hm

so the fact ive got a new watcher makes me want to update more regularly - nothing but positive.

busy busy busy busy

i remember watching a greek family practice docking a boat while on crete. feeding the fishes with remants of my lunch. staring at old templar knight ruins. the huge tanker ships with unknown flags flying on them. how tempting the water looked and how dirty my ass was. the high school behind me and greek kids pulling in and out of the lot during thier lunch break and mine.

those memories are beautiful. i can feel that sun on my soul right now. i get goosebumps and my eyes squint as if the sun was shining on me.

march 20th draws near as memories of last spring converge upon me along with people and moments of the past. recurring issues and my rampant sexuality still get me into trouble yet i embrace these situations, hoping that the answer is just behind that elastic band or stuck between my teeth like that pubic hair, but i know they are not and i know that they will never be, whether her, him, or zed. i dont think the answers lie in sex.

all this makes me want to cut my dick off, stick hot pokers in my eyes, and burn my skin so that i can no longer feel. cause no matter what i say, the temptation of sweat will always be there. the allure of the push and thrust lingers in my memory, the faint moaning octaves remind me of how fun it is as i compare the laundry list of self destructive behaviors.

and to think i didnt at all mention the beauty of curves.

i must be losing my touch.

the moon moves in and out fullness as i pass to and fro waivering on the border of self control but never really grasping it all, hoping that the next adventure action chance will pull/push something out of me which will confer immediate change upon my life.

god i want to break things

i hate being a man and i hate all things men in this society stand for.

mustard seeds can move mountains. the struggle continues.

i need to write letters to financial aid officers and smash things. soon.

joey will be in town on the 20th, yay yay yay. that makes me happy indeed.

van and i have made contact. i cant control my emotions. i dont know how to look at her or talk to her and be controlled or not let the self defence machine kick into high gear. my honesty sucks when im around her or it comes off like fucking shotgun at all the wrong times. the parking lot awaits dead cars peace and quiet at 8:45 except for the lone straggler being late, but enjoying the sunshine as ze strolls up the hill and thinks "it is only class, i would learn so much more from finding a new person to befriend and ask questions of"

i want to be in colorado, sipping tea on hardwood floors, talking about beans and permaculture, reading in tree forts and taking long naps on city lawns dreaming of quitting time so that i can look dreamily in the eyes of the goddess incarnate and wonder what answers she holds. knowing that the endless curls of her hair match her dress and i cant keep my eyes or my heart off of either. lets not talk about the secret passage way to enlightenment. those lips of fresh strawberry pulp, warm like vegan muffins sweet like maple syrup but free of the guilt of eating cash crops, and with each kiss knowledge passes between us making me smile making me dream and making write and mail letters on time.

i wonder why everything cant be this compelling and then i think that if i am not pursuing what compells me, then what the fuck am i doing?

with love

d