my problem is not starting but carrying through with an idea, for i have many of them and wish to explore all them until each are beautiful and grown and flower like an azelea.

and what? do i be honest with her about what could be the most painful thing ever? one she is probably painfully aware of? or do i shove it behind clouds of other reasons there was no progession to intimacy? is her appearance really such a roadblock? yes and no. yes because i was socialized to desire what i desire, no because if there is beauty underneath why worry about the appearance above? because others will. because i need to be comfortable with anyone i would spent intimate time with.

is she just making me feel bad and thus making me reconsider why i have chosen to not push into this any farther? in a sense yes, but i totally initiated contact and conversation and have helped to further it. that should not make me feel obligated to do anything. i am however attracted to her mind, without question really. and want to know her better in that sense.

she said that there are parts of her i will never know and that she hesitates to tell because she does not want to scare me off. legitamate, there are things i would tell no one about my past, things i am not proud of at all. we all have our secrets. i hesitate not to use words with those negative connotations. for they are totally appropiate.

this is a situation, delicate and tender that i am not ready to advance upon.

and fuck there is tons of other reality that crops up right now as well. im going to have to cancel with jenai for tonight because of guilt and hmwk obligations. the only work that must be done is flyer making. and that can be embarked upon individually.