isle of rhodes(rhodos)

surrounded by water on all sides, lapping at my feet constantly, the tide comes in, and i drown.

that is how i feel.

the tide is coming in. no doubt a level of my sadness is from this trip ending, and then the insanity of coming home and what that will bring.

job. car. school. more people.

but ive got a month off.

school dont get bumpin until feb 2nd or so.

im going to NCOR with Zack and hopefully others. Its going to fucking rule.

and all ive got here is two projects and two tests and im letting that shit manifest in crazy scary ways. letting it run into my brain and eat away at my fucking soul. gah. fear manifests so powerfully. its more than just simple fear it swells and builds on what might happend and the offshoots of the horrible possibilities its so hard to focus on the positives these days so hard to see the sun lught, to appreciate the beauty. so hard to get up and go to do to see to live and breath in the beauty of the environment and world around me.

its as if ive got no control over who i am or what i do. its like a puppet master is at the strings. and i the puppet dance along, glumly, with no hope of surfacing from thedarkness.

rar.

with love

d