the final portion of my journal from south africa - it will never be an adequate representation of what went on - but it does offer you a window into my mind. enjoy.



July 9th
gorgeous, stunning, beautiful, pick the adjective you like and insert it here.
the lack of punctuality disturbs me, im sorry but it does.
the tension swells between the group leaders.
i feel so ugh. mostly because the beauty of knynsa is reminding me of visions of hawaii - making me think of how much vanessa would enjoy this. of how we could climb down the cliffside and enjoy the beach below -
i feel constrained - mostly by the absurdity of the situation of how we submit to and enjoy rules barriers laws so much.
that evening we had a home cooked meal with mary - a relative to archie - fantastic food fantastic food. better than the food was the vibe of the house and commraderie that was shared by all present. sitting around a fire drinking, discussing talking, enjoying each other as human beings. it was good times. then we went off to some shit ass club. it sucked i knew it would suck but i went anyway. and it still sucked.
hung out with some locals and ate 4 luna bars to cap off the night. potatoes are yummy.

July 10th
today we have been to two different places that exploit animals for profit! sweet! it angered me. mostly because everyone seemed to enjoy it so much. i isolated myself. the second place a crocodile and animal park/sanctuary was better, but the place was still caging animals for profit and pleasure. but they are beautiful magnificent stunning - although i did not earn the right to view this marvels of nature, i simply paid an bunch of cash to catch quick glimpses through steel bars and from wooden walkways suspended above the tiny enclosures of the lions cheetahs leopards and tigers. i paid 50 rand to pet a cheetah, i was almost in tears while there. it was some intense shit feeling the power the realness watching them pace in the cage knowing the tiny space that they were in was wrong like the small space we are in is wrong, although we lock ourselves in voluntarily. and the money went to protecting and propagating the species, so thats how i justified it. and i have a certificate saying such.
i purchased and ate some frozen fake chicken. yum.
after the exploitation we were carted off to visit a member of archies family. aunt betty, old, we visited her becuase she had lived in an area of land that was designated whites only and they were coloured and thus forced to move. i guess it was to show us the horro of the apratheid gov. it just made me angry as she was talking about ogd god god. also ashe was ebgining to suffer from alzhieners and that just made me feel as if my garand ma was inthe rrroom, it was so shockingly similar to how my grandma was acting in the begining of the disease and now she is wasted little ball of half life on a bed in wyckoff wieghing nno more than 70 punds and the bastard doctors wont let her die and are delaying out removing of ehr form the hospitla because they are miling ehr for 8000bucks ammonth. that is some fucked ups hit. again the making profit on the siclk and dying. fear of death. people actually keeeping others alive jsut to make mopney off of them. making them comfortabl they say but they are actually killing them. keeping them alive and suffering whewn they arent even alivde. this is what we have coxme too, being so petrifeid off deatyh thtat we keep dead people aliove. we kepp peopla alive who cannot even process thoiughs. it makes me want to smash things even more. god.
is my attitude - my opinion - sanctified and morally right do i act that way? do i?
sleep, last night, was excellent. then a 5 hour bus ride with a half hour stop at an aloe farm - silly - interesting - laid in the sun and smiled.
we got back to capetown friday, had falafel and slept. saturday was a free day. nothing exceptional happened. i chitt chatted with some girls, the one i remembered, taryn, from ohio, beautiful, nipple piercings, and cherokee blood. my goes a flutter. flutter flutter. after running around a bit and getting back to the hotel, i went off with nate, caroline, melissa, yasmine to mcdonads because i wasnt doing anything. when we got there i stayed outside because of the smell, walked a few feet away from the main window of the store and proceded to get robbed. it was 80 rand and one america dollar. i had it he wanted it and i gave it. he was angry, he shook and kissed my hand and left.
i am an intellectual bully. swwet, no, not sweet. i need to listen - and ask questions not to verbally dominate and intellectually bully people.
i told the group i got robbed. the got wierd. davis was told. he offered me a 100 rand and i told him no cause that aint cool.
after the robbery - wrote a letter to caitlin - i think we will be able to chill before each of us depart in the fall.
im out on the 19th to europe fucking intense - i mean serious - serious shit.
worked out krazy fest details yesterday. if anything, yesterday was painful but successful. I accomplished a lot of things. went to archies fam to eat, the past was excellent. then we went off to a club, i went wild, i whalled out, i was a high roller, i got drunk, i guess i jsut wanted to escape from the bullshit by wasting more money. ha. i was robbed. it happens. being robbed on the outside wont change my inside. im still happy.

