vanessa: whats in your brain?

me: i dont know. i do know.

maybe.

family.
brothers.father.mom.

not wanting to be home and deciding to stay because of my father. not wanting to go home because i dont know if i'll be safe. wanting to leave. wondering about the wiseness of my decisions. trying to not let anger from this seep into other areas of my life.

i dont know. work starts - internship in nyc - on tuesday. as fer now im just reading for class and doing bergen action work. its ok. it passes the time. im not thrilled and im generally off so that makes me color challenging/frustrating things with an overly negative light. i see monstersbullies not problems.

i dont even know if im generally off. i talk to other kids who've just graduated and feel similar. hell, i even have 'things' going on. internship, friends, hobbies, writing, lustloveaffection. some kids dont even have that. i even got some nice new clothes i look pretty in. but i dont have satisfaction. i got stuff done today but im not sure what it was. i can list accomplishments, can i appreciate them? is that it?

i lost alot of anger in india, gained alot of acceptance, calmed down. learned. i feel better.

but...

(those three dots are huge) cause i dont know what they are. i think i might of lost something with the anger - no, the anger coming off might of shaken that loose too. It has been a process. I feel better, i feel as if i am more of the person i was; the politics, the ideaologypsychosis of crimethinc, it tapped into the rage that i have at highschool, at mahwah, at my family, at here, and i think at myself. directions have changed. losing the shit, or the new direction for the angerrage to be forced at - i dont know if thats it. gaining an acceptance of how things are. that they just are a certain way has saddened me. the dreams are dampened. flickers of no cars and bikes everywhere exist in my head but they are just flickers.

distraction

the rage i have at myself. why? for what? i felt it as i was writing that paragraph but now i dont. why and what for? do i even have it? questions.

seeing the future. it happens regularly. but is never clear. flickers. glimmers.

i was distracted. i am. !! what a novel idea. i can see you laughing at me right now, cause all we ever talked about was just being. and now its like duh. this is just how im feeling. and thats what it is. accepting what is outside as i accept what is inside. it doesnt solve anything but it helps me finish the day. and thats important.

into the night we go
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