know what im talking about cause i keep learning things, i keep gaining things, i keep smiling. i am still challenged. but fearful always fearful.

newness its drug aspects and enticing moments, hard to let go of, can i? do i want to? will i?

i kind of want to get fired cause im looking for freedom and short term engagements. god the office.

asking questions about whether or not a friendship is worth especially after apologies is never easy i dont if i can really do it, i dont know if i want it. im talking about anything worthwhile and i had such good thoughts today. good strong critical and connecting i might be intellectually and analytically drained from the evening with emily. that girl can fucking talk, and she shocked me not with her words but with her experiences. im continually amazed at the range of histories that people have, gosh. it was wierd hanging out with her cause i was thinking of kate and being like hmmm, because im attracted to emily but seriously contemplating kate and confused. and i know how i feel when im not the only star in the sky. like red dwarf, ignored and alone. my current long goodbye partner makes me smile laugh and do silly things that i havent done in ages. with our footing resting firmly on ice keeping the pressure light might be very wise. so midnights capped with k shall remain and i cant wait till she is back cause i miss her already.

its early and late, im going to sleep.


ai
d

i am so not interested in doing work right now.

why?

maybe the lack of sleep, maybe some other insanity, maybe the bad coffee.

looking for flights to ghana transports me back to other hot weather in different hemispheres where different languages grace my ear.

searching, clicking, guessing, hoping, not knowing, dukes of hazzard zipping across the screen. rain drops falling, zits popping, relief, over time, escape.

SCARED.

the larger the better, or not, it was accidental though fitting, i cancelled, i was nervous, i didnt know, i dont know, i still dont know, i fell back on something in my head that aint necessarily a reality. dangerous. but distancing and not ok. im going to hold though. answering vaguely as necessary for protection.

so i am breathing hanging tight lightly moving slowly and enjoying everything that i can. i look forward to what is to come. bring me music and light, bring me fear and sweet nights, bring me everything you have because my lines are wavering, im attempting to let the definitions shift, the boundaries blur and the old battle lines, predrawn in anticipation, be moved to new fields, not yet planted, or old fields, that are too firmly entrenched, honestly, all i want is to let go, violently let go, let live, and love.

love wildly, ya? indeed. ask and answer your own questions cause you are the best source your ever going to have.

demetrius

excerpts from an email to kristi -

its funny, culture shock is, cause you think about it before you return home. you think, yeah, there will be big cars, tons of cash/money, my family, my normal haunts, everything that was and you also think that leaving the place you were at will be easy, there wont be any trouble, that the relationships you built and the people that you love will just not be there like they were before but when that plane comes down to land in the states everything you thought goes out the window.

even now, its been two months, writing this my eyes are welling with tears. i cant comprehend where this emotion came from or what happened. but i love and cherish it dearly. being home feels like your not real, nothing here has the permanence that india had for me, life here is so fucking imaginary that i just dont know what to do sometimes.

everyone needs to leave their comfort zones, whether its through studying abroad or by changing their reality, moving to a different neighborhood, changing friends, harder job, whatever.

kristi, dont let the daily routine, the mundane, the repeated dull & drain you. dont let this world leech the beauty of china from your memory, dont let what 'just is' here overpower what you want, your dreams, or your desires.

ive got to get back to work, thanks for asking me about india. if the god(s) above smile on us we can share stories in nyc this august.

huge huge huge huge hugs!!!! hugs so big they fill the sky, cover the sun, and create their own light in the space shared by two people.

demetrius

cool stuff upcoming this summer that i'd like to attend:

http://www.rooftopfilms.com/

http://www.summerstage.org/

and, while that may not be all for now, im happysadtornconfusedsoreopenenedqueerfabuloussmilingliving
lookingforwardtryingtonotholdonbuttoletgoletliveandlovewildly
withoutfear


ai
d

feelings sometimes get worse over time. i was sitting on the tiolet thinking.

but, i cant post this up here. its not...i dont know. putting it up here wont get anything done it would be an unconstructive way to express how i feel.

