sometimes it is easier to have relationships of depth and variety with people are not your family members. sometimes it is easier to forget where you come from. sometimes it is easier to recreate your history.

sometimes it is not.

sometimes my family angers me to no end. sometimes they make me laugh and smile and i can feel myself, feel our relationships growing. sometimes i sit in silence during family gatherings. stand alone against a wall, arms crossed, i wonder what i am doing. why i am standing alone.

sometimes you walk into a room and your bring a bad day with you. the stress and the tension of hours on the road, the spin out, and the tension in my back. sometimes one on joke, the first or the second joke just kills it immediately. sometimes you can let them roll off your back like a seal and swim through the conversation gracefully. sometimes you cannot.

i think that my drug dependence is obvious. food. caffeine. alcohol. attention. i think curbing that, changing that, or moving the swing of it slowly in a direction more favorable to me is hard. but i can do it.

im writing this with most of my family in the room. my brother joined a fraternity. the other brother i dont know. i'll be with them for less than 24 hours. most of them i will be in a surly mood. for that i am sorry but this is how i am feeling.

disconnected.

sometimes i cannot let it roll of my back. the actual reasons are not important. they are drops of water. my response is what matters and when i cannot let go or laugh it off, respond honestly i get angry. lies, lies, truth. i dont like that last sentence, nor do i like the bass line coming from the moving. eww. i cannot deal with sex right now.

im going to go try and sleep. get that to do list together and sit down with jenai and mike to practice spanish, cause apparently jenai's spanish is pretty good and i can learn from both of them. little victories, small steps forward, small smiles can sometimes be more rewarding than cross continentals.