there has been a weird surge of...what am i talking about?

this is totally normal. i get sad. i then reach out to others for support. this is totally normal for me.


...


you know what i do not want to do right now? go to church. at all. or be drunk. those things are the farthest from my mind. i want to eat ice cream, talk with friends, and cuddle.

spanish is hard. anyone who tells learning you first second language is easy, is full of fucking shit, even immersed in the language learning that shit is really fucking hard. you are actually creating a new space in your brain to store this language, it will - hopefully - grow to be the same size and shape as the part of your brain that holds your first language. clearly this is no easy task, not at all, but its what you want.

you want to be able to feel the language like you feel english(for me) you want emotions and experiences to come and go in this language like they come and go in english and its just fucking hard.

part of me is scared to death to lose my language, english words expression through voice or writing is like my food its my relief and my inspiration, its my solace and my joy its my rage and my calm, its my heart and its my fist. at times to me my actions come second to my words. losing english is scary. its like losing my heart.

i know that another heart is growing inside, another tongue, another place for me to exist and smile and cherish all that is beautiful about language and expression, but this limbo, this wordless hell this silent hell goes on and losing my confidant, my ear my one opportunity to open and let go of all that was bubbling and boiling inside of me has crippled me in this silent hell and i wish that she was still here.

i know.
this hurts.