and where to go from here?


i am absolutely petrified and elated at the fact that i might not want to come home from hawaii.

terrified of what it means.

giddy with excitement at what it means.

afraid vanessa might not feel the same as me - afraid things with her might go south at some point before then - but i do not forsee such horror occuring.

this summer - sigh - i cannot wait for this summer - my excitement over whelms me at the possible possibilities that lay in front of me. sigh. smile. breathe deep.

the kids are kickin it and i love it. the people i have surrounded myself are solid - good people - real people - posing perfect challenges for me when i want them and when i do not want them. forcing me to rethink my actions and choices. thank you guys and gals.

i believe i have done something which might pleasantly escalate into something else more volatile and irritable but then again when was emotion ever managble and serene?

why would anyone want it to be?

ive got cum all over my hand. :) i am dirty - i love it.

its been 2 weeks and 2 days since i showered. most excellent.

the cast of characters at my work are by far the most eccentric, ecclectic, over top, and pleasantly disturbed folk i know.
for example, today i was talking with a drifter fellow whose name i have yet to get, but he is trying to undercover the roots of new jersey's housing policy for mentally disturbed youths. apparently youths ages 5-17 are being housed in the same room or living quarters. while i know nothing about mentally disturbed youths, i know that the older you are the more propensity you have for inflicting cruel and unusual punishment upon those smaller and weaker than you. so housing 5 to 17 year olds in one space can only lead to problems. anyway, i will keep everyone posted.

joey called today.

joey is a whole other story. i love joey. we have been through some good shit together, had some excellent times, ive gotten him to do some insane shit in his day, and he has held me back like a pair of fucking cement shoes. fuck you joey. fuck your obsessive paranoia fuck your want to be safe and comfortable fuck your passitivity fuck you. kick my ass, you fucking sell out, you fucking reformist, fuck you. im burning through life at a break neck speed and you are greasing your goddamn wheels at the starting line waiting for the safety inspector to declare the track 'safe'. FUCK SAFE. fuck the police joe - fuck overreacting joe its too fucking late for that joe. fuck death joe. fuck the system joe. fuck fucking up joe and fuck not willing to fuck shit up or let shit fuck you up and then see where it stands fuck the condemming look you have in your eyes when i dreamily speak of freedom of pain of life of death of taking it back from the bastards whole have control of it. fuck you for being a green joe. fuck you for being happy with jo, joe. fuck me for being happy with vanessa. fuck it all joe, lets go fucking die and relive high school as zombies, bust out the fucking yearbook one more time and i will busst your fucking nose joe. fuck you joe. fuck you.

paper time.

love.