kate, right now im fluctuating in and out of needing someone to tell me they miss me, or just needing someone so bad, so i hear where, or part of where you are coming from.

the loss of the newness often destroys me as well when it comes to people. the first time someone exposes their humanity to me, their failings, their boring spots, i end up reacting so shittily sometimes that i just say fuck it and turn myself off in my heart.

but doing that kills relations that are real and not filled with that fake bliss bullshit we all are taught to believe and desire and expect. its the expections that kill.

punching your comp? hm, somebody better go for a walk, maybe sit quietly with nothing around and just listen to your breathing for a few minutes(3 to start, then progress to 5, 8, and 10 slowly) try doing something creative(dont tell me you arent creative, thats bullshit and you know it) learning a song to sing, drawing a picture, painting some colors, collaging, sewing, knitting, maybe taking the time to read a book for pleasure(one that challenges or relaxes you, but not one that eases you into the fucked up mindset our society puts out there) so in other words try to calm down a spot.

talk about the bullshit thats stressing you, but also talk about the good things that happen during the day. to find those good things take 5 minutes and think about your day - the bad stuff crops up immediately, but the good stuff is there, you've only got to find it. i did this the other day when i was beating myself up mentally and discovered over a dozen awesome things that had happened that day and then i was like wow, this day was pretty awesome.

i saw the pictures renee put up, wonderful, it was so nice to a picture of you, especially one where you were drinking a cup of coffee bigger than yer head. it was so fantastic. i heart renee for using pictures as much as words. i heart you for being in those pictures.

you want details from me? fuck girl that is asking alot.

im up to my ass doing work for the ghana delegation, we just finished the 2nd course paper here and im like woooooooooot! we leave for pondicherry, the east coast of india(state of tamil nadu(go look on a map and find it so you know where i am)) at 430am tomorrow - 8 hr drive etc etc etc, but its going to be an adventure and im addicted to adventure.

emily has turned out to be one of my favourites on the trip - aside from the fact that is freaking out hardcore - she is good to talk to, has awesome potential and is pleasantly - and shows serious and intuitive concern about folk at times. so many hearts her way.

are you ready for it?

hope so.

i have no issues holding people to the same standards i hold myself too, because they are the right (put that in italics) standards.

this in itself is no problem(total lie) - the problem occurs when people dont comply to my standards(without even knowing im judging(put judging in italics too) them) i then judge them and run around with thoughts of being superior in my head and i think other people suck and are in no way up to my standards.

or i relate to people as my superiors, which puts me at the inferior level, ever trying to best the superiors - this is a competitive mindset. unsustainble to boot.

whats worse is that i judge people based on assumptions about their actions - assumptions about what is the full extent of their action(s), why they are acting, and what they are thinking about when doing that - not only do i relate to people superiorly, but i then presume to know what they are thinking - that i think is insane - my head cannot hold all this -

i fucking assume that people think and act like me, so i can then hold them to my standards - duh you fucking shit, people are not like you.

so then, now that ive elevated myself to superior being, and presume to think i can read minds, i then judge/continue to judge people - more often than not i judge negatively, with negative judgements i put myself in a bad mood, cause im thinking - why cant people just be like me?

that is the base here - why cant people just be like me?

it is so hard for me to not care. to not give a fuck(because, dont forget 'my way is the right way'). but i cannot, and i cant express how i feel in ways that are not condescending, pretenious and horribly judgemental. i lack those communications skills most of the time. mostly because what i want to communicate are feelings of judgement, negativity, and superiority.

but i have and i know that i can communicate hugs and agreement and humility and openess and take criticism, this i can do, ive done it and i want to do it more.

this leaves me often in a shitty fucking mood. and working overly hard to combat it and to think about people in non-condescedning, non-superior/inferior, non-judgemental way. i dont want to hear that 'at least you've identified it and are working on it' im only working on it because it fucking sucks to relate to people like this and to be pissy all the time(most of the time im not pissy, im forcing myself to understand and relate differently) which is hard. fuck. im pissy cause i have to think three or four times over everything till i come out with something that aint me being a fucking judgemental asshole - and i dont even do it with everything.

fuck kate, sometimes i want people to 'just be like me' - it would be so much easier - make so much more sense

and when i think im doing good, making progress learning to relate to folk wonderfully and in different ways one fucking thing sends me back to this angry unsustainable boy mood.

i like be alone because then i dont know what others are doing and the world consists only of me. just me, and no one else. that is so fucking nice. or better yet i like to know people just for small limited interactions so that there is no possibility of breaking boundaries that bind our interactions - but then i want to break those boundaries and take things out and i want that person to break those boundaries and i want to know folk deeply and in new ways and for eons

i really tend to think that this mindset is unbeatable, unbearable and i dont know if im going to make it through, if im ever going to learn to relate differently for a sustained period of time. or if it'll be constantly me versus y'all - i dont like this and im fucking sick of it and its infinitely compounded by past conflicts which just lurk around.

im seconds from smashing my fist on this screen.

i want it to be over and done with soo bad. so things can just be ok - but its not going to happen in simple slow swoops. its going to quite consistently be uphill pushing boulders and fending off the past, followed quickly by falling four hours in seconds and not knowing why and not being able to cope or deal or talk about and want nothing more than just forget it.

but the way it boils, i dont think ill ever forget it or get over it. i need new role models, new people to learn from and be inspired by.

i would kill to rub your tummy right now

i want to sleep and cry and escape. but i cant cry and i cant sleep, so im just going to escape - worry not, its only into books. but a fucking bottle would be so much easier - and there is the motherfucking danger if i dont deal with this, my escapism will become hugely destructive

fuck. FUCK.

BAM - REALIZATION LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT

WHY?

why, because fuck is negative and it cant all be negative. i know it cant, and i know - nothing - i know that fuck is not the end, that tomorrow the sun will rise and the ants will comeback to my room and ill be itchy and john will be aloof. tomorrow will come, not as an excuse to beat the shit out of myself, but as an understanding that it is never easy, neverending and there is always the chance to get better. always.

goddamn.

i dont even know anymore.

d