its late or early depending on how you look at it and my life has flip flopped again from working days to working nights. im happier, busier, got more cashmoney, and looking forward to a satisfaction that is more immediate yet more longterm as now, after the brief fling in vermont with usft i have found a plan.

nicaragua is the goal, the time is now, and the obstacle cash, so in addition to working working working im going to get rid of some of my shit via ebay or craigslist and practice my spanish daily and dream of rice and beans and that amazing nicaraguan cheese.

there are things i want to talk about like why i ride a bike, summertime and love, hope and faith, and other things that enter my mind when im riding or driving, i dont think ive been writing enough or talking enough about them, so im going to attempt some immediate rectification of that tonight and maybe tomorrow.

oh, and oddly enough, ive been getting aroused like a school boy recently. a tight shirt, a bra line, sparkling eyes and i feel the need to rush the bathroom and relieve myself. wierd, right? why is this happening? i dont know and i mind/dont mind but dont know why and thats the most bothersome aspect of it.

joey is struggling with the job, he has decided to leave it come sept, thats fucking amazing, the one kid i know, who bags a real gig in his desired profession post college is now putting the brakes on. i tell you, that shit will kill you, offices and deadlines, and sitting infront of the box all day or working hard for the money will take years off your life. i bet busting ass nights will do the same, but hell at least i have my time with the sunshine and the road and one gear.

been riding a fixed gear, single speed no brakes no coasting, bike for about week and a half now. i kind of love it kind of hate it, im moving the gear to something easier real soon so that i can stop, skip, etc when needed, this 52x16 business is not healthy for the knees or my safety, but ive been owning the helmet recently and dont mind, it might encourage me to do some stupider stuff on the bike, but, hey? who doesnt have health insurance?

oh right, me.

about that, i look around and see college loans, health insurance bills, and my mother trying to push the car off on me and i laughing thinking that if she gives me the title, im fucking selling that car, buying a sweet bike, and throwing the rest into the bank. im going to work and do my own thing on my own time. that immediately manifests as a nica, longterm? i dont have any fucking clue. but whatever, i dont need to.

and thats a lie cause i do, but right now i dont want to be bogged down i want to move to pace, to explore and to live a life that satisfies my existing needs - adventure, exposure and mental explosions come immediately to mind.

i might ban beantowne from the list of places, cause im getting bored, not with the people, but the setting, then again if i ban beantowne all the coffeeshops in bergen have got to go and im not quite there yet. but in the save money book, not consuming drinks/food on a regular basis outside the house is a new challenge. i did real well, till today, but i didnt go home all day and couldnt prep for it. next week is a new challenge. one i gladly accept. smiles.

it was nice and interesting getting legless with zach and some ridgewood kids the other day. nice, just nice, bordering on dull. but engaging. just kind of numbing. numbing. numbing.

i did run across a boy the other day at a bike shop and he does interest me, but as always im scared, will continue to be, but i want to hang out if for no other reason than to talk bikes and learn things, cause he knows things that i want to know and how fucking good is it to ride bikes with someone or do anything with someone in a casual noncompetive way? so fucking good. ha and i need to bake cookies this week. ha and leora gets home on tuesday ha. and i have to go to the library to get lolita and the zinn bike book and then finish the 20 pages by the 21st, not to mention the reading for it, and the log, and then i volunteer to do a bunch of bergen action fair trade shit, and then loving someone actively and van gets home in two weeks and i have yet to really reset my clock the world to me still kind of exists around college school time and fordyce is still texting me, and my goals are playing this wierd second fiddle to the hope that pushes and pulls me towards the what could be from love to work to life to plans to change to option, i fall on patterns and, yeah patterns in ways so predictable i cant break them and seeing them is like searching through the fog, what happened to the fireflies from earlier this summer? did i ever take kate to see them? no.

what the fuck is this mess?

and everyones back from india with yumiko and i drunk dialing last night, jackson and i stopped writing letters, laura i have have stopped corresponding, my mail is junk and bills, andrew is trying to organize a shindig, jenai and i actually spoke the other day with out yelling or being nasty and i think my mother is really sick and controlling, this is like diarhrea of the mouth/mother for those interested or uninterested, the tip of the ice berg and looking through windows at what was and wondering how ive gotten to where i am and being so thankful about not walking certain paths yet not so sure about other choices, this is just the tip of the iceberg and i hope that more can be exposed to cut through the hull and sink the titanic so i can swim. and drown.