so i bought a new banadana today, a few of them in fact. a red one, a yellow one, a brown and white one, and a real nice bright but strong blue one. i just wiped my hands with the blue, wiping off the remains of last nights rice and sambar which i just gleefully ate with my hands.

im angry. we should start there. im angry that they are tearing down more woods on rt 202. im angry that i didnt make alot tonight at work. im angry that we didnt get to bake pies tonight. im angry about my inability to resist food. and im angry at myself cause i dont know. im really challenged to figure out why i am hanging out with people. and this is specific, but im a bit hesitant to fully disclose cause she at some point will read this, she has a name. ha oh man. im not stating the name, cause this is for her and not y'all.

its like why do you let yourself do these things? why do you let a strong friendship get tainted by 'stuff'? huh? ha, cause the hormones, the sex drive, the passion that makes the heart beat faster rules all. it dominates. i dont mind that. and then i want to hold hands, i want to be that guy, the guy and her to be that girl, the girl. i want to be part of a couple. but with who? is she a convienient replacement for people far away? can i really rate people like that? can i really say that? no. i cant cause people are so different and if let myself trick myself like that then id just be a fucking dumbass. and this all is ridiculous. cause im unstable. she too isnt stable, and not in the lock and key straight jacket way, but niether of us seem to be able to hold onto relationships for long. and we are friends and friends dont date, right? especially friends who make out, that's be ridiculous. just, we couldnt date, cause it would ruin many things. dating is so fucking finite. i want friendship and its infinite aspects. fuck dating's make or brake duality. why cant we hold hands as friends? we can. its all there.

i dont know. i know i feel wierd when she talks about the boy she met last night, but i ask questions anyway, because im her friend. and she will listen to me talk about leora, or this new girl i met named jen, and im happy for her to debrief with me about her coffee with sean and im thrilled warmed smiling going away glowing from our long hugs in parking lots but tonight i walked away bitter. i was upset there was no kissing. i wanted kissing, even just a quick meeting of lips would of satisfied me. i dont know where we are as people and i can just keep rolling as friends but im definately confused and i dont what it means when im uncomfortable hearing about a new boy. i dont want there to be something that we cant talk about, so im going to roll with my uncomfort and see how it feels, maybe ill just have, i dont know.

but now that i want kissing? what does that mean? right? it means that things arent as they were. things are different, kissing changes things. but not radically. this is satisfying. i dont know what could be. i might probably be fucking rambling about this stuff cause im not over done with india and what it was. and everything it raised. i didnt work for two days and by the middle of today i was going fucking crazy about jenai and being home and there bieng no red dirt, no coconut trees, no bananas, no indians, no rice. Money. such an issue. such a fucking issue.

like i want to die and leave. im sad. im really fucking sad. im going to drink water and sleep.

writing is good. ha. i want to melt into her hugs and be the rock she cuddles up against. but im not abandoning a friendship for some junk rubbing.

water and bed and dreams, sometimes i think this is all thats left.

so pathetic.



oh and who ever the fuck left that anonymous comment, you can fuck off or show your face.