im sitting in a cafe in mahwah, i didnt go to work today cause i ran up to hartford, ct to see friends and hear music. i had a wonderful time.

gah. fuck work. im running on angry, sad, excited and confused. i think im going to take some advice from zack and just not think about it. apparently it works for him. we'll see.

the sun is shining. four pakistani men are discussing buying a franchise. im smiling cause i want to celebrate. im going to get 3 dollars, replace my library card, get a copy of cat's cradle for tuesday's book club. tonight, whether it is the ridgewood critical mass or the transgender march for social and economic justice its going to be good times.

that feeling, the search for satisfaction, the itch, has been plaguing me all week. i dont know what it is. feeling dissatisfied. i think i should of gone to work today.

bu ai
d

im in one of those crazy full moon quit your job and burn all your bridges drive to georgia and start it all again moods. but im not going to. just fucking cause.

love d

gah

so i am satisfying my disatisfaction with almost everything right now by hunting down people through myspace. connections communication. sharing.

i have to go to work tomorrow, i do not like office work, nor do i like commuting, nor do i feel i need to put up with this for much longer.



ai
d

i will not get defensive.

i will not spiral.

i will hold and accept.

i will hold and accept.

i will breathe. i will breathe. i will breathe. and i will know that what happens, happens, and that life is something bigger, better and deeper than i will ever be so that no attempt at permanance safety structure control absolutes will draw me down.

i will smile. because its easier. so much easier.

and you know, because i dont, that im not going to be able to control anything. that things just happen, that they always just happen, that there is an ebb and flow that moves the world, that i am just part, that parts bump, that parts shuffle, and the water re-arranges everything. everything. and being re-arranged is everything. everything wonderful, and that i cant always drive the moving truck. im not god(guaranteed overnight delivery) im just a boy from jersey who likesloves moving, likesloves people. and who cries when people move on.

its funny that im not reaching out, not reaching down, not really trying cause i dont think that she wants to either, maybe just one more. one more phone call, one more good luck, one more "sorry, demetrius she's not here." one more sigh, one more pushing of the end button, one more angry throwing of the phone on the passengers side seat, one more glance to remind me the passengers side is empty, one more laugh cause ive never needed anyone to entertain me, just always wanted someone there.

the past sits next to me like and old friend that always has new stories. new possibilities, new faces, and new adventures, tiny little ones. changing nothing just giving the illusion of satisfaction which you accept because there is satisfaction there even if its not flyingtearing down a river in africa hunting treasure. my brother is going to africa, im a little scared for the kid, but i am so thrilled that he is going, really going, and i hope that it fucking rocks his crazy little world. maybe it will bring us closer.

its funny to look at kids who have bandanas hanging out of their back pockets to their knees. malcolm, youngest brother, graduates from high school today. ive got the commencement ticket in my pocket, and the dress shirt & belt in the car, i'll be seeing people and i'll be performing for an hour so and wishing that i wasnt, but smiling cause i can be someone that i might be or that i can build the image of someone they all wish i was. but when the act seeps into reality, when the game face becomes the normal face and you lose access or touch with the emotion that once was, you wonder where it went, and wonder if anything that strong will ever come back again. longing for something that was, that wasnt even that great, bothers me but im smiling cause it gives me good memories, gives me good stories, gives me good things to think about on cold winter nights or long flights.

i talked to 2 new/old persons yesterday, walking and sharing and having a real good time, looking forward to more, and there was plan making across the board with people, for events, in anticipation. and it just fucking amazes me how strong some things can be and how strongly fear, fear, fear drives me. how it sets off the cold distant feeling in my stomach, when im just reading words, cause i dont even know what i want. and that scares me and being scared feels different than fear, maybe i just dont understand the relationship between the two of them. maybe i need to let go of both, to accept and understand what is and what i want, to be a bit less afraid. to not assume as much and to accept without falling into passivity.

