its funny with the computers here, only one has a real steady connection to the net, so you can always find a line of people waiting to use it - and people always freaking out about the stuff not working. and even i sit on that line and keep trying the other computers in vain hope that they will magically work even though i know that these are machines which dont have any kind inkling toward magic. its been months now and this has been the situation its just funny how deep the addiction is. how truly deep the addiction is.

yeah groups. group identity and the sublimation of the self so that the group can exist. its crazy. and i kind of like it. and i find it, like you do, incredibly challenging. cause it suggests that there is an authority outside of myself that i should submit to. and then i have to wonder about that authority, where it comes from (in or outside of the group?) what its intentions are, how much affect i have on it, does the group authority actively create new ways of being/thinking/doing or does it reinforce old paradigms of exploitation and oppression? and then if the authority comes from within the group and i disagree with it, then do i leave the group? or work to change it? accept my fate? or abandon it? and ive got to take into account on what conditions i entered the group and accepted the responsibility.

living in a group demands so much from someone that there is not the same space for individual digressions. to figure that out is one thing, but then to act on it or actualize it in your living is a whole different story.

i linger on the concept idea of home because home means so much to me. it gives me the link between where i am and where i was and functions as the fulcrum of where im going - physically and mentally.

i guess i linger home too cause im a bit sick of here and cant wait to be somewhere else right now - and it might not even be india but here, right here this place. and so my head is in a place or places that are comfortable to me.

in people its the connection between, yeah people travel sure hell they must at times and so its the bond between us that space that exists in emails or letters phone calls and memories of physical contact that home or that dimension of home exists. and so it is a fantastically impermament thing that i love about people and about home that is not permanent now - it will be at some point for me - im a cancer - sense of space dominates my head - to be comfy or ok in a space is so fucking essential for my whole being that if im not physically comfortable then there is a serious problem and i must move till i find space that comforts me or is comfortable to be in.

its been raining here and i fucking love it.

demetrius