i find myself looking back at every minute i spent with kate, every miniscule action, every exchange, every adventure and experience wondering about how it went and realizing that i did not appreciate having her in my life. seeing how little i understood about this distance we have now.

i dont want to give up my positions or thoughts on the matter, but i can see it from a larger perspective now. and that helps. helps with the coping, helps with the space, helps with movement.

her name is kate. and it rhymes with great for a reason.

transcripts of an excerpt from a conversation:

me: so, how is existence?
rachel: tiiiiiring
rachel: and for you?
me: i like tiring. so ill use it. my existence is tiring as well.
me: what tires you out most these days?
rachel: hmmm.. it's late and I was real stoned earlier
rachel: to be quite honest
rachel: you sir?
me: hahahahahahahahahahahaha
me: fucking awesome
me: work, my partner leaving, and the sadness that results
rachel: aww.. partner leaving?
me: its amazing what emotions can bring out in a person
rachel: explain?
rachel: sad
me: she is studying in india for the semester
me: she left two days ago
rachel: fuckin lame
rachel: you should kill her
me: i mean, yeah i could but then i would never have the pleasure of seeing her again and feeling her hand on my face or her head pressed into my chest.
me: so i dont think im going to off her anytime soon.
me: thanks for the suggestion though.
rachel: heehee.. you're such a hopeless romantic
rachel: and I fucking love it
rachel: tell me about her
me: she's short. five feet, brown hair a spot below her ears. soft brown eyes set against a face that reminds me of a warm cup of coffee flooded with cream.
rachel: haha that's
me: she studies at ramapo, gender studies. and she kicks my ass.
rachel: awesome
rachel: you truly are a poet
me: thanks rachel.
me: she is from haledon and rides her bike when she can, and works in retail too much.
rachel: I wish that I had that power with poety
rachel: poetry
rachel: woowww
rachel: that's incredible
rachel: whats he name?
me: but she looks forward. alot, and has this strength about her. a strength rooted in acceptance of and refusal to be caught in her situation, so inspires me so much. so much that i think i might backslide in these next few months.
me: kate. her name is kate.
me: and it rhymes with great for a reason.