so, its got potential.

an all white student group working to combat white supremacy, not my idea, problematic, but it has potential.

me. i do not know if i have potential. i fucked up. alot. i caused pain. i hurt someone. ive hurt someones. ive caused pain that rips up history and occupies time and mind like an obsession. ive hurt people, badly. i am shit.

ive been called out, in public. that hurt. good. bad. why. argh. i dont understand. i understand. pain. confusion. rejection. anger. rage. rage. rage. calm. acceptance. rage. searching. not finding, but knowing that i wouldnt. apologizing. im sorry. this is bigger than me.

instituionalized.

social systems.

socialized.

racism, sexism, white supremacy.

i am a racist. i am a sexisit. i am a white supremacist.

i am anti-racist, i am a feminist, anti-sexism, anti-gender oppression, anti-gender construction, anti-binary, i am anti-white supremacy, i am anti-KKK, i am anti-quotas, i am not enough.

actions speak louder than words. so i act. alot. i attempt to understand it, i ask questions and challenge myself, often. i continue to push it, cause i know that every second it will push back and ive got to build those muscles by resisting this bullshit like an animal fighting for its life. because it is my life, your life, our lives that i am fighting for. fighting for freedom is about fighting oppression, especially oppressions that you benefit from and fighting like hell.

chris crass spoke at the SOA Watch Protests last weekend. He is amazing. Inspiring. So much so that I shelled out 6 bucks for some literature. that brother moves me.

being called on my sexism, is not a badge of honor for doing good work. it happens when you do this work, it is necessary and painful and opens space for me to ask questions and challenge myself and others to call me on my bullshit, to call myself on my sexism, racism, egoism, and supremacy. i can fight this. i will fight this. it will be a never ending part of my life and will fucking do it till i die. hopefully i'll die a spot freer, and with more room for others too.

i was called on my sexism. fuck. it hurt, alot, she knew it would and it helped her. good. thats progress. it gave her space and was for her protection. good. good. good. painful. good.

thats all for now. ive got alot of reading to do. cunt, bell hooks, audre lord, every other feminist i can get my hands on and then some. this cant stop now. i am sexist, ive got to continually remind myself of that and continually understand how it manifests in me and what my combatting sexism(thought, actions, social structures) will manifest as.

ai

demetrius