july 15th
driving across the sa coutryside - looking at the dilapedated schools - the shanty towns
the upper class white indian coloured suburbs - people sleeping on the side of the road
people pissing - kids rooting in garbage -

watching children play soccer/football on an empty field. i have thoughts of our group playing with them and while i would suck i think they would be ok with it. laughing in an understanding manner. would they?

is extreme competitiveness and perfection an american thing? or is an international phenomenon.

can people have fun?

i can!

free day. hiked the fuck out of table mountian. it was just exhilarating superb ideal amazing challenging and the day was peppered with tintilating conversation.
ive been reading a whole bunch. too deep then was great, chomped it down in two hours, a little less than. such an amazing read. left me wanting more like good sex. panting and wide eyed. smiles.

july 16th
today was today
and today was interesting.
ate the breakfast and lost my dreams. will attempt to keep book by bed.
"amazing how we get back to nature when our crutches are removed" - letlapa mphalele

july 17th
the day draws long with the trip as both draw to a close. im again with the feeling of supreme lonliness that rears its head at the end of every journey i take - usually coupled with a maddening desire to embrace the masses of humanity with reckless abandon - searching for the bliss that can only be attained through a blinding of the mind with intoxicants - touch - and physical somthing.
the is/has/was crazy combination of thoughts - and reading ive read 5 books on this journey. long walk to freedom - mandela, a history of south africa - leonard thompson, too deep then - cummings, child of the soil - letlapa mphalele, things fall apart - chinua achebe. all of them added a different level to my attempted understanding of the south africa state of affairs.
i can still hear the ocean of humanity calling me. mockingly - inticing me to give and join them - how i desire to be accepted and wanted - how i desire - madly even.
July 18th
district 6 musuem - the deadline draws nearer.
ive been doing yoga and running the stairs.
i think im begining to push limits i never should of set.

July 20th
this is the begining of the end or is it the begining of the middle of a leg of my journey - while i may be returning from south africa feeling as i've been through - well like i was dragged behind a 4x4 land cruiser careening at breakneck speeds through the bush - soak in emotion water - covered with exi've been through - well like i was dragged behind a 4x4 land cruiser careening at breakneck speeds through the bush - soaked in emotion water - covered with experience mud and filled with pain both physical and mental
a proper recounting of my experiences is impossible - there was far too many adventures of far too many kinds to even be communicated in words.
i pause and reflect - quickly on the plane - thinking i should of madde copies of the letters i wrote. some of those letters were marginally successful at capturing how i was feeling felt.
Regrets: not calling the Cherokee or Stacy.
spending approximately 300 rand on booze. not wise! but much better than London, however a bit worse than home or china.
not giving more of what i had to the street kids - jonny, donovan...
eating as much as i did - i was certainly a gourmand - a glutton - i want to scream "i can't help it!" but i can - i most certainly can.
distraction rears its lead screened head. although replete with good animation making me smile.
not climbing table mountain again - it was exhilarating exciting fun challenging sweaty simply majestic and both humbling and godding.
godding = making one feel like a god by seeing a large area of land from an elevated position, vast horizons, generally not cityscapes.
food consumption was pretty wasteful on my part. my waste of funds at times. a few specific examples examples come to mind - over indulgent - bad for me - as a person - unhealthy - not sustainable - not fair - not wise for the above reasons and makes me fell icky bad not nice not good.
shall we move onto the positives of the trip?
the regular exercise - yoga stairs more physicalness in general gets a selection of positive words - growth in this area is longed for.
regular writing writing - again a positive thing - although cajoled and produced due to a demand and not a desire. it was it is a pleasure to write daily or often at least. and the joys that writing a letter can produce are unrivaled and outstrip email by miles.
sticking to ME! i was vociferous in my defense and practice of me!
i'm not sure a recount of me is needed here and i hesitate to produce such a transcript for my reasons intent thoughts what have you.
group interaction was good great superb 8 out of 10 mixed very well amazingly well i thought and when conflicts arose they were tackled immediately with honest discussion and results compromises pleasing to all.
this trip offered me a large selection of lessons applicable to my journey in the fall.
MY BEARD GREW BACK IN! smiles smiles smiles I AM FUZZY AND I LOVE ME! YAY FOR FUZZY!
and you thought i was crazy before...

demetrius...