wow.

so its been awhile - ive got wind from the world that two people peruse this blog on occasion - how dangerous for me to proceed honestly and openly. i do hope that i can. its funny or ironic how knowing that people read this makes me want to update more.

fear.

worry.

happiness.

hope.

love.

confusion.

rage.

anger.

spirituality.

ive been feeling alot lately, thinking about budapest and europe in general, about walking, about travelling, about being free.

sigh.

o. i just dont know. i've felt like an emotionless zombie for weeks and tonight i exploded, left the house crying and walked into the darkness till i found an old fort from my childhood and sat on the cold wet gorund and cried, talking to myself, holding myself, and trying to be honest with myself. thats the hardest part, being honest with me. the body lies to the mind and vice versa. i really dont know what to do.

im going to get writing again.

today was beautiful the sun shined strong all day allowing me to walk around barefoot for a while and lay in warmth on the hill overlooking the filled commuter lot. gaea was so beautiful today, i watched birds and tops of trees, i looked for nests and saw the turkeys this morning. the ground was soft and spongy not cold and hard. i walked up the hill into class with a smile one my face and bounce in my step. urbiel asked how i felt and i said fantastic, especially after the work done this weekend(formation of NEMA and the cooking) but once class got going i became so agitated at the normal things: no one was participating freely, urbiel was pulling teeth to get answers and then stopped me from answering. that is so frustrating. i hate siting and knowing the answer and not offering it. i need to learn patience, sure. but what am i supposed to do when no one offers anything? sit quietly by the wayside as class time ticks away? fuck no. thats ludicrous. i dont want to be the dominating white male but when no one else offers, how am i supposed to fix that. busted, i used "fix that" like its my problem, like i must take on the responsibility to solve the problem, right the wrongs, fix what is broken, yeah broken because my white ass broke it. im going to try and not speak on thursday, unless spoken too. and I'll do this in all my classes, work, and social interactions. as an experiment. thursday is a good day because i feel very confident about my knowledge in those classes. so ill deprive myself of the role i play and see how it feels. interesting i like it.

i jumped into the hidden, undiscovered secret pond to quickly, i didnt test the water for leeches, or too see if it was too hot or too cold, i hesitated not to throw my whole body at it anticipating the embrace of liquid clothes and rejuvination. the water was too cold. the leeches bit hard and sucked me dry. i crawled from the pool bleeding, im walking away leaving a trail of blood in the woods as the sun sets quickly infront of me.

i fucked up. my language choice was poor. and i opened up too much, did i? i tried, two weekends ago to figure out how i would fit into the box society was offering me and i couldt get my legs over the edge and was left dangling over as the box rose up high for scrutiny by the jury and it tipped me out onto the dusty plain i was on prior to that weekend, alone, striding over the brush and cracked soil anticipating the oncoming dry spell like sweet relief from the icy water of that pond.

van is at my school. we knew each others presence a few times, i've attempted contact to at least build a skeletal structure of a bridge in order to have cordial relations so that the future holds no nasty suprises in the shape of angry scorpio goddess.

classes suck. no shock. i long horribly for the travel. soon boy, soon. have faith and trust in the patience. ghana, cambodia, the ISE or china loom brightly in the horizon.

i miss the gang from europe. still. i hope that i can cross thier paths in the future.

the moon is just pass half and im an emotional wreck.

with love, light, and revolution -
d