can i just smile sometimes? and not get lost in what was, the memories and hallucinations of images, transportation back to hot tiles and red dirt, the sweaty knees, to people, to pain, to adventure to the not letting go, to isolation, self induced. to not getting it. to thankfulness. to want. to everything that encompasses the spectrum of humanity and to how it is all tied together. to trying to discover my nature, to screaming fuck my nature, fuck my politics and to just being.

lessons learned, lost and sometimesnever remembered again.

where am i on this hot and rainy day? sifting and shifting, buried but moving, not knowing but going. hoping. sighing

ai
demetrius

talking, bubbling, poppping from the slightest pressure in the wrong place. light explosions an easy day on the battlefield, walking away unscathed what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger, you hope, learning the ropes of the suits and church, feeling it out just to make sure you dont crash and burn.

book clubs and cross burnings, bike fixing and anger rising, chinese dinners with the man who was my father and sunsets over coffee shops with strange dogs and nice strangers.

its the randomness and the bliss of summer that i love, the stress and the headaches of balancing acts and transition, of love of my live, of scabies, of mites, of hpv, of goodbye house of 18 years, of hello world from my fears, of hello unknown, and goodbye past, of trying fudge & hold connections through an acceptance that i dont seem to have, of having to spend everylast cent, of saving, raving, ranting and the new paving that makes me feel like im gliding on air.

its that feeling, lacking, missing right now that i cherish, which ill reclaim and i look forward to nights and days of concrete and streets and sweet sweet bicycle heat. and mornings and evenings with malcolm, my father or at least the man who once was my father. still footing the bill, still poking up hills, and so accepting, so fucking accepting that he keeps serving as a source of knowledge, less than 17 days from my 22nd birthday.

its a cool night, almost chill, nose cold, sleeves down, laptop hot on my legs. getting paid to do databases, i love wireless outdoors and swinging from social mores, leaving me smiling, frowning, restless and bored.


tomorrow summer officially begins. what, i wonder, will it bring?


ai
d

so the music in the background is sad, but angry and i cant find that anger anymore inside me. the sadness is stronger, closer to the surface, ive been crying outside cemetaries, during silly movies, when kate kisses me. and ive been hiding it, i dont want anyone to know. this is my secret, that i cry now, that my sadness has replaced my anger, that now i prefer tears to rage and cant find the fucking rage i need to fuel my work, the sadness doesnt work the same way, its not energy, its lethargy, its depressing its pushing on the brakes, not the gas.

when you are rolling in neutral getting up hills is really fucking hard. but ive been getting up the hills recently. and, i think, that ive been getting up them quite well. with what though?

i love that my friends are good writers because when i read them, i get inspired to write more and so i owe them thanks.

i hung out with beth today, she was on the europe trip until poland and left earlier cause of a range of reasons. but we just had a light lunch and walked around. i did not like it, like i liked last night. this was controlled plastic smiles, last night was sweat covered flying stuffed animals guacamole dancing and beautiful warm nights without control. today was so controlled, but i can see patterns and see myself in them. but the mystery of them, even though some conclusions i can see myself coming too, entice me because there is unknown there. i dont know what will happen or where i'll go. i dont know if what ill do will involve windexing tiles, sitting on billboards, crossing highways, sitting in boardrooms, fighting in courtrooms, fighting in the streets...i want to fight in the streets, but i dont. but why did i? what was the attraction? what nabbed me? what enticed me? what would make me do it again? who could make me do it again? i really dont know if i would do it again. when we take over the means of production who is going to make the wine? i like wine. nice clothes and nice things. and i think that this is ok.

mutually exclusive though to dirt, sweat, dumpsters and not giving a fuck about other people. and it is so easy to do that. i did that though because i was angry, really angry, spitting anger/rage at people and things. i am not that angry anymore. and i dont know why. i lost the anger in india.

