asking questions again. trying to decipher what my actions mean and why they happened. last night was fun, driven by multiple forms of contact dancing, tag, sardines, theatre sports, an animal game, and break dancing lessons. those activities were sadly numbed by the drinking, campfire, and jam session that lasted all evening long. Although, the combination of music, games, a full moon, and the eclectic array of people created a wonderful environment, an overall good time.
confusion over desire, actions, impressions and interactions. lust, laying thick in my blood, was drawn up by the moon, moving in me to move me sensitivly, aggressivly, jealously, like a human. disrespectful too. anger at rejection. lack of understanding. sadness. what rejection? You've made nothing obvious. shyness. fear.
todays personals were hilarious, its funny how they can be so pleasantly perfect thus given weight; yet when not they are discarded. lovingly fickle. its honest in a way, a delusional way. its maintaining an intentionally fuzzy reality. at times i think im so fucking ugly it doesnt matter. and that maybe i should just smash my skull in and be done with it.
other times i smile and have love for myself; knowing that i am living in each moment, creating, expanding, fulfilling nascent potentialites within me thus not being a slug, not letting thorns in my sole slow me down, not letting rain put out my fire, not letting broken dishes reasonate like shockwaves of earthquakes and create landscapes i cant manage.
what presses against me is the knowledge that our powers and abilities will wither, rot, and die like cucumber plants in direct sunlight.
i think im fine, i think im smiling, im attempting to not worry, just live; like life is an orchard during first blossom. so i stroll, picking and choosing the flowers i fancy and sticking them behind my ears.