there is something about soemthing that i dont understand. at all.

i am pleasantly alone. now the night air is thick and warm, now i am alone, now outside, now with out you, now, and ill never know now.

genes and red hair are crazy things to think about and the things that brunettes do to me too. not to mention my concerns of not having blond haired children. this is going to be a problem but im not worried, the bugs are massing around the glow of my computer screen as i lay outside enjoying the freedom of wireless but stuck to the ground to the box and i sit here typing thinking walking enjoying indian food and kingfisher beer with new old friends thinking about time again. time and time again wondering about summer and zip codes thank god for the postal service and subtle reminders but im afraid of writing a letter cause we dont interact like that and what i like about letters is the control factor that i dont have there already is an understanding of who i am in this relationship no mystery or suprises, but smiles all the same and wait cmon i dont know what im talking about cause i keep learning things, i keep gaining things, i keep smiling. i am still challenged. but fearful always fearful.

newness its drug aspects and enticing moments, hard to let go of, can i? do i want to? will i?

i kind of want to get fired cause im looking for freedom and short term engagements. god the office.

asking questions about whether or not a friendship is worth especially after apologies is never easy i dont if i can really do it, i dont know if i want it. im talking about anything worthwhile and i had such good thoughts today. good strong critical and connecting i might be intellectually and analytically drained from the evening with emily. that girl can fucking talk, and she shocked me not with her words but with her experiences. im continually amazed at the range of histories that people have, gosh. it was wierd hanging out with her cause i was thinking of kate and being like hmmm, because im attracted to emily but seriously contemplating kate and confused. and i know how i feel when im not the only star in the sky. like red dwarf, ignored and alone. my current long goodbye partner makes me smile laugh and do silly things that i havent done in ages. with our footing resting firmly on ice keeping the pressure light might be very wise. so midnights capped with k shall remain and i cant wait till she is back cause i miss her already.

its early and late, im going to sleep.


ai
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