so the music in the background is sad, but angry and i cant find that anger anymore inside me. the sadness is stronger, closer to the surface, ive been crying outside cemetaries, during silly movies, when kate kisses me. and ive been hiding it, i dont want anyone to know. this is my secret, that i cry now, that my sadness has replaced my anger, that now i prefer tears to rage and cant find the fucking rage i need to fuel my work, the sadness doesnt work the same way, its not energy, its lethargy, its depressing its pushing on the brakes, not the gas.

when you are rolling in neutral getting up hills is really fucking hard. but ive been getting up the hills recently. and, i think, that ive been getting up them quite well. with what though?

i love that my friends are good writers because when i read them, i get inspired to write more and so i owe them thanks.

i hung out with beth today, she was on the europe trip until poland and left earlier cause of a range of reasons. but we just had a light lunch and walked around. i did not like it, like i liked last night. this was controlled plastic smiles, last night was sweat covered flying stuffed animals guacamole dancing and beautiful warm nights without control. today was so controlled, but i can see patterns and see myself in them. but the mystery of them, even though some conclusions i can see myself coming too, entice me because there is unknown there. i dont know what will happen or where i'll go. i dont know if what ill do will involve windexing tiles, sitting on billboards, crossing highways, sitting in boardrooms, fighting in courtrooms, fighting in the streets...i want to fight in the streets, but i dont. but why did i? what was the attraction? what nabbed me? what enticed me? what would make me do it again? who could make me do it again? i really dont know if i would do it again. when we take over the means of production who is going to make the wine? i like wine. nice clothes and nice things. and i think that this is ok.

mutually exclusive though to dirt, sweat, dumpsters and not giving a fuck about other people. and it is so easy to do that. i did that though because i was angry, really angry, spitting anger/rage at people and things. i am not that angry anymore. and i dont know why. i lost the anger in india.

when we started there that is not what i had in mind to lose. i wanted to lose the selfishness, the control, the ego. those things exploded in india. blew up. kaboom. like a cyclone they hit the ground and ripped up everything. they left me alone, with no one who i could really talk to. no one who i could confide in and no one who could tolerate me. i drove people away. and maybe the sadness comes from there. maybe it is that anger or isolation that brings the tears.

do i want tears?

did i lose anything aside from the anger, or not? i cant talk about india right now, it is really far away, i feel like india never happened that i was never there, the dream went on too long and i might of interpreted it wrong, what happens if i missed the message? what if i didnt learn? if i fucked up? if i continue to fuck up? why did julie tell me that she could no longer be my friend? why did i react so deadpan. i felt it. i knew things were different. but i dont know why, didnt know why. and i dont know what to say to her now. i dont know if i want her to be my friend anymore. i want to know why she said that. do i?

yes. i do. because it could be the same. the same mistakes, the same fuck ups, the same things that i didnt lose but wanted to. maybe i am hanging onto them?

i have said that i wanted to lose them, said that i wanted to not be the asshole i was and i have demonstrated that i can. but i feel like im the same that when i am here. that i havent changed, that is why india feels like a dream because i come home and nothing has changed.

nothing really changes. the people the places and the faces are all the same. and i fit right in. there seem to be layers here that allow people to exist.

i know that i hiearchize in my head. is not being friends with someone the same as not shooting someone?

what do my distinctions mean? how are my definitions shaping my life? how are my directional choices moving me?

what does working for a progressive religious organization, in an office mean?