when we started there that is not what i had in mind to lose. i wanted to lose the selfishness, the control, the ego. those things exploded in india. blew up. kaboom. like a cyclone they hit the ground and ripped up everything. they left me alone, with no one who i could really talk to. no one who i could confide in and no one who could tolerate me. i drove people away. and maybe the sadness comes from there. maybe it is that anger or isolation that brings the tears.

do i want tears?

did i lose anything aside from the anger, or not? i cant talk about india right now, it is really far away, i feel like india never happened that i was never there, the dream went on too long and i might of interpreted it wrong, what happens if i missed the message? what if i didnt learn? if i fucked up? if i continue to fuck up? why did julie tell me that she could no longer be my friend? why did i react so deadpan. i felt it. i knew things were different. but i dont know why, didnt know why. and i dont know what to say to her now. i dont know if i want her to be my friend anymore. i want to know why she said that. do i?

yes. i do. because it could be the same. the same mistakes, the same fuck ups, the same things that i didnt lose but wanted to. maybe i am hanging onto them?

i have said that i wanted to lose them, said that i wanted to not be the asshole i was and i have demonstrated that i can. but i feel like im the same that when i am here. that i havent changed, that is why india feels like a dream because i come home and nothing has changed.

nothing really changes. the people the places and the faces are all the same. and i fit right in. there seem to be layers here that allow people to exist.

i know that i hiearchize in my head. is not being friends with someone the same as not shooting someone?

what do my distinctions mean? how are my definitions shaping my life? how are my directional choices moving me?

what does working for a progressive religious organization, in an office mean?

not to state the obvious, but you wear stripes really well, she said.

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

rainer marie rilke

thanks to friend i got it from.


hen ai
d

vanessa: whats in your brain?

me: i dont know. i do know.

maybe.

family.
brothers.father.mom.

not wanting to be home and deciding to stay because of my father. not wanting to go home because i dont know if i'll be safe. wanting to leave. wondering about the wiseness of my decisions. trying to not let anger from this seep into other areas of my life.

i dont know. work starts - internship in nyc - on tuesday. as fer now im just reading for class and doing bergen action work. its ok. it passes the time. im not thrilled and im generally off so that makes me color challenging/frustrating things with an overly negative light. i see monstersbullies not problems.

i dont even know if im generally off. i talk to other kids who've just graduated and feel similar. hell, i even have 'things' going on. internship, friends, hobbies, writing, lustloveaffection. some kids dont even have that. i even got some nice new clothes i look pretty in. but i dont have satisfaction. i got stuff done today but im not sure what it was. i can list accomplishments, can i appreciate them? is that it?

i lost alot of anger in india, gained alot of acceptance, calmed down. learned. i feel better.

but...

(those three dots are huge) cause i dont know what they are. i think i might of lost something with the anger - no, the anger coming off might of shaken that loose too. It has been a process. I feel better, i feel as if i am more of the person i was; the politics, the ideaologypsychosis of crimethinc, it tapped into the rage that i have at highschool, at mahwah, at my family, at here, and i think at myself. directions have changed. losing the shit, or the new direction for the angerrage to be forced at - i dont know if thats it. gaining an acceptance of how things are. that they just are a certain way has saddened me. the dreams are dampened. flickers of no cars and bikes everywhere exist in my head but they are just flickers.

distraction

the rage i have at myself. why? for what? i felt it as i was writing that paragraph but now i dont. why and what for? do i even have it? questions.

seeing the future. it happens regularly. but is never clear. flickers. glimmers.

i was distracted. i am. !! what a novel idea. i can see you laughing at me right now, cause all we ever talked about was just being. and now its like duh. this is just how im feeling. and thats what it is. accepting what is outside as i accept what is inside. it doesnt solve anything but it helps me finish the day. and thats important.

into the night we go
d

deep green leaves, evergreen trees, sandy soil, negra modela, blue moon and 32oz of old english.

tis a normal night in north carolina

ai
d

chaos takes a break to let smiles in

more chaos...

chaos...

chaos ensues...

shelly & demetrius with smiles on

katie gets one last feel of renee's hair in before demetrius eats her brains