fuck fuckity fuck

lost the lot on the box because of an ictchy backspace finger.

i think im going to cut this short then cause ive got a 3 klom walk back to the guest house.

it doesnt get any easier at all to deal with. there are more challenges and more contradictions in my head daily but i see them illuminated with more light and more clarity and my options make more sense than they have in the past.

people are coming forward and backwards with this and im like gah - i get the itty bitty thoughts of why me? and then, ie right now, i think Fuck yeah! im so happy this is happening to me.

when learning about auroville from whim yesterday it was like woah - i want to live in a community - ive never had that thought before - ive never had the want to give up a shot of my individuality to live in a community before - to understand what that means.

being at auroville; observing and questioning all that is going on - and then being at fireflies{home} and looking around at the 9 people that make up my daily community, my daily life, my daily circle - i was like fuck! this is my community right now - all the time ive though, yeah the mahwah community, the ramapo community, etc etc etc...i never really before looked at it - it helps cause this is smaller - no.

its not that i never looked - its that i never saw. seeing is so different than looking and even observing which is different than both. i never saw it. and now, yesterday morning, i saw it for the first time. i saw the community i was living in. and it blew my mind.

then i became aware of the community as the catalyst for this growth i am doing and was like fuck - i need community - my need then became a want - i want community. being aware of the pain that i am sifting through the challenges that sit infront of me and how they take shape and yeah how there is a need to lose some of the self - to give up wide swaths of that identity which is I. and understand and embrace the identity, the needs, the reality, that is we.

ai
demetrius