i think ive got some problems. which sucks. people. sex. and how i view them, hell thats not being honest enough.

i love sex.
i love having sex.
and will do most anything to get it.

that does not include rape. or violence, or paying for it. basically i rely on m verbal skills to get me the bootaaaaay. and my dancing skills(biff) and my fancy fancy fancy-ness, and i couldnt forget the smile.

is that bad?

maybe.

problem generates when i look at my relationships with women and men. and see that most of are based around knowing that person physically.

now, is that bad?

i can be. i think it.
shit

can i see past it? yes. i have friendships that are based on stronger things than that. mike, chris, joe, chris, zoe, sean, zack, katie, renee, shelly.

most of those relations are with men. when i meet women & men(though with men its different) whom dont strike me as being attractive(mind you attractive is code for looks good enough to have sex with) i interact with them differently, i dont flirt with intent, i may flirt but it is in jest and friendship. so the ultimate goal is different.

with men, a man whom i dont want to fuck (and i know is open enough to fuck me) gets treated depending on what they have to offer - see right there - that in the above paragraph i judged women only on level of wanting to fuck, on men, there are two levels before i stopped myself in analysis.

so shit, what now? i pointed it out, from there i can move on. identify and understand then surpass.

to undertstand that women are not just warm bodies. teachers; my knitting would be no where without the teachers i've had - Rebecca, Amy, Doreen. My cooking, the teachers have come from all walks, but my mother and Emma could not be forgotten, not the least of which, miss carrie jackson, that wonderful woman has inspired me to such great heights. politics: Cindy, Chaia, Eli, Allison, Leila, Sarah, Shauna, Darini, Zoe, Sharon(as much as I disagree with her) and im sure to have forgotten someone. Jenai has been a teacher and challenge for me in a myriad of aspects from sex to politics and interpersonal realities. Friendship, that list would echo throught the halls of St.Micheal's in Vatican City. Steph, without her my coffee skills would be shit. Cait, my verbal skills and ability to pander to those who need pandering come in part from her. Eileen, without you I would not be the writer I am, and so much more. Mrs. Moore, something along the lines of survival and attention, but thank you none the less. Sex - Toni, Jenai, Mcat, Cait, Carrie, Vanessa. Without any of you, I would have nothing. Meghan, the value of sports. This is an incomplete list - Johanna, bikes! Ah, shit! Bikes! Aviva, to be a teacher and learn deeper value and patience. Nancy & Shelly, yoga, I thank you deeply. Maria & Mandy, body image.

that is significant. those are people who have gone millions of miles to shape me, knowingly & unknowingly. Each one of those amazing women(and womyn) have moved me miles -- fuck. where do i put ace? -- people are so much more than just bodies of different physical appearance.
I want to run my foot through with a hot poker.

towards a world free of opression.

i really want to re-write the way my brain works - im working on it. I am!

demetrius