I can't say that it never gets easy. There are so many days when I don't know what I'm doing or if I'm just waiting for the next problem. This weekend, including Monday, has a laundry list of challenges attached to it: coworker leaving, missing cellphone, huge fight outside my house, getting mad sick, my roomate (Emily) breaking up with her boyfriend only to find that all her male friends here are confessing their love for her left and right, emily almost got robbed/assualted today, there was a gun pulled and then shot outside of our house, someone broke into the house and stole the cd player, the student today was all out of whack and crying in my sala this morning. Damn son. Its just overwhelming. Really overwhelming. Plus, I have a huge pile of work to do. Gah. I just want to scream. But man, finding those coping mechanisms here are really, really challenging.

But lets talk about the good things: People have been telling me I've lost some wieght, I got complemented on how I handled our student this morning, I didn't get shot or hurt Saturday night, I had fun dancing at the disco till the insanity happened, we had a Nicaraguan cooking classs saturday morning, I met someone who will teach me how to bake a bunch of different cakes, had a good walk with Esperanza, got some work done, talked with Claudia today, Emily and I have been strengthing our friendship and I'm feeling good about my Spanish. The trick is I just can't doubt myself. Gotta have faith. Its just like milk. Does a body good.

This all leaves me bien mezclado, confudido and all sorts of things. Gah.

Silly boy. Like, look at all those things up there. Thats alot right? Im not crazy am I? For anyone to deal with that would be hard. The begged question is: Why? What makes me? Why the fuck am I here? Comparing the good and the bad is it worth it? Can I even ask that question of this process? Are the benefits hidden? Like Easter Eggs that will continue to pop up as I live my life from now on? I am so confused. Why am I doing this? Why do other people? What the fuck do we get out of it? Spanish? Is that worth it? Quien sabe. Ni idea.

Ugh. Horns honk as people persue their status giving games. I really just want to eat a ton of food and not fucking worry about it. And the crowd goes wild for coping mechanisms! I was showering yesterday and thinking about my friend Kadd, his challenges and myself and my challenges and that maybe we are just destroyed humans. So capable, so beautiful and powerful but living broken lives from broken bodies and doing anything we can to survive, just survive. Just not to die. And could you imagine if we were not broken? If we were whole and strong? If we didnt have to focus so much energy on just surviving and could place our energy in creation, love and beauty? What then? What could we do? We dont even know. We dont have that option of knowing because we are always living in this process of struggle just to move ahead with ourselves. If only we werent broken, we'd be whole. If we were whole, I imagine that the world would be a better place. This doesnt mean that it can't be, it just means that we need to work on ourselves first and our communities.

Good night.