rar.

is that significant enough to describe my feelings right now? torn up like a dog toy. worn through like an old sock. disregarded like the maid. disrespected like the trans warrior.

like an inspired spark from the campfire freed by the wind, carried over the pond, i burn up over the water and disintegrate into the rippling pool of midnight ink. both sides of me exist simultaneously, the tension between is debilitating, and my heart almosts bursts while my mind burns out on the hamster wheel.

campfire coals burn low, i am the begining and the end. love rages like a wildfire, intuitively guided by the winds, moving swiftly along the ridge line, cresting as i climax then crashing, tumbling, rolling, cascading down the mountain consuming every organism in my path with an unquenchable hunger.

for?

flesh, to sate carnal desires roaring in my groin, flashing in my mind.

now to dissect and anazlye each of those longings, to learn why. due to my confusion, i cant just accept actions for action, i need to have background, which is ridiculous because often, i act strongly on emotional impulses. are they justified in this territory?

lost like a 6 month pup, whimpering, crouching in the brush during a thunderstorm, with paindrops breaking through, leeching the warmth out of me, releasing it indiscriminately, scattered to the wind my warm kindness is. I sit quietly contemplating the hum of chewbacca keeping the machines in line, using technology to create and express not exploit and opress, but is that ok? or am i justifying bullshit? adding rationale to something that should not be rationalized. does anyone else feel this? does anyone say anything? and how can i share this with you, when i dont know if you are one of them. you know, those, the ones who layed the torment on thick like spackle between each aspect of socialization, finalizing the control mechanism and capitalization of my life.

more than anything i want honest and willing association.

repetition: debilitation.

struggle. can that word be used legitimately here? in the belly of the post colonialist beast, i writhe from the acrid fumes of rotting compost, ignored, not turned nor mixed with grass clippings to expediate the transformation process. with language so nuanced and misused i doubt truth when i hear those words. i hate that. but simultaneously, Fuck simultaneously/duality and limited understanding. im going to bed. Fuck you.