more south africa for those interested.



July 2 2003
Apartheid Musuem.
Youth movement, labor uprising, alot of stuff.
the trip got better today, but well, not soooooo much...
let me rephrase that. the apartheid musuem was amazing, fantastic, inspiring, stunning - it brought me to tears at points and almost brought me to violence, crying while reading/watching about the soweto uprising - killing 13 year olds - the denial of education. just hearing Botha say "dont push us to far" made me want to smash the fucking television. the amount of laws passed to maintain apartheid was in the area of 50. the women's uprising 20,000 women marching on pretoria. fucking inspiring. made me smile watching the youth with petrol bombs made me want to make a petrol bomb. smiles. i really wanted more time there. there was so much information that i missed or simply glanced at cursorily. the pencil test? that is crazy. chameleons. making sure that no whites ever became blacks or no blacks became whites. whats the difference anyway? the build of the musuem was spectacular. magnificent, beautiful. shadows and contrast.. huge simplicity and overwhelmingness. foundations of democracy. the use of wide open spaces and the use of mirrors felt very pleasant and natural. i really enjoyed the musuem.
shall we move onto the day to day? lets.
group meeting. ha. fucking group meeting. i hate the group mind, the group mentality, group mindset. the journal. should it be hand written? you all get to help me decide. ok. this is a journal. an intimate accounting of our adventure and experiences, computers are not intimate, not personal creations, computers are dead machines. find me emotion or passion or warmth on a computer and ill cut off my left thumb. the rudeness of people while discussing this. tiara and toya particularly. tiara "why are even discussing this?" hell-the-fuck-lo! this is particpatory democracy, direct democracy, discussion of the issues is needed so that everyone has a full understanding of the implications of their decisions before they are made. it is just silly not to educate yourself about something before voting on it. i know we all do it but that dont make it ok. and for toya - showing respect? Respect?? its not disrespectful to ask questions and voice opinions and even to argue with the supposed authority. the authority can be wrong, could of not thought of something, and is thinking in their mindset, which like everyone else's is singular and limited to their knowledge and experience. it shows more respect to the teacher to ask questions and hope that they dont know the answers so that they can learn something along with us. showing respect is not immediately cowing to the authority at hand. that is not respect that is servitude and thats fucking rude. and abstaining? that is like not voting. its only useful in consensus decision making processes and this was not consensus. and 5 out of 10 aint a majority. which is why voting is a bullshit form of democracy. its not even democratic its absurd.
the group when they see mcdonalds: yay!!! kfc: yay!!! snapple: yay!!! beer: yay!!! me: i can get this fucking shit in america. why would i get it here? where is the south african food? their culture? where is the attraction in going to an american style club and fancy western restuarant or staying in the holiday inn? these are all part of the american hegemony. a hegemony that contributed to the apartheid government, and corporations of such a hegemony that financed and invested in it through the worst years of it. where is the SA food? the native tongues? the ways of life not driven by consumption? the tribes? the hunter gatherers? the pastoralists? while the musuem was spectacular and mind blowing. the rest of the trip was not - is not. everywhere i go, there is an american corporation on the corner, and american logo on the face of things. the next person to tell me that we arent living in an empire - militarily, culturaly, economically - are getting a big mac to face followed by a daisy cutter. this shit is fucking absurd.
and ive got to be the only one who sees it. dr.davis - the woman - she maybe sees it. dropped a comment about consumerism, but followed it up by buying up most of south africa.
that evening while wating for the shuttle back to the hotel, i was chit chatting with some doormen. they think that things have gotten better slowly after apartheid. they admit that the economic barrier is there and that unemployment is a huge issue. i spoke to a woman on the shuttle about it as well - she thinks things have changed - but could not elaborate due to my limited knowledge of northern sotho or sutu. a gentleman in the van with us heard me say that america does very little for its own citizens but does way too much for the rest of the world. he took offense to this, to my ingratefulness and said that america was great because of it's generosity and it's willingness to help others. i laughed in my head. he used the recent invasion and conquering of iraq as an example. i explained that it was economic and geo-political positioning behind the war, not humanitarian issues. i cited sanctions, indiscriminate bombings, trigger happy soldiers(the kind that shoot anti-american protesters) and the staged rescue of pvt. lnych as examples of this. he was not phased. another gentleman sitting in the front of the van backed me up with more reasons, facts, figures and logistics. we smiled at each other. our debate opponent was a bit taken aback. i finished up our discussion with a brilliant statement about america's military control of the second largest known oil reserves in the world, thus giving them economic control over such potential future threats as china, japan, EU, and russia. my debate partner explained how a war is good for the economy thus adding another aspect to the situation. i smiled again. i talked with my debate partner, a durbanite, and he informed me that Soweto(south western township) had been designed by the apartheid govervnment in such a manner that it could be bombed out in two minutes flat. pretty interesting, huh?
