Session Start (kussmischnell:MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 01:05:06 2006
[01:05] MusicLovr1: friend, do you ever get scared that maybe you are wasting your youth ?
[01:05] kussmischnell: hahahah
[01:05] kussmischnell: yeah. i mean kinda. i do.
[01:06] MusicLovr1: this has been a reoccurring theme for me since december. haha
[01:07] MusicLovr1: like, maybe im not supposed to be in a long term relationship.. i can't remember the last time that i was out past like, 11pm
[01:07] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:07] kussmischnell: i mean
[01:07] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:07] kussmischnell: i dont know what ot say.
[01:07] kussmischnell: i hate the feeling that i am wasting my youth
[01:07] kussmischnell: my time
[01:08] kussmischnell: my life
[01:08] kussmischnell: but i am excited to age
[01:08] MusicLovr1: i dont really have people i can call friends, just acquaintances really... i never hang out except for w. my boyfriend and his friend.. and band practice, if you call that hanging out.
[01:08] kussmischnell: to grow and and to learn
[01:08] MusicLovr1: i know.. it's such a catch 22. sucks.
[01:08] MusicLovr1: well, maybe not catch 22
[01:08] MusicLovr1: but you know what i mean
[01:08] kussmischnell: it sounds like you are more upset about how you spend time with the boy
[01:08] kussmischnell: and less about wasting your youth
[01:08] kussmischnell: but it could of out of that so i understand
[01:09] MusicLovr1: i think that one is causing the other, if that makes sense
[01:10] kussmischnell: yeah it seems that way to me. it seems that that is what your are communicating to me
[01:11] MusicLovr1: sucks.
[01:11] kussmischnell: i guess
[01:11] kussmischnell: but you are aware of the problem
[01:11] kussmischnell: you know the pieces
[01:11] kussmischnell: you need to know now, how to solve it
[01:15] kussmischnell: or if you are willing to live with this contradiction
[01:15] kussmischnell: or this problem
[01:15] MusicLovr1: it's difficult to evaluate that kind of stuff for me, i gues.
[01:21] kussmischnell: yeah but you already kkind of are
[01:22] kussmischnell: by bringing the problem to me, it sounds like you were evaluatiing it to me, ya know?
[01:24] MusicLovr1: hmm... yes i see......
[01:24] MusicLovr1: i just didn't know if i was the only one feeling this way, or if this is a common thing among people my age
[01:25] MusicLovr1: it seems like everyone ive been associating with lately (outside of my bf, duh) has been like 19-20.. when, usually im the one associating with poeple 3+ yrs older than me.
[01:25] MusicLovr1: so its weird, im not used to it.. and i wonder if subconciously this is part of it ?
[01:25] kussmischnell: how old are you?
[01:26] MusicLovr1: i just turned 22 two weeks ago
[01:26] MusicLovr1: it sounds so oldddddddd
[01:27] kussmischnell: yeah im 22 plus 6 months or so
[01:27] kussmischnell: and the time is passing real fast, real fast.
[01:27] MusicLovr1: the other day i was looking at someone's myspace and it was like.. 22, and i was like.. omg thats so old ! and then i was like.. oh wait, fuck, im 22.
[01:28] kussmischnell: yeah hahahaha
[01:28] kussmischnell: but then youy forget there are all these years in there like 27, 26, 29
[01:28] kussmischnell: crazy years no one remembers
[01:28] kussmischnell: or even, 33, 36, 37
[01:29] kussmischnell: no thinks about those years either
[01:29] MusicLovr1: yeah yeah
[01:29] kussmischnell: you cross a certain age threshold and then those years arent so scary. you stop only thinking about the immediate and start thinking about the future
[01:29] kussmischnell: its such an interesting shift in thought process.
[01:30] MusicLovr1: but i already think about the future
[01:30] MusicLovr1: i mean, maybe not to the same extent as older people..
[01:30] MusicLovr1: but maybe thats part of the problem?
[01:30] MusicLovr1: too busy growing up to enjoy now?
[01:31] kussmischnell: yeah, now moves fucking fast
[01:31] kussmischnell: and alot of wishes i could just step on the brakes but i cant.
[01:33] kussmischnell: i kind of wish that highschool hadnt happened or happened earlier, or faster. or maybe that i took time off between hs and college. i dont know. but these are permanent unknowns. things that cannot change at all. at all. they are set in stone and ive got to accept that. now though im so excited about the possibilities. this is the time in my life that i finally feel powerful enough to make changes.
[01:33] kussmischnell: to make decisions. to choose what i want and dont want to do. that is the cliche - responsibility.
[01:33] kussmischnell: and with the responsibility comes a huge amount of power.
[01:34] kussmischnell: and thats great. i love that freedom. i love those feelings and i really enjoy, scary and stressful as it is, making these choices.
[01:35] MusicLovr1: yes i know know know what you are saying
[01:35] kussmischnell: yeah
[01:36] MusicLovr1: i took time off here and there, and it was okay.. nice to do nothing, but the routine got fucking old. i mean, during this time i was in the same relationship so i dont know
[01:36] kussmischnell: what are you thinking?
[01:36] MusicLovr1: but i think my best years was when i was 17-18
[01:36] MusicLovr1: first year of college, away at the dorm.. meeting so many people whom i clicked with, allowed to be stupid, etc.
[01:37] MusicLovr1: i just agree with you that theres nothign we can do, so i guess i shouldnt be scared.. but ive just been sort of down lately, i guess.. i dont want to get into it too much... but my relationship has been extremely rocky and unfufilling and ive been unmotivated w/ school and i miss familiarity, even though ive been here like 6 months now
[01:38] kussmischnell: yeah, true. i think my best year is this one. but i dont know what the next ones are going to be. :)
[01:39] MusicLovr1: haha that is amazing
[01:39] kussmischnell: i think that this one thing - the loss of your youth and the sadness associated with that - is seperate but triggered by your rocky relationship. that relationship is different. and that is something that needs to be addressed seperately.
[01:40] kussmischnell: im going to die smiling.
[01:40] kussmischnell: :)
[01:40] kussmischnell: i fucking love it.
[01:40] MusicLovr1: hahahahaha
[01:40] MusicLovr1: im scared of dying too. but. that would be awesome to do it smiling.
[01:41] kussmischnell: i kind of relish the moment.
[01:41] kussmischnell: the moment when i will realize im dying.
[01:41] kussmischnell: so i can i think about it. cause my my. that is going to be a trip.
[01:43] MusicLovr1: hahahahahaha
[01:43] MusicLovr1: fucking amazing
Session Close (MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 01:55:05 2006


Session Start (kussmischnell:MusicLovr1): Thu Jan 26 02:15:47 2006
[02:15] kussmischnell: good night kid.
[02:15] kussmischnell: thanks for messaging me
[02:16] MusicLovr1: night
[02:16] kussmischnell: it was a good talk.