i will not get defensive.

i will not spiral.

i will hold and accept.

i will hold and accept.

i will breathe. i will breathe. i will breathe. and i will know that what happens, happens, and that life is something bigger, better and deeper than i will ever be so that no attempt at permanance safety structure control absolutes will draw me down.

i will smile. because its easier. so much easier.

and you know, because i dont, that im not going to be able to control anything. that things just happen, that they always just happen, that there is an ebb and flow that moves the world, that i am just part, that parts bump, that parts shuffle, and the water re-arranges everything. everything. and being re-arranged is everything. everything wonderful, and that i cant always drive the moving truck. im not god(guaranteed overnight delivery) im just a boy from jersey who likesloves moving, likesloves people. and who cries when people move on.

its funny that im not reaching out, not reaching down, not really trying cause i dont think that she wants to either, maybe just one more. one more phone call, one more good luck, one more "sorry, demetrius she's not here." one more sigh, one more pushing of the end button, one more angry throwing of the phone on the passengers side seat, one more glance to remind me the passengers side is empty, one more laugh cause ive never needed anyone to entertain me, just always wanted someone there.

the past sits next to me like and old friend that always has new stories. new possibilities, new faces, and new adventures, tiny little ones. changing nothing just giving the illusion of satisfaction which you accept because there is satisfaction there even if its not flyingtearing down a river in africa hunting treasure. my brother is going to africa, im a little scared for the kid, but i am so thrilled that he is going, really going, and i hope that it fucking rocks his crazy little world. maybe it will bring us closer.

its funny to look at kids who have bandanas hanging out of their back pockets to their knees. malcolm, youngest brother, graduates from high school today. ive got the commencement ticket in my pocket, and the dress shirt & belt in the car, i'll be seeing people and i'll be performing for an hour so and wishing that i wasnt, but smiling cause i can be someone that i might be or that i can build the image of someone they all wish i was. but when the act seeps into reality, when the game face becomes the normal face and you lose access or touch with the emotion that once was, you wonder where it went, and wonder if anything that strong will ever come back again. longing for something that was, that wasnt even that great, bothers me but im smiling cause it gives me good memories, gives me good stories, gives me good things to think about on cold winter nights or long flights.

i talked to 2 new/old persons yesterday, walking and sharing and having a real good time, looking forward to more, and there was plan making across the board with people, for events, in anticipation. and it just fucking amazes me how strong some things can be and how strongly fear, fear, fear drives me. how it sets off the cold distant feeling in my stomach, when im just reading words, cause i dont even know what i want. and that scares me and being scared feels different than fear, maybe i just dont understand the relationship between the two of them. maybe i need to let go of both, to accept and understand what is and what i want, to be a bit less afraid. to not assume as much and to accept without falling into passivity.

can i just smile sometimes? and not get lost in what was, the memories and hallucinations of images, transportation back to hot tiles and red dirt, the sweaty knees, to people, to pain, to adventure to the not letting go, to isolation, self induced. to not getting it. to thankfulness. to want. to everything that encompasses the spectrum of humanity and to how it is all tied together. to trying to discover my nature, to screaming fuck my nature, fuck my politics and to just being.

lessons learned, lost and sometimesnever remembered again.

where am i on this hot and rainy day? sifting and shifting, buried but moving, not knowing but going. hoping. sighing

ai
demetrius