i should of chit chatted with him more, but i did not, and allowed missed oppurtunity to bite me in the ass, again. lovely, no?
for the first time in all my travels, i really miss my friends.
the masses of people outside the club, monsoon, were writhing packs of hormones - each looking the same, differing only in the accepted confines fucking stinking perfume and cologne. i mentally looked over myself and looked at them and was like shit. look at me. stiched up hoodie, sandals, one foot with nail polish, havent shaved or showered in weeks and my hair is sticking out at odd angles. i dont care what the lot of them thought - it was hopefully a mixed reaction. but i realized then as i realize now. i love me. i love who i am. what i do. why i do it. and i love knowing what i want and what i like. its funny to think that i have already written 24 pages and its only the start of the third day
here. but i like it. this is good writing and i am smiling.

July 4 2003
yeah no entry yesterday i was tired and lazy but today was huge and out of control. i knew SA was going to blow my mind, but this? this was out of C-O-N-T-R-O-L. but i loved it and the past two days have really brought our part of the group together even if capetown sucks we will have fun because of the group.
yesterday morning we had an intimate forum with two officials from the SA gov. it was excellent for me. exciting too, because i got to ask questions and such about things like free trade, wto, and so on. made me smile. SA particpates in a slew of regional, continental, and world organizations to further certain causes. also works closely with the non-aligned countries. i dont know why this stuff is interesting to me. but it is. why? maybe it is the grasping at a global community based on monetary exchange which has the potential for love and true community to be built. maybe because these multi-lateral trade agreements bring together people from many walks of life to fight them. maybe it is that community which attracts me, maybe it is the fight that attracts me. maybe its the beautiful activists who attract me. maybe its the whole shee-bang. but i like it.
monty asked some amazing questions today while in soweto. do the kids have school? if they can afford it. is there a community? yes. do the people help each other out? if they can. they might - i would hope they do. the kids today were fighting over the little bits of food we were giving out like ducks at the duck pond. is it desparation? animal instincts taking over? each kid, if allowed, would without a doubt, fight kick scream claw bite and beat their way to the front of the food line, top of the food chain. we are animals and it is survival of the fittest which dictates which genes are passed on. if you cant hack it tough. ouch that hurts. but its true. is it? isnt it? when we saw these kids, we gave all the food we had. i gave all i had. monty gave a kid his hat. without thinking, mind you, the mad rush to give these kids food was just as animalistic as their scrapping for the food. our natural desire to help took over our actions, while the kids desire to survive guided theirs. we were all animals for those few minutes. but on different farms in different cages with different owners and rules. but we were all animals regardless of the rules. it was as intense as it gets. i wish i had brought more to give. i wish i had been told that we were going to be here. if i had known, i would of cleaned out the whole fucking 4 star buffet. i was honestly unaware of how deep the poverty ran. you always see the kids on the tv. but you dont think you will actually see the kids on tv. and then? what do you do? you give all you have and feel empty and then cry and empty out even more.
for me, a white kid from the suburbs. the privilege i have known and grown accustomed to. upper middle. i felt like shit. this was nuts. i knew poverty existed. i knew it was here. but i have never known it. i will probably never know it. unless i choose to. ha. i get conflict over even asking that question to myself.
when you grow up sheltered you just dont know. you know it exists but you dont know it. you just dont know it. and when you see it. its such a shock you dont know what to do or how to act. you freeze. you cry and you pity yourself and them. and then what? i dont know. ill never know.
so many kids so many mouths to feed.
now we are in capetown and i thought jo-burg was a pinnacle of consumer culture. not even close. capetown reminds me more of jersey than jersey.
to top the whole enchilada off: racism in its most innocent and ignorant form has been bestowed upon me now. and i, in a sense, now know racism. there is an event that occurs later in which i experience racism in its most outright and purposeful form. this current event was much more innocent, and thus much more amazing.
