10:40pm, late for indian standards, the staff are all sleeping or drinking and i sit in the office with kathrin(german intern). we both are writing to far away people in far away places because the people here dont satisfy. for her there is a boy in mali with whom she is deeply in love and is going to live with in august. for me it is a little bit different.

im having serious issues dealing with a woman on this trip. history is necessary though i want to skip it. for now. i feel as if all this is in my head sometimes. as if ive just drawn battle lines and her and i are at war. i came to the conclusion the other day that my actions towards women are all designed to control them. they manifest differently but the purpose is elicit certain responses and behaviours from women; responses and behaviours that please me.

what does this have to do with the immediate situation? my roomate has become increasingly close friends with jenai and i find that almost unbearable. i feel as if she has given up our friendship for the one she has with jenai. i feel her actions towards me have become hostile and passive agressive. with my roomate behaving as such and my general isolation from the group alot of time with the group is uncomfortable for me. very uncomfortable. along with this persistant itching. and i can no longer control or have the semblance of control over her actions. that is what fundamentally bothers me here. is that a woman over whom ive have no control has now become friends with a woman of whom i had a level of control over and taken her away from me.

away from me. ME. this is an issue of possesion and more so of control. and of competition.

this makes the room uncomfortable this makes talking with her outside the room almost impossible so that there is no wy to develop anything with any sense of continuity.

my mind works really fast, really really fast. i come to conclusions based on assumptions which are total fabrications of reality so that ive painted an insane picture of the social scene here as being entirely aligned against me in less than 6 hours.

that is psychotic. it drives me crazy. really painfully crazy.

i lack the ability to just calm down. to let my mind not focus exclusively on the negative experiences or negative constructions in my mind. the good experiences tend to flow right by. i leave good moments and make bad memories. its funny to realize how much of this is a mental construction of me vs. the outside world.

today i had good exchanges with jenai, brittany, lawrence, larry, andrew, and yumiko not too mention fantastic moments with lata, chicana, samantha(that wasnt fantastic, just nice) jayama, luckama, ruckama, jayama, krishna, gopi, and rageesh. i mean, thats alot. thats alot of good things to leave behind in favour of the bad.

the created battle lines between myself and jenai are self perpetuating. there has been no words exchanged between us of significant air for weeks now. i really need to iniate some type of conversation between us and attempt to just talk with her. i think its possible.

what do i want to talk about? how i feel around her. uncomfortable, forced, painfully aware of everything i do as being disgusted despised and bad, bad, bad. sexist, patriarchal, hierarchal, authoritarian etc etc etc, all the bad words of my recent past are being thrown in my face by the way she makes me feel. its about how she makes me feel...no, its about how we interact...no, its about all of these things? no...there is something i cannot place my finger upon right now. something about how we interact that is contaminated that feels as if it can never be right again.

the battle lines go as far dividing school and play. ive got school, she has play. and because she has it any minute of play that she and I share with the group is painful and i construct what other people think and the whole dynamic of group activities has a life in my head which is fundamentally anti-demetrius and all he stands for. in my head ive been demonized and outcaste; dejected and dislike; alone and isolated from people here is how i feel.

and she gets built up in my mind like some fucking demon whose sole purpose is to exacerbate the tensions between us into full scale combat which in my fantasies ultimately involves me wining through so and so...but i paint her as being ever vigilant of my moves and i feel as if she is observing everything and noting down my transgressions against people to use later as ammunition in the public denunciation.

yeah, fuck.

but i know that these feelings are based strongly in my constructions and assumptions of other peoples thoughts and actions. in other words, im lying to myself about how others feel in order to create an inferiority complex which i can use to put my self up on an imaginary pedestal. upon that pedestal i gain a superiority complex which i use to hold myself above everyone else. that way, not only am i discriminated against but also better than everyone else.

not so fucking healthy, ya?

i dont know what to do. but i think that by putting myself through this questioning things are getting alittle better, now ive just got to start talking.

and to deal with this itching and possible outbreak of hpv. Fuck. that worries me. really worries me.