i dont know what time it is. the tv echoes in the background, my brother leaves the tv on and wanders searching for something he doesnt understand, letting his emotions lash out and manifest in parties, anger, distraction, transfer. the other brother doesnt act like he lives here, using his bedroom for sex and thats about it, he slangs and bangs with the best wannabe thugs of mahwah and thinks he is invincible, just like me when i was 17, how scary. my mother cruises the streets of nyc, haunting her memories and those of her father because she cant let go and has to feel everything out, constantly doing things for the family even as we hurt her, test her, push her boundaries and buttons. my father, like my mother kind of lives and dies for work and tv. it so odd to watch them sit down and zone out, responding absentmindedly to comments, questions, and queries. it is sad. but this is only one side of them.

i cant show my father in his glory riding the lawnmower at the farm or my mother in her splendor hosting parties round the holidays. i cant show my brothers and i laughing. or playing stupid and tormenting each other for hours in good humor. the negative side of them, my family, always shines through. it seems so much more active. but i cant remember everything.

hard.

i like illiteration. alot. and that 70s show is making me smile.

ai

d