Nocturna died today.

i believe that means she is dead.

as in she will not be able to make me smile anymore at the end of a long day - she will not be able to great me from the top of the stairs with a curious rowr from her throat - she will not be able to head butt me in the morning to wake me up - she will not be able to harass me for food during the wee hours of the night - she will not be there to warm up my lap or keep me company while reading - she will no longer be able to wind her way around my legs demanding attention - there will be no more flying leaps into my lap for love - no more window sill balancing acts - no more feeding her out of my hand - no more hugs or head rubs.

fuck.

today was good till this happened - but i knew when my mom left the message on my phone death was involved somehow - orginally i thought it was my grandmother - but no, it was Nocturna. which in some ways is worse and someways not - i dont want to compare whether or not a dead grandma outwieghs a dead cat.

i never seem to feel real sadness when i hear about someone dying, someone i knew or was close to me - my aunt died and i was sad but not tears sad, my gandpa died and i was also sad but not tears sad, animals have come and gone and i have not been sad to the point of expressing it and such. it is confusing. tonight was good. i did some crying and some thinking about it and other things. i dont feel satisfied and it will probably swing back round and hit me later but thats fine.

i am not looking forward to my mock supreme court trial tomorrow because now i have this on my mind and the fact that i might be in jail on friday night. why might demetrius and his four friends be in jail on friday night? here is what happened and i will relate the rest of the details at a later point in time. its funny how quickly things of previous importance can become so totally trivial and paper thin. i.e. school. the center of the universe for any one under 18 - almost anyone - and now it is no more important to me than whether or not i wipe my ass - and only carries additional wieght in my mind because i have to devote time outside of school to school related activities and that is horrible. i still have yet to find acceptable justification for hmwk, tests, quizzes, or any of the work you produce that is evaluated by teachers/professors. that kind of stuff is not conducive to learning in the least - it only prevents people from engaging themselves in work, ideas, or fields of study that are of intrest to them because we end up focusing our efforts on shit like calculus or biology or proper grammar.

there are days in which i want to kill my dictionary. yay. death to the dictionary.

i have a crush on someone. ha. i love love and life.

and people who are obsessed with 'scene' or whatever it is called make me want to die of laughter.

think nice about nocturna - she was most excellent. and furry too. this still sucks.

nite.

love.