ok

so its been more than a month now and im still alive, at last count ive been to over 15 cities and nover 10 countries since i left home and my head has yet to calm down, but not like i really wanted it too. life would be boring if everything made sense to me. but maybe i am duping myself. maybe i am just accepting my first reaction to things with out thinking about what is really going on.

i am building a set of beliefs around myself from which i will launch my opinion at the rest of the world or at least myself.

that makes me uncomfortable, the last thing i want to be is a person with a set of rules and beliefs that are unflexible. but maybe i already am and i dont know it. maybe i dont care and i am wasting time thinking about banal shit. maybe im not. maybe it doesnt really matter .

i saw a guy get robbed today. i didnt say anything. it was scary to watch. really scary.

i didnt do anything and im not sure if i should of. i can justify a hundred ways why i let him get robbed but the most important is that i was afraid for myself. i was afraid that i would get beat up or abuse or robbed or anything for that matter. i saved the rest of my group from getting robbed. and thats all well and good but what am i supposed to do? try to right everywrong out there? and what about right now? im not righting anywrongs at all. im being a fucking turd. minutes like this i really detest who i am and what i am doing. but i cant change the situation and i am getting stuff out of this that mainstream society thinks is useful i am not subverting shit, i am not breaking down existing barriers to control and suffering and i am not being a fucking human being. or maybe i am. i am challeneging myself to take up new tasks that i have yet to do. completing homework assignments and doign reading but i am just programming myself to do more of this in the future or am i bettering myself? i dont know.


i think i might be programming myself here

i think that my parents who expect positive results from this will demand such results of be dissapointed in me and i will be disapointed in myself

and thats crap.

so i choose to challenge myself in these ways
accept the programming but alter it so that i do not have to worry about the crap

i can function without being a slave. can i?

i saw a bear on a leash today. i screamed.

most of the group ran up and looked at it, took pictures, giggled and enjoyed the spectacle. i tried to not cut the leash and let the bear run free, but then where would it go.

that was just a minor manifestation of the horrors one sees daily, that an outright blatant disregard for life, then there are the more vicious and subtle destructions of life.
im just going to try to fight what i can and not die in the process.

with love

d