Monty, Chris, Nate, and i were exploring our lodgings in capetown, looking for computers to check our email. they knew of a small library in part of the building with computers, we headed off to it. upon arrival there, the three of them went in and i lingered outside looking at something and being silly. i walked in after them, maybe 2 minutes after they walked in, i stood behind them, quietly listening to what they were discussing with the librarian, he was telling them that the library was for the business students only. after that sentence, he addressed me directly and asked if i needed to get through. i said no and he went back to talking with nate. and then it hit us. chris first, then me, then monty, and nate. we left. laughed about it and moved on.
what happened? chris monty and nate are black. me white. the librarian could not understand that i was with them, couldnt grasp it. had no concept of it. and based on that he discriminated against monty, nate, and chris. when i realized what happened i was in shock. mouth wide open like a whale. no clue, totally perplexed by what just transpired. could not get over the fact that it just happened. we had a good laugh about it. when the group of us went out to eat later, i asked chris if that really happened. then i asked him if that type of thing happens to him often. he laughed. yes they do, my whole life, and they will probably happen to my kids and hopefully it wont happen to their kids. its silly that people are judged just by how they look without knowing who they are. i smiled. chris, sga president sellout politician chris, was amazing. the way he said it and his tone was just flat out straight up neat and honest. it was great for me to hear and see. another shock to my already vibrating cranium. im not sure if i can take all this. another two weeks? i might just die. and so now, i know racism. this was the first time i felt white. not just feeling white, but feeling ashamed to be in my skin. feeling judged because of how i look.
silly fucking group dynamics rotting my brian. i am a loner - a drifter - the lone ranger the lone writer the solo strider - people just make me feel - at times - uncomfortable real uncomfortable afraid nervous scared embarressed useless stupid unconfident ignorant emotionally inept mad hateful confused sad bored over worked not who i want to be.
but - at times - people make me smile happy energetic sexy cool confident amazed inspired spurred driven empowerd ignited lighted curious brave joyous safe wild exploratory deep unique manly attractive kick ass - perfect.
TORN.

July 6 2003 - my 20th birthday - what a day.
this entry contains thoughts occuring on july 7th and 8th as well.
church. there are alot of church things i hate dont like fucking despise. the subjagation of culture and the changing of names
the language which places others above you, more important, than you, enforces your sin, THE CONCEPT OF SIN, the smell, how the mass is in english sans singing, the god god god jesus jesus jesus talk. jesus is dead - the belief that one died and rose again the propaganda one can do good with out wasting your time with this god crap. why do people continue to have faith in something that is so untangible why do people continually place control of their lives in a fucking fairy tale this is no different than a glorified hans christian anderson. enforcing the different levels of importance. slamming all the fault on eve. women - that is fucking absurd. look at our world now. who is causing and has been most responsible for the horror seen in the past two thousand years - MEN. the worst of which by white men. this is so disgusting enforcing an absurd set of rules based on a fairy tale. the saying that with higher levels of dignification you need to do more and more to appease that person if you err. that is absurd as well. why believe that anyone is more important than yourself or yourself more important than anyone else. why feel the need to bestow importance on another simple human being. we are all silly fucking humans. the church does nothing for us humans but brain wash - maybe i cant phrase this in an eloquonet manner but i feel it. i feel that it is wrong and that no one but no one should have control over others lives except themselves.
organized religion enforces hierarchy. fuck hierarchy. who else besides yourself knows what is better for your life?
after the 3 hour fucking shit session in a goddamn noisy cage we went off to a sheebeen or some spelling like that. think speakeasy circa 1920's but in a township. it was swank. good beer, nice bartender nice atmosphere. drank half a bottle of something it was good. got a pleasant buzz going on. i am officially a lightwieght. smile. i left the beer and went to talk to the community members. i watched monty adopt a kid. mont was in tears. i rather quickly followed suit. caroline and i talked to a few men about how things are. and what is going on. they talked and talked and talked and it was excellent and the whole time they managed to slip in the request for money and food. and i understood. and i felt ashamed and bad, i was saving the money i had for my food. need to feed the extra fat i gotta maintain the poundage. right? right. i listened to him talk, quietly interjecting thoughts here and there. caroline kept hammering home the importance of sticking together with fellow nieghbors, the community to increase their own power. that that power can nto be stopped by the largest gov, the worst military, the fattest wallet or the meanest dictator. there aint no power like the power of the people and the power of the people wont stop. hell yeah.
i bought a box of food for the man we were talking to and never felt so empty afterwards.
after the visit to the shebeen and the township, we trekked off to table mountain. magnificent. gorgeous. spectacular beautiful stunning. the view was all of the above and the wind was refreshing-invigorating-slightly terrifying-but altogether wonderful. i was smiling the entire time.
before the riding in a rotating cable car to the promontory we had a meeting to address how the group was feeling emotions were running high high high high high. the meeting was about our reactions to what we have seen so far on this trip and the point we were at. there was a deluge of emotions a tirade of expression and concern and calls for action. sentiments that i echo because we have wasted such a large amount of time doing nothing good or useful and it is our way of life that maintains this horrible status quoe. judging by the scheduling of the trips to townships, the sights we saw, the order we saw them in, the reading, and the goading of dr davis - there was an emotional climax today. one he was agitating and angling for. i felt physcologically played. i hate that feeling. he wanted and he knew a reaction similar to this was going to happen - for his playing of games i say fuck him - that was not cool - i understand the desire of his to encourage us to take both an intrest and an active role in the future of SA. but manipulating us into reacting a certain way was not cool. not at all. it is the same thing politicians do to elicit a desire response from their constiuency. while davis's intentions were good, that does not make up for that fact that he did manipulate us. not cool in the least.
the meeting began on an emotional and spiritual high note. but ended with the old people slowly trying to and succeedding in quelling our desire to accomplish while hereby making empty promises about potential manifestations back home. the group bought it, hook line and sinker. we all went quietly into the night.
I knew i that i wont be here in the fall so i cannot contribute but with excess time the time we waste each day these thoughts i share with caroline and toya at least. there is a skeletal operating structure on this trip but no tangibility or accountability for the students. Davis knows what we are doing ahead time. but he does not tell us until we are already there or a small amount of time prior. i fell that that does not allow us to prepare mentally and physically for where we are going. but it, like everything else on this trip, is a two sided coin. and where are the lectures? and the talks? i was expecting lectures, im a nerd, i enjoy lectures and talks, and there has been one so far and im fucking starved for knowledge. rar. aggravation.
after table mountain we returned to the hotel, and then waited for a bit until we headed off to dinner at an indian restaurant, one i had discovered while walking the other day. it was banging, i mean banging, large portions of food, roti which is amazing tortilla like bread, and birthday music. i enjoyed it immensely, felt special. we lef the restaurant hootin and hollerin making a ruckus to scare off any crazy muggers, if it wasnt successful it was fun we laughed really loud - when we got back - we had a meeting with dean davis which turned out to be a surprise biirthday party for me! i was shocked amazed touched awed - i got fruit and cake - caroline picked em out special for me. this has never happened to me before. when they brought in the cake i actually though that the cake was for someone else, caroline or toya, and when i realized it was for me - it was just such a shock. it ruled really did. we then watched kings of comedy which had some funny bits. then i felt sick. all in all best bday in a while.
the 7th was more real - we started late - 1pm visited mandela park - a township with some entrupenurship. they also had an amazing community center, sewing classes, kitchen for the community, computer classes, volunteer staffed with 6 week rotations, excellent all around. inspiring. walking around - horrible. just horrible, the amount of poverty present was uncontrollable. the poverty got worse as we walked more. drank a bit of shitty home brewed beer. home brewed and a killer. we then had the oppurtunity to see an informal choir sing some amazing songs - the power of this tiny group was stellar. i kept thinking if these kids had the same oppurtunity i had - mrs.morneweck - the ugly yellow room - the early morning - the late nites - the care. if they had that - all state, all county, all eastern seaboard, all country - limitless possibility and my ass sleeping through choir - being late - being an ass - not appreciating what i had. by the time they were on the second song i was in tears. i dont even care that they were all bible beating songs. the force of the music was uncontrollable and as davis said human spirit and my two cents - not the holy spirit.
i wrote a letter to van. we will see how that goes.
yesterday was a game drive- good times - ignoring the exploitation of animals was not easy, especially watching the lions - such magnificence in a cage - that upset me - made me think.
its nice today - warm air.
about freedom why we put ourselves in cages freely - watching birds fly over fields you dont notice how much distance they cover, but in cities, watching them fly from windows, it seems as if they cover more ground because the ground is covered with human denominations of space. buildings, stores, cars, tightness, efficent use of space. made me realize how much space humans and animals need - animals - also that we are not designed to be sequestered in these cramped spaces - we desire open land freedom - the space to do as we please. the way we live now is not smart, it is not wise, is not healthy, and is not evolutionarly stable.
i almost cried when i saw the lions - i was overwhelmed with a sense of emotion - to free those lions to open the cage and let do as they will. i understand the ALF and why they feel that way and how they arrive to those places.
then the truck got stuck in the mud. i was happy as shit. finally something unplanned on this goddamn trip. we got to get out and help. play in the mud. vanessa. i loved it. the